growing up, and growing old

Ok na ang PC. sa wakas. but i have to reinstall every player, program whatsoever that were previously installed. It seems like im the one who only cares about this computer. Im the one installing, monitoring, and fixing everything. and my siblings? they just wait for me to fix eveything and download everything. and as long as im not deleting pics and music, they are always willing to reformat the PC ng maraming beses.

of course im not mad. haha. theyre my siblings. panganay ka karl. kanino sila aasa? kay kuya. kasalanan ko bang maging responsableng anak ako? (tangina kapal! haha)

now, while im doing this blog, im chatting with 5 people. Abi, Sammy, and  3 other strangers who keep on asking about our resort. "magkano?", "pwede magluto?","pwede discount?","andun ka po pag pagdating namin?","ikaw po ba si Dok?", and several questions na paulit ulit kong sinasagot. just 5 minutes ago, i reached a point where i forgot who's taking the room for 8, and room for 4. so napagpalit ko ang mga presyo nila. tuwang tuwa si chatmate. pero buti naman nabawi ko. everybody in the house is sleeping. im the only one awake. doing business. haha.

of course, im not mad. it's for my tuition fee next sem after all. haha. medyo nakakatoxic lang dahil kamusta naman lahat ng mga taong yung ineexpect na andun ako sa beachouse at aasikasuhin sila (kaya amai, swerte kayo, kasi kayo lang yung peeps halos nun)

tomorrow will be the SCINTILLA JVRIS PostGrad Conference. we have to be there by 6.30. God Demet. Six Fucking Thirty IN THE MORNING. don't they know how hard it is for a growing child like me to wake up that early? and i have to print several stuff.

of course im not mad,  it's my beloved frat after all. And i'l enjoy it there. All the SJ Med Chapters are gonne be there and there'll be free food. hehe.

 

well, this semi-rant blog can go on forever right? because i can always write about what errands to do, softwares to install, this heart to heal, and even though im toxic multitasking all these, i still have to be a friend because Abi is still online, and ranting. (you're not a flirt, OK?) The list of things to do goes on forever. A Light to fix, a sister to fetch, a heart to heal, a PC to backup... then i realized one thing...

this must be growing up. a year ago, i didnt care about the guests of the beachouse, or the LTO registration of the Van. This year, im just too... distracted to be distracted.  of course there are sudden surges of my Heart (sabi ng Heart: 'tangina karl, pansinin mo naman ako, hearbroken kaaa! HEARTBROKEN KAaAaAa'), and then everything stops. Shit. the Heart. Nagsasalita ang heart? And then after that, ill sleep, or stop. for a while. then move again. epal na heart yan eh. haha.

so, yan, dinistract ako ng heart talk. what was i saying? ah. this must be growing up. little by little, im taking my dad's job na, sumasama na ako sa mga checkup niya sa mga pasyente niya. and i've been circumcising penises na without my Dad beside me. haha. achievement! :P I've been fixing stuff. Organizing events..

so this must be growing up. i dont notice it but i've exchanged stuff with other 'better stuff.' sometimes, you feel 'obliged' to do this or that, without telling. and sometimes you take the initiative to do something so that others may follow. i dunno.

a friend of mine said (old friend of mine, haha), that 21 is overrated. it so fucking is. what was i thinking when i was in high school on the where-will-you-be-by-21-reflection-paper?

i said

married.
happy.
kicking millions on my wallet.
living on my own house.
playing golf  (i dont know how to play golf, but i heard it's for the rich daw),
and well established.

it seems like 'happy' was the only one checked on the list. and it's still a little shaky. but, owel.

so this is 21. next year ill be 22. the age of my ex when we broke up. i was 18. she was 22 back then. now she's 24. 21 is 5 years younger when my Dad was in Med and i was born. 21 is 9 years since my 'first love.'  21 is 10 years since i got circumcised, and 1 year since i learned how to circumcize.

hmmm... i dont know my i can't end my blogs properly recently. haha. 

what a fucking ending. haha

There was a ring on my hand

There was a ring on my hand: on the finger fated for vows.

It was there when I ate and slept and dreamt; the sweet chain of shining gold embracing the finger on my hand.

It was there when tears soaked up my cupped palms. When I shoved my shaken heart so it won't miss a pulse.

This finger fated for vows, now naked, now longing for my beloved, still suspects the ring is still there.

The vow is gone. The touch is gone. Only this finger thinks its still warm: the thin line that bound the flesh to the chain; the penumbra of stain.

Sometimes my hand suspects the finger is no longer there.

 

Someone tried to cut the finger thinking my hand will gain its reason back, and finding it persisting, tried to cut my whole hand. 

Med Survey din. ehehe

1. Unang una, how many lbs did you gain???
- Next Question!

2. Ano ang pinakanakakaantok na subject?
- Neuroanatomy by Dr Ostrea - everything's sooo clinical. Heart at Pump 2. iba ibang subject eh.. more on Peesho

3. Pinakamahirap na subject?
- Physiology. pero favorite ko to

4. Least number of hours na tulog mo sa med??
- I tried 0 sleep. I had a Labcon nun and a Biochem Quiz

5. Pinakanamimiss mo nung premed na hindi mo magawa sa med
- Kaladkaran. movie nang movie nang movie. inom nang inom nang inom.

6. Gusto mo pa rin ba mag med??
- in a heartbeat baby

7. Your choice of pampagising???
- Prayer. actually, prayer tlga. coffee is like placebo nalang...

8. longest time spent studying? as in walang break ha...
- hmmmm

9. Easiest topic sa med??
- Taste Biochemistry, Physiology Generalities, Cranial Nerves, Neoplasia

10. Favorite position?  ..... sa pagaaral, haha..
- Nakaupo.

11. Least favorite subject??
 -Clinical Epidemiology

12. Best thing about life in med school?
- the girls. joke. you get to be amazed by the wonder of the Human Body. and just be awestrucked. and then just strucked. then just stuck. haha

13. Favorite flavor mo ng shake sa med cafe?
- yung mango kasi pinakamura.

14. Magkano na nagastos mo sa pagpapaphotocopy?
- I think 1/3 of my daily allowance. makakabuo ako ng puno pag pagsasama samahin.,

15. Pinakamahirap na topic?
- LECTINS. Limbic System (Indicium Gresium?!?), Motor Pathway, All Epid, and (drumroll) PROTEIN METAB

16. Anong table number mo sa gross anatomy?
- Table 19. yung bata na walang diperensya. malinis ang lungs, and liver, normal ang heart.. pero wasak ang pekpek niya.

17. Handa ka na bang bumalik sa school this june?
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

18. Pumapasok ka ba ng epid?
- Epid? what Epid? diba Histo lang ang subject pag Friday?

19. Gumagamit ka ba ng branded notes, samplexes, o videos?
- Silverman Notes! Samplex na paulit ulit xinerox, at Videos na paulit ulit pinlay.. labu Dra Lumitao!

20. Paboritong prof?
- Dra De Jesus. Doc DJ. Dra Apepe. Dra MAcaranas. Dr Baustista. Doc Tim. Dra Campomanes. Dra Dee Chan. Dra Laygo.

21. Ilang minuto bawat drawing mo sa histo manual?
-  hehehe.,.. :P

22. Lumaki na ba allowance mo?
- Technically hindi. pero by thursday humihingi uli akong extra 5 million

23. Nabasa mo ba lahat ng handouts sa biochem?
-NOOOOO di ko binasa ang Lectins at ALL, and lahat ng Laygo Handouts, some Ng handouts,

24. Balik tayo sa epid. Ilan ang naipasa mong test?
- i failed one... ata

25. Nagdadala ka ba ng sariling pad paper para magsupply sa mga kaklase?
- never. i have a lot of friends. :P

26. Prescribed shoes ba suot mo sa school?
- oo naman. kahit baha

27. Isang hindi makalimutang nangyari sa med
- I failed Physio Remeds - the worst. Michelle Santillan - the Best. and everything in between. Days with the Lord Batches, when stephen died, when we were shouting markfang penny! SJ Anniv, B2 Xmas party,

28. Ever wished you had a different pre-med?
- Medtech. :P pero, i love Bio naman eh.

29. Saan sa med building ang paborito mong CR?
- may nagsabing smelly lahat ng CRs nila.oo totoo.  pero di rin naman perpekto ang mga CR niyo. may mga tae pa din dun mehn. edi lumipat kanalang ng school i hate it when people trash about UST. edi lumipat nalang kayo kung ayaw niyo dito. andami daming nagpapakamatay para makapasok sa UST Med, tapos kayo reklamo ng reklamo. cmon. 

30. Nayari ka na ba ni Bongala?
- :s go SJ. :P

the story behind

we always hear about a disease, but not on the story behind it. we always hear about the mortality and morbidity of dengue, but haven't heard of the of the mothers who cried on their child's death beds. of how someone pulled a whole prayer group or support group just to wake someone from their coma. the grandmother who has mitral valve stenosis and cannot go to his grandson's graduation, the dad who can't go home for christmas because he has been quarantined in China for SARS, the son who left in a too early age because of leukemia.

i watched PBB a while ago and Jolas' dad talked about his son who died because of leukemia. they sold their business. the family's jewelries. and the money wasnt enough for him to reach 4-5 years old.

but when i heard about leukemia, i thought about blood. specifically white blood cells. i thought about the symptoms. what tests to be made. predict how long is he gonna last. and of course, think of ways to prolong that.

but do doctors think about the story behind them? are they interested to the parents who reconciled their differences to reunite so that they could be there, together, for their child? do they even care about the friends he will leave behind?

maybe not. i mean, a friend told me, that in one day, at PGH, you get to see 600 patients a DAY. you check their charts, meds, temperature, etc. 600 people. everyday. 600 stories. 600 faces. would you bother knowing their names in the first place, when you can't even remember their bed numbers?

hmmm. it's amazing (or not) how a hospital can be a place where the human spirit can be so challenged. in the OPD, i see people falling in line, carrying their babies, waiting for that 3-minute checkup with the doctor. people crying because their friend just died. cousins celebrating because of their cousin's succesful operation. a mother praying on her knees and crying because his son was shot in the lungs. a father just stunned in the benches wondering what happened to their child.

i was once there before. 5 years ago. my cousin got shot in the lower left quadrant of his abdomen region. three of them were shot actually. our distant cousin, kuya Jaja, died not even an hour in the ER. my closer cousin was rushed to the hospital, we carried him inside the Charity ward of UST hosp and my hands were filled with blood, i was hugging my cousins, and we were crying outside the OR. that feeling sucks.

and it's hard to think that Doctors get to see those stories everyday. they live among the tears, the blood, and the shit. now im starting to see why transference, and walls between doctors and patients are built. not because they don't care. not because theyre heart is dead. it's because if they let all the emotional stuff sink in, they'd die after diagnosing their 412th patient, for the day. sometimes it gets in them, theyre still human after all. but like what my dad said (and any other doctor will say), "walang doctor na hindi namamatayan ng pasyente"

it's amazing how a hospital can contain the most extreme of human emotions. people go in and out there everyday. each of them has a story to tell. and tomorrow theyre discharged or maybe dead. there's a story behind every person. everyone's got something to tell. there's a story behind the leukemia, the dengue, the diabetes, the stab wound... there's no place like a hospital. where you can cry in the corridors, and people would understand..

like what mitch albom said, "in every person, there's a story, and each of the story is connected to another, the the other one connects to the other, and the stories are all one."

home alone 2

last holy week, i was left home alone and my family went to Zambs.

and just minutes ago, they just left again. this time, i don't even have a maid with me.

i will pass all my remedial exams.

there's this void and eerie creepy silence in the house that i actually got used to.magkukulong ako dito sa bahay at mag-aaral.

let's do this Lord.

growl growl. haha. tiger power.

2011.

after ng next week, magwawala na ako. kaladkaran kung kaladkaran. inuman hanggang madaling araw hanggang umaga at di na uuwi. pupunta ako kung saan saan at ipapagpag ko ang mga dugo ng puso kong nag clot na at punong puno na ng intrinsic at extrinsic factors.

itaga sa bato. ipapasa ko muna to.

/hindi ako nagyayabang. kinukundisyon ko lang utak ko. at inaaply ang law of attraction. good thoughts, good results.


Let's do this, Lord. Basta Ikaw!

End of the World

Magugunaw na raw ang mundo sa 2012.

tangina. di pa kami doctor nun. Internship palang namin.

by that time malamang wala pa akong anak, at asawa. at apo. (duh)

by that time di pa namin nasosoli ang milyon milyong ginastos ng mga magulang namin samin.

by that time di pa namn nararanasan ang 2-Million peso surgery at kami ang bida.

by that time di ko alam kung makakahanap pa ako ng punyetang pag-ibig.

by that time hindi ko pa nabibigyan ng trip to Rome and parents ko.

by that time hindi man lang ako makakatapak ng Residency sa Jose Reyes bilang isang malupit nng Orthopedic Surgeon.

by that time, di pa ako nakakaganti sa mga future clerks at interns (bwahahahah)

pero sana by that time nakamove-on nako. (ayown ang banat! tangina!)