Leaning towards Pedia

This is weird. I'm beginning to like kids. And babies.

I never liked kids. Lalo na yung mga uhugin at mga mukhang tiyanak. Lalo na yung mga maiitim at saksakan ng kulit. Lalo na yung mga pinipindot ang reset sa computer pag naglalaro ako. Lalo na yung mga all of the above. Oh my F Ghod.

But lately, i realized whenever i pass by the hospital wards that.

1) I'm giving kids a second look
2) and i smile at them
3) and sometimes i say 'hi' to them (strangers yung mga yun a)
4) and it draws a big smile on my face.

5) and i never do the things above when an extremely hot chick passes by. (ang weird nun pag ganun, mag h-hi ako bigla at magssmile kahit di ko kilala?)

but anyways, maybe it all started to change when these babies were born:














(L-R)

my inaanak, kyle misa. the youngest in our generation. bien and jeanne. the first 2 morana next-gens. kahlil jacob. the first grand grandson from the first grand daughter of my grandmother

and Paul. from Kuya Pao.

These kids... These kids with the cute little limbs, and sparkling little eyes of amazement whenever they look at a new toy, their inquisitive little hands, their exploring feet, their exponentially growing number of cells, their highly developing psyche, completing early stages of Freud, sucessfully passing Piaget's checklist -- yeah, the cuteness list goes on -- i can say that these kids are the reasons why i those kids are starting to have an impact on me.

Suddenly i find myself involuntarily contracting my zygomatics and spontaneously sparkling my own eyes trying to get the kid's attention. Even though most of the time, i'm freaking the kids out.

Chino Joven once told me he wanted Pedia as his spec. I asked him why, and his answer was so like a UST-Med-Entrance-Interview-Answer: "It's because those kids are too young to get sick. That they are so innocent to get sick. That it is not their fault to get sick." (o Chino, inenglish ko pa diba?)

That exact moment when he told me that, i thought of my dream Specialization, Surgery and said, "Oo nga no? Kasi ako, if ever man, yung mga ooperahan ko, ooperahan dahil lagi silang nagyoyosi kaya Lung Transplant, o umiinom kaya aayusin ang Liver, o kumakain ng madami kaya may Gastric Bypass at Lipo, o nagdrive ng lasing kaya naaksidente, o dahil tanga lang sila kaya nabalian ng buto. Minsan kukupalin ka pa nila at sisigawan...."

and i silently thought..."pero pag bata yun, umiiyak lang sila.... Oo, siguro minsan may tulo-uhog effect pa sila at magfflash yung mga bungi nilang mga ngipin, pero, oo nga, masyado pa silang bata para makaranas ng sakit diba? Theyre too cute to get sick. Theyre too innocent to ingest Enterobius on their mouths, they're too fragile to feel the pain of a Kidney stone (one of my nephews, who is only twelve already has one :c .) and worst, some are too young to be dead (One of my Nephew died because of Leukemia. And he's just around 2years old nun :c )

nakakatakot na baka di man lang nila maenjoy ang childhood, teenage years, sex, drugs, at rock and roll. Nah.

From that day on, those sickly kids in the streets for me don't look that tiyanak-ish anymore... Now i'm looking at them at a different spark, at a whole new different light. That they are, like what Jose Rizal said, "ang mga pag-asa ng bayan." Right now, i feel for them.

Chino is right. It's not their fault to be sick.

---

Looking back at the the pictures, and the thoughts , and after i've reread what i have just written, now i realized why people call their kids ,their bundle of joy...

it's because they really are....

Bien, Jeanne, Kahlil, Paul, and Kyle made my day a lot of times. and someday when i have my own, I know that that child's gonna be one of the cutest babies this universe will ever see. ;) and I know that no matter how tired will I be from work, all my stress will be gone with just the thought of them.

I don't have Pedia this sem, hopefully that subject wont diss me. Maybe that subject's not bad at all,,, As long as i know, my knowledge can one day make a little kid smile and say thank you to me. As long as i can fix a little boy's tummyache and let him play again the day after. Maybe Pedia is not bad after all. Just maybe. We'll see.
We'll see.

---

*<edit, 10 mins after the blog>

Nah... SURGERY PA DIN! Wahahaha

stethoscope

monday afternoon.

i cant sleep. i wanted to sleep. i was lying in the couch and thinking of resetting my mind for all the sense and nonsense that happened today. i was pulling myself too much into sleep, but i can't sleep.

tony said the half life for coffee is 3-4 hours. but it's been 12 hours since my last coffee. 12 hours. i closed my eyes for the Nth time, and still, no help. and then i opened my eyes again, and saw something...

on top of the glass table beside our couch, there lied a shiny stethoscope dimly lit by our cabaret-like faded lights of the sala.

i grabbed it. wore it while lying down, and put it on my 5th left intercostal space. right where the left ventricle shouts the loudest. the up the the 3th intercostal space. then beside the sternum. then back, then around, then back.

and there it was.

S1 and S2.
Lub and Dub. Lub and Dub.
Tricuspid and Mitral.
Atria and Ventricle.
Systole and Diastole.

It's amazing how a pack of cardiac muscles just as big as one's fist could be so responsible for the the body's supply of oxygenated blood.

Amazing how it never started beating weeks before we saw light on this earth.

Amazing how it keeps on beating until now. from the vena cava to the pulmonary artery, vein, then aorta.

Amazing how each beat is so efficient. so coordinated. so wonderfully designed.


the sounds were so peaceful. and serene.
i felt like in the womb again.
hearing nothing but a heatbeat.
i didnt notice that i was closing my eyes.
and sinking into a silent pool of cardiac sounds.
of ventricular music.
of atrial melody.
of the rhythm of the pacemaker cells
and slight echo of the pericardium.

lub.
dub.
lub.
dub.


...and then, i was asleep.

falling from a high place

July 22 is a great day for me.

8.am              I didnt fail the micro exam (refer to last blogpost),
10.00 am       Had lunch at Mang Toots,
12.30 am       had a little fun with my new subsecmates (C5)(Papa Bear Pangan?! haha)
2.00 pm         konting pictorial sa daga then sa subsec
6.00 pm         the ireg parteh,
8.00 pm         lacson unleashed his Thomasian Spirit, Kiko's Heart talk,
9.00 pm         drove to PhilCoa for Janna's mini birthday party
12.00am        with my Highschool friends

and then... by 2.00am, when i was about to go home...

the car wont start.

i tried again.

the alarm sounded.

i panicked. "oh shit. baka magising ang mga kapitbahay ni Kokok at pagkalaman akong magnanakaw ng sarili kong koche!"

nagpanick talaga ako. tarantang itik. at nagfflash forward nako sa mga echo ng boses nila daddy at mommy na nagagalit. "tinakas mo nanaman ang koche?! hindi ka na nag-aaral! puro ka nalang pasarap... ablablablabla"

the alarm stopped. at sinusian ko uli.. and

shit. nag-alarm ulit. i realized i was just using the duplicate set of keys, so hinatid ako ni JC Alberto sa bahay para kunin yung isa pang set ng susi. yung original na.

good thing my brother, Shan, was still awake, so she got the key's from my mom's bag and went back with me at Kokok's, hoping that the original key would tame the alarm down.

but it didnt.

it fucking didnt. panic na talaga. so i had no choice but to call my mom. (last resort na talaga si Daddy kasi baka may inooperahan, or natutulog.) And my mum went so mad. as expected.

naghanap kami ng mekanino nearby, and thank God and the god of Mitsubishi may bukas pang talyer dun. kinalas nila ang beterya, kinabit ulit. tanggal na ang alarm. then they said, "Boss, kakadjutin natin to" (translation for the konyo people: "Hey handsome, we will make tulak-tulak your car ha?")

first try. second try. umandar. and it died again. im such a loser. or the car is the loser.

si manong nalang ang kumadjot ng koche, and the car suddenly went back to life, at least for the next 30 minutes.

Shan and I did the scariest UST to Frisco trip of our lives. I kept on kicking and kicking the gas, and kung stop sa stoplight, i still kept on kicking gas while on neutral. we were so damn scared. not because it was late at night. not because a truck might crush the car. but because the car may die again, and it will only be Shan who will be pushing the car. hindi ko kapatid si Superman.

After a 30 minute drive at second gear... we arrived the gates of 35 Osmena St, SFDM QC, in one piece. inscathed. and still scared.

and then. just when the car was parked on his happy place sa garage...

and the engine spontaneously died.

the car wont start again... walang magagamit na koche si Mama. i didnt know what to do. and ayun na nga. napagalitan. napagalitan. napagalitan. nadamay ang Physio. nadamay ang schedule ko. nadamay ang mga party na pinuntahan ko last year. nadamay ang kuyente. and gasolina. pati si manang nadamay, ibang kwento na yun. and Dad is mad too, gising na siya, tumawag from Olongapo. Buti nalang hindi na inabot ang telepono sakin kundi na-double dead ako ngayon.

and now.... just before i sleep, i though: i was so damn happy the whole day. and it ended the way it doesnt deserve to end...



when i fall, i want to fall from a high place.




and i just did. and i'm sleepy. i hope magstart naman yung koche para kay mommy bukas. konting himala, Lord. himala. magtira naman sana kahit konting swerte ko nung tuesday.

A sign?

Hindi ako nabigyan ni Ma'am Monet ng Handouts today.
Pero sabi ko, ok lang, kasi meron naman ako nung dati. So aral lang.

Nung micro na ang aaralin ko...

narealize kong nawawala ang Jawetz ko. Shit. Sana pakalat-kalat lang siya sa bahay.Sana.
tapos, naghanap nalang ako ng compressed lecture notes sa Drive D.

at narealize ko, andun pala siya kasama ng namatay kong hard disk. double shit.

so, nagdownload ako ng notes sa 4shared ng bmd yahoogroups.

tapos... nung ipprint ko na... walang black ink ang printer. triple shit.

pero gumawa pa rin ako ng paraan, ginawa kong red, green, blue, orange, at purple ang text ng handouts. sa awa ng diyos, nagprint naman.

pero... nung babasahin ko na... nawawala naman ang mga higlighters ko. lalo na yung yellow na faber castell. favorite kong higlighter yun. quadruple shit!

pero, sige lang. ok lang na walang highlighter. so, nung nagbabasa na ako dito sa kwarto ni mommy para aircon, (kanina lang yun, 1:00AM), sabi ni Mommy, "Karl, patayin mo na nga ang ilaw. magtipid na tayo ng kuryente!" quintuple shit!


Lord, ayaw niyo ba akong mag-aral?

matutulog na lang ako!

morning sickness?

i dont know how my mind blasts in the morning. especially when it starts with the ring of an alarm clock. it somehow puts a stressed mood on me. it reminds me of school. of pressure. of exams.

i have said sooo many times that im not a morning person. don't talk to me when i just woke up, baka masungitan ko lang kayo. or malabo lang marereply ko. or, i dunno. there's something in the morning sun maybe. i must feel the hope of the new day, or the promise of the new beginning, but no. if feel the dizziness of yesterday. the cloudiness of my hormones. i don't know why. i just get myself going when it's past 10 or when i had my coffee or when i take a bath.

waking up is the hardest everyday thing i have to do everyday. after that, then, i'm off to face the world. oh yeah. tsss.

i feel sleepy... again.

Reminiscing 4bio1

a lot of people's been posting their grad and baca pics. i saw pics of my friends (most from dwtl) graduating, and i can't help myself but reminisce our time.



haay. can't believe it's been a year. not a full academic year actually, hindi pa naman kasi tapos tlga ang first year med. and god knows what i've been through and will be goin through.

last year, i told boom during baccalaureate mass, "pare, in 4 years, tayo na yang mga Medical Clerks jan"... When they called out "Medicine and Surgery", nagtalunan ang mga med students, nagwawala, at napakasaya nilang lahat. Kinilabutan kami. sobra. sa hirap ba naman ng pinagdaanan nila, pag ako nga yun, maiiyak pa tlga ako.

(my candle, and the clerks in front of me)

day by day, step by step, we get nearer to our graduation. haha. people reading this may be laughing cause i look too far. we haven't even tasted pharmacology yet, and pathology, we haven't experienced 100 hours shifts yet. heck i have to pass my own set of remedial exams. but each day in med, each step in med, the little successes and failures, and triumphs of passing, and enjoying the company of your subsec, each page we photocopy, and memorize, and forget, and memorize again... every single one of them, make us closer and closer to our freakin dream. to the two most important letters in the alphabet attached to our names: MD. God i just love writing it:

Karl Erjon M. Edejer, MD

thoracocardiovascular surgeon
or
orthopaedic surgeon

or
spinal surgeon
or simply,
a doctor who changed people's lives.

(oh my god, oooh my god, just had an orgasm, kidding. haha)


so that's it. reminiscing is over.  like the old song goes, "what has life to offer me when i grow old?" im getting old, i know. at this stage, i should be earning my own money. and pinapang-inom namin galing pa rin sa bulsa ng mga parents namin. shees. but... we chose to be in school forever. we chose to dedicate our lives, especially "prime of our lives" to science, to medicine, to people, to curing diseases, to the freakin humankind. instead of me hooking up with a hot chic at a hot bar somewhere using my hot car, and my hot moves (ayun. haha), and waking up at someone else's room, i chose the harder way, i chose not to sleep at night, staying at wendy's with a friend reading samplexes the whole night. instead of watching a movie, finishing Scrubs 1-5, One Tree Hill, and the rest, I watched Dra Lumitao dissect the brain, over, and over, and over again, until every word she says sink into my dreams. instead of sleeping with someone, i'm not sleeping at all. instead of going places, visiting different countries, "soul searching", and all that spiritual fantasies i'd like to embark, i chose finding myself and my soul into diseases, chemical equations, and in the faces of sick people.

so what has life to offer me? offer us? i don't know. god is a power tripper. but here's what i know. he has a plan. i mean, he better have one or else. we're not burning ourselves alive for nothing, right? he has a plan. for you, for me. we may not always understand why these are happening. someday i'll get to understand why she doesnt wanna work it out. i'll get to understand why am i facing all these crap... someday i'll understand why this, or that, or those. sometimes, i get confused, sometimes, i get tired.

but then, all i have to do is go back to last year's version of me.

Holding a candle of hope,
watching the nice fireworks,
singing the UST Hymn,
under the light of the Main Building.

We were full of hopes. Me, Jhun, Moogie, Geli, Boom, Dhanna, Austin, Camel, Jas, Victor, Chester, Corie, Greg, Kristine, Ricky, Ampi, Nica, Ron, Paula, Rej, Mags, Nikki, Ris, Gayle, Abi, Ayra, Sasa, Kris, Mare, Pare, Ciara, and Jane. (hope i didnt forget someone. haha)

We have a saying in bio before: Onwards 2007. Onwards 2011.

the first half of the statement was done last year. the next one is in the making.
Onwards 2011.

(didn't get a decent pic for the whole class. haha. i was just so busy roaming around takin pics with my other college friends. haha)

wwhy do you think there's hope?
why do you think there's such a saying
that there is light at the end of the tunnel?
it is for the simple fact. that there is.

little wonders

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away somehow
but i cannot forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

noticing Mars

When you're all at sea and you're drinking alone,
you wouldn't miss this particular bright,
reddish star, the one that doesn't blink as much as the others.
I have the idea that it's actually Mars,
but do not take my word for it.
I look at it most nights and wonder (empty bottles cluttering the table)
does she even notice Mars?

-got this one from my friend, Marlon Borreo. astig lang kaya ko nilagay. :) thanks tol.

God Always Sends Saviors

im having a hard time right now.. probably more problems a typical med student can have. believe me, you don't wanna know. no, i didnt get someone pregnant. but it is bad. real shitty bad. atleast that's what i thought 10 minutes ago.

no one knows about this. no one has seen the whole picture. one knows a piece, and another one knows another side, and some are just kept inside me. mostly internal battles. my demons crawling back at me to make me weak.

by 1AM after too much thinking of too much things... i started to give up. and pitied myself. right here. seated in from of the monitor while im trying to cheer myself up by watching a funny downloaded movie... movie is not working. i stopped it.

and then i just stopped. and thought hard. and lost hope.
and didnt know what to do anymore.
fear ate me, and scared me, and consumed me.
i gave up. and broke down. and lost.

and suddenly...

someone texted me,

"The strongest people have the worst problems,
The worst trials,
The worst situations.
It is not because God wants them to suffer.
But it is because God trusts them so much...
He gave them something he knows he can overcome"

wow.

i've heard this all before, i even said these words before, but it never hit me this way before.

what is the probability that a random send-to-all message will arrive while you're staring at your cellphone, contemplating, bitching, self-pitying, and just seconds after you gave up hope... and that message will appear?

i know this is just one of his Send-to-all messages to his Globe list,
but I believe it was God who sent that message in the right timing, and place.
I believe he sent that to save me.
Like what he always does,
like what he just did,
like what he will always do.

In every (*everydwtlpipolknowswhatimtalkingabout) night, i usually give this exact example to them.(*andyouknowwhothat'them'is)


i mean this exact example.
but it never occured to me, until tonight.
thank you, Lord.

God always send saviors.

it is not a question of "to whom does God speak?," but "who Listens?"

to my Friend, Jay-ar Dominguez, you may always send an average of a thousand text messages everyday, but this time, your message made sense. thank you for that. ndi nako nagreply dahil overwhelmed nako sa nangyari. you may not be aware of this, but God has made you an instrument to Save me. Thanks for that, dude

Ang galing ni God. +BIL

the bottomless dose of tests

Last Thursday to This Week's Wednesday = Shifting Exams
Thursday = Ethics Shifting, Biochem Lam Exam, SCOFYL Integrated Case Test
Friday = Short Quiz: Skin
Monday = Physiology Endocrine Quiz
Tuesday = Anatomy? Short Quiz
Wednesday = Biochem Quiz

it never ends baby. yesterday, Doc Someone-I-Keep-Forgetting-His-Name taught how eyebags are made. A lot of side stories in the Anatomy of the eye. Everyone's bored as usual and i was *almost? caught sleeping. It's funny how sleep becomes more and more treasured by the Shifting. Last June or July, everyone rushes to The Pit and Drink after Hell Weeks or Exams, now, more or less, people just go home immediately and theyd rather sleep... and then study again.

anyways, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"

+bil

"i'm dead?"

he woke up. he realized he was detached from all the earthly realities. from the traffic. the exams. the naggers. the debts.

it was dark. gloomy... and sad.

"i'm dead?" he asked.

no one replied. all he heard was an echo of his own voice.

and then, he realized,  he could fly.

so, he flew as fast as he can until the wind triggered his glands to jerk some tears.

and he saw a light. and came upon it. and then, he saw Him.

"uhmm, Im dead?", he asked

"Yes, son, you didn't wake up today. Like Rico Yan, dude"

"But, I don't want it yet"

"I'm afraid half your conscience wished for it. And sometimes you wished you'd never wake up again. So here it is." God said.

"Damn. so, where am I? is this heaven?"

"not yet. before going there, we still have something to talk about"

"what is it?"

"follow me"

then God walked through what looked like an iMax theatre, playing a life on the 8-storey high screen. the life seemed so real. he can even touch it, and feel it, and smell it. and he doesnt have to wear the 3D glasses like what they do in SM.

the scenes were familiar. it was on first person point of view. there was a FLASH

and a baby was crying. for the first time receiving  tiny photons of light in his tiny little eyes. gooey placental fluid on his limbs. and the smiling faces of his tita, then his dad... hours later, her mom awake. and he heard them say, "he's soo worth it" then FLASH

a 4year old boy was holding a basketball playing with his younger 3 year-old brother. he banged the ball to his glasses. and his brother cried. and he hugged him. and they played again together and then, FLASH

he was at the hospital. waiting in the room with this two brothers and a lot of relatives. and his auntie came inside the room. "it's a girl", she said, "finally. and we'll name her, Pia"... and everybody was happy, finally, a girl. then FLASH

he was going to school. they were using the ambulance to bring him to school. he asked his dad to drop him where nobody could see him. "why son? are you ashamed of an ambulance bringing you to school? are you ashamed of me?".. and he said, "Yes." then FLASH

he cornered her on a dimly lit part of the school. it was lunch break. they hid beside the dark hallway of the second floor. and then they kissed. it was his first kiss. then FLASH

he was playing in the basketball championships. then FLASH he was playing another one a year later. he both lost to it... then FLASH

together with 190+ students, they were singing their graduation song.. then FLASH he entered college, then FLASH he was dissecting a frog then FLASH he passed BioLab then FLASH

sitting at Alpadi Antipolo, hearing the songs of his life, reading his life-long letters and some love letters. he just made a commitment that changed his life. and he breathed in all the gratitude, the blessings, the life that surrounded him... and then FLASH

the two of them were on the beach... under the starry sky, and the pink clouds, the bright moon, the cold breeze of wind, and the pounding of the waves, they kissed. and a forever later... FLASH

he was defending their thesis FLASH he graduated FLASH he entered medschool FLASH the Friday Nights at DWTL, the two chairs, one candle, one blindfold, one cross and one shout.. and FLASH

and God paused it. "Quite a life you got there, Kid"

"Wow. Never thought i've been through all that"

"And you served your purpose well."

"I guess so. I've had a lot of friends. a lot of people. a lot of lives i met. 'we are all part of eveyone we meet', that's what my highschool teacher told me"

"I told her to tell you." and God paused, and went back,"So here's what will I say to you, Son" he said, in a slightly loudened voice.

and the iMax theatre vanished. out came all the angels of the Heavens, and all the departed souls gathered around, smiling on Him, his departed relatives nearest to him, there came the clear blue sky, and the pure white clouds, and the Golden gate of Heaven.

He was Home with God. He was One with God. and God said...

"My dear, beloved, son. Would you like to continue your life on Earth? or would you like to come Home with Me?"

he looked around. and thought. and thought for a while, the whole congregation of Heaven waiting for him, and he said...

"It's a good life, Lord. and thank you for giving me a great life...

...but still, there's still a lot for me to be. I am still going to be a doctor...
i want to save lives, make people happy, cure them, inspire them,
i want to feel the warmth of the blood that will save anothers',
i want to hold a freshly born baby out of the mother's womb. full of joy, full of gratitude, full of life
i want to feel the priceles Thank Yous like what my Dad always receives. The respect, the dignity, and the name he put a mark on the hearts of many.
i still have to pass Biochem, Neuro and all the other subjects life has to offer.
i want to cheer my Subsec every event we have.
i want to share my stories to my Higschool friends, and treat them if time will come.
i want to see my siblings and cousins graduate, and see our lives to success
i still want to watch the sunsets at Zambales
and i want to Love my family more, cause i've always been proud of them.

and i want to Love. to Love till it hurts. to Love till it hurts more. and to Love till it hurts no more

i am still to find the Girl with the Same Hearbeat as Mine. the same S1 and S2 sound of course without S3 and S4, loudest at the 5th Left intercostal space.

i am still to discover the great potential this 140+ IQ can do.
I am still to discover Who I Really Am.

and when I'm done with all of that, then I know you'll be prouder"

God smiled. And gave him a hug. "Very well, son. I'll send you back. Don't worry, I'll never leave you, i cannot leave you, i will always send you angels... Basta Ikaw"

then the whole of Heaven's entourage were cheering on him. Clapping their hands, smiling at him... and the angels surrounded him, so did his departed relatives. and all he felt was nothing but pure Joy, Truth, and Love. and a deep warm feeling of gratitude...

and then it was January 3, 7 AM,
he was late for his NeuroAnatomy Lecture...

and Karl Erjon Edejer woke up with a start.

im saying 'i love you again,' are you listening?

im sayin i love you again, are you listening?

the last song syndrome. for the past 2 days.

i cant sleep. the sun is starting to shine, or it's just my illusion of the dimly lit garage on my left lateral peripheral side.

just 5 minutes ago i've heard soft whispers beside my room. scary. there ARE ghosts in this house, everybody says. but then when i checked, i realized... Shen and his friends are still awake. Sneaked in a bottle of  GSM Blue and Island Lime. That explains the eerie sounds. No Ghosts. That's Good.

"im saying i love you again" - the freakin song's still playing on my head...

speaking of... looking back to my "past" ahhmm life so far (you know what i mean, i guess).. well, one is a Flight Attendant and just gave birth, one is working as a Call Center Agent (which she said to me once that she'll never be doing that- ever), one just passed the Nursing Board Exams, one just passed the Med Tech exams, and the rest I haven't heard of. and, Oh, i remember, one had an abortion 4 years ago. demn. haha.

in the words of Coelho, (not the exact ones perhaps), "I tried to find the common denominator among all the girl's i've been with. And i realize that there is only one thing they all have in common: Me." [edit - when i re-read this part, i didnt get the point why put this one. haha.. /edit]

all at a certain point in time, our hands clasped each other, and for some, i sometimes regret that I did. For some I'd love to repeat the story over and over again. And some, were just... there. One by one they tried to teach me something. All of them got a hand on me growing up. All of them put a specific something on me that made me remember them in their own special way. It's like a mark in myself that said, "Mitch was here", "Gail was here", "Genna was here", blablabla.
A collage of cute vandalisms.
Some lessons they taught and the other taught and the other taught were redundant. Simply because I didn't learn.
Some lessons I thought were trivial. Till I realized it'd come handy along the way.
Some were hardcore. Not Sexy-hardcore. But life-hardcore.
Some you have to learn the hard way.

As the old saying goes, "We area all part of everyone we meet" I have parts of them in me. And perhaps I've left a part of me in them. If only they'll get to see me now, maybe they'd be proud. Maybe.

 Memories. They're all you got. That's all that's left.
another product of my too-much-thinking-during-school-breaks-syndrome

The LSS is still playing. Perhaps some alcohol could take it away..

"im saying i love you again, are you listening?"

i don't know when the next time will be.
i don't know if i'm sane enough to enter another commitment.
but i'm sure there will be a next time. i gotta be sure.
cause no matter how many girls have carved their own souvenirs on me, there will always be room for more.
there will always be room for improvement.
for growth.
for more memories,
for lessons,
there will always be room for love.

and for us.
whoever that you in me will be.

someday someone's gonna own this Fatty Cardiomegalic Heart again. maybe not now. or maybe not soon. maybe i'll put in a promo, "Heart for Sale, plus Free Fatty Liver", but im not that desperate... yet...

maybe... just maybe, someone's having a same LSS as i am having at this moment, and decided to open up their Multiply account and happen to read this blog.

which is very, very unlikely.

haha

---
the Sun is up. and it's real this time.

time to sleep. again. ;)

everybody's partying and we're all studying

It's Paskuhan night tonight. and I am studying neuro Ana, just finished and Failed another Biochem Exam (kelan ba ako aasenso sa Biochem?), and two tests in Physiology...

It's the season when the air smells like Honey Glazed Ham, where the departments have Xmas Parties, and me getting drunk every night.

Change. One thing I have to deal with this year. and a lot of them did change.

sometimes i find myself desperately catching up, and self pitying because of all the major C R A P that's been happening. I clinged so much to my past lifestyle and what do i get in return? bad grades.

sometimes i wish this would all just disappear. the pressure. the pain. the depression... but nothing worthwhile comes easy.

and because of that, i appreciated parties more.
i appreciated weekends more.
and i appreciated coffee a lot more.

maybe that's the way with life... it never stops. once you get into a plateau of hapiness and contenment that everything is doing fine with your life, life gives you more... life shakes you, so that you give life more of what you're made of.. of what you're really made of. and you'll end up a better person right after.

so right now, I guess the Era of Paskuhan is over for me. Though i did stay and watched the fireworks and got the free food and showed our Newbies how Paskuhan is spent at UST, and then, one Jeepney ride later, here i am... Uploading the USB full of the BRAIN, the Cerebellum, the Cerebrum and all.

Life has to move on.

Everybody's Partying, and We're all Studying Neuroana.

its always hard to say goodbye

"you're leaving?" he asked

"yup. im sorry" she replied back

"that sucks. merely 2 weeks?"

"2 weeks. but one of your longest 2 weeks, am i right?"

"hell yeah. ive been to Days 64, Played monster rancher till death, surfed the net till morning, played chaos legion, went to zambales, slept for an average of 10 hours a day, went to austin's, to pier one, to a wedding, to olongapo."

"looks like we did have fun, karl"

"i guess so. though it didnt went as planned. like go to EK, and Tagaytay and Greg's Punta Fuego. but well, i know i had fun. i needed you. i deserved you for god's sake. i longed for you since august... and so... here we are. bidding goodbyes. damn it, im gonna miss you"

"well. that's the way it is. until next year i spose?"

"it'll be another year next year. and i wont be the same, i guess"

"its ok. i wont be the same either. different digit on my last, different dates, and you better hope i become longer... and with a lot more suprises. and i hope i can bring along new adventures for you."

"thanks. you really mean a lot to me. and i really hate to see you go. the next time ill be opening my eyes again after i sleep, the first thing that im going to see is my Physio handouts, and Biochem. and god. we have a quiz. on our first day. crap...

...the moment you leave. the moment our eyes part, and you set off to somewhere i dont know... the moment we bid each other goodbye, i have to force myself to forget what we had"

"you dont have to forget me, karl. that's what memories are for. the problem with you is you cling too much to the memory that you forget that there's a present that you are in, and a future you are about to face,"

"i know. and honestly, im scared. scared to death. because when you leave, my demons are here to haunt me back. my 67 and idunno-what 2nd shift grade is back to put the pressure. neuroana, histo, epid, biochem, physiology, ana will be back, bringing along new friends with them: prev med and ethics. life will again be a matter of B-65 and 75 and computing and re-computing and catching up...

...i have to love another again. but the thing is, i love you, you know that? you're just so easy to love. effortless and pressure-free. carefree and inexpensive. i couldve chosen you among them all... but i have to move on."

"i know. its ok. im used to that. i only come to you once a year. and i give you everything your tired body and spirit and soul ever needed. and that's my purpose. that's why im called semestral break. just a break. a break from all that has been and for you to recharge and give you strength for all that you will be facing...

..,yes, you have to move on, karl. you have no choice. you have no choice but to love the one after me. dont worry, i wont get jealous. and ill be back, i promise, next year, ill be back, and i know you'll be needing me again."

"oh god. so, goodbye sembreak?"

"yeah. goodbye karl"

"until next year. dapat may boracay na jan sa events ah"

"dude, its your call, or maybe summer.haha. hey, stay strong, study well, and like what you always say, do it out of ---"

"--do it out of Love."

and there she went. doing what she had been doing ever since his education had begun: leaving after giving a well, well deserved rest. she was smiling. for she saw how much karl had changed since last year. and she saw how he needed her this bad this year. and she realized that there will be only two visits left. one on second year medschool, and one on third year. no sembreaks on clerkship.

and there, karl closed the door. he cant believe its over. seemed like yesterday he found out that he passed psych and felt the full enjoyment of the sembreak. but now, he'll be again embracing handouts and gripping highlighters under the romantic light of the study table. and then he realized, he missed medschool after all. he missed the pressure, the english speaking people, and the cadavers...

in less than 36 hours, he'll be back to being a zombie again.
in less than 36 hours, he'll accept that fact. whether he likes it our not.


/end

<edit> another schizo entry, i know. haha. </edit>

first break of light.

"and we'll watch the stars go by
and we'll count the stars that shines at night
and together we'll watch the first break of light"

+bil

Random thoughts... Med Life = napakalayo sa Grey's Anatomy

    "tell me your blue skies fade to gray. tell me your passion's gone away"

its 11.47PM and I just woke up and just about to start my Night of Reviewing Psychiatry. and right now as i'm typing this, i'm downloading the powerpoint lectures... and considering my grades in Psych... probably i wont sleep tonight...again.

i've been talking to myself a lot these past few days. asking myself what's happening to me cause it seems like im falling apart. i never spoke to anyone about this. which is something new cause my friends know me to be very vocal about everything...

i just failed three quizzes in one day. i failed the Neuroanatomy exam. god. that very easy Neuroanatomy practical exams. ang daya daya talaga. madali lang talaga yung test... malas lang talaga ako. nakakapanghinayang talaga. and the thing is, you have to move on as quickly as possible for you to be conditioned for the next exam... and the cycle goes on tomorrow, and the next week, and the next week....

so this is the career i signed up for...

and, god, it's far from what you guys see in Grey's Anatomy. very very far.


walang Hot chicks like Izzie,
wala yung lovelife na kung sino sino ang hot peeps and involved.. pero meron kang subsec na makakasama mo for the next 4 years... hanggang clerkship pare!
wala yung weird na cases every episode, pero perong mga weird exams every day
, sa Grey's, nakakadalaw pa sila sa Bar halos every night, hindi nagpapaxerox ng handouts, masarap pa ang tulog nila, eyebag-free ang mga mata nila...

Malayo ang mga buhay namin kila Alex Karev, George O'Malley, Meredith Grey, at ang buong cast. nageenglish sila. parang may time sila para sa lahat. at may time pa silang maglasing lasing at makapag-ayos para sa next episode. TV is so overrated. hahahahahha.

 aral na nga. :P

from Conversations with God

one of the Best Life-Changing Books I've read and re-read, and re-read. Its a trilogy, and then their Conversation expanded.

Here's one of my favorite lines: