usap puso

Nakakatawa pag puso ang pinaguusapan. Nagpakasal si Mariel Rodriguez kay Robin Padilla kahit under 6 months palang silang naglalampungan. Si Kris Aquino minahal parin si James Yap kahit walang tigil na nakikipagkangkangan ang asawa niya sa kung sino sino – at chismis ng faci namin sa Surgery, may nabuntis pa daw siyang Med Student ng UST. Shhh. Nagpapakatangang mag-agawan si Jacob at Edward sa di naman kagandahang si Bella. Libo libong barko ang pinakawalan para lang iligtas si Helen ng Troy. At si Romeo at Juliet ay nagpakamatay - Kasi akala nung isa, patay na yung isa kaya nagpakamatay na siya, paggising nung isa, nagulat siya kasi nagpakamatay yung mahal niya dahil akala niya na patay na siya… kaya, nagpakamatay nga talaga siya. Magsama silang magyakapan sa impyerno.

Kung ikaw siguro ay pinapanood lang sila from a distance na walang emotional involvement, malamang isa lang masasabi mo sa kanila: ang tatanga nilang lahat.

Pero mas nakakatawang isipin kung ikaw na ang nasa kwento. Kung ikaw na ang pinagtaksilan ng asawa mo sa isang receptionist dahil lang buntis ka at di mo mabigay ang mga makamundong pagnanasa nya. Na binabalikan mo yung syota mong nakipaghalikan sa iba at pinatawad mo kasi nga naman ‘lasing daw sya’. Pano kung ikaw na yung nasa kwento? Ikaw na ang nagchichicken dance dahil nakakakilig yung text nung nilalandi mo.  Na di ka mapakali kakagulong sa kama mo kasi hindi pa siya nagrereply. Na nagpapakamartir ka sa isang taong may pinili nang iba pero anjan ka pa rin kahit mukha kang tanga pero di mo kasi marealize na ampangit pangit mo kaya di ka nya magustuhan. Yung di ka kakain ng 3 linggo para lang sa isang araw na date. Di ka magaaral sa Exam mo sa Radiology kinabukasan dahil sa dami ng iniisip mo… maiisip mo, ‘oo nga no, isa na ako sa mga tangang yun.’ At maiisip mong, hindi naman pala katangahan yun.

Siguro naman lahat ng tao merong kanya kanyang katangahan pag usapang puso. Merong nakakatawa. Merong nakakasuka. Merong parang gago. Merong cute. Merong ayaw mo nang pakinggan o balikan. Bakit nga ba hindi makapagisip ng maayos ang tao pag rumaragasa ang kulay reglang 4 letter word na yan? Aminin mo, to some degree, merong kang nagawang katangahan o mukhang tanga. Dahil sa pag-ibig. At para sakin, wala tayong karapatan mangkutya ng kahit sino dahil sa mga desisyon na palibhasa salungat sa paniniwala mo na ay tatawagin mo nang 'mali'

Shet. Pag-ibig daw. Nakakatawa rin naman kasi isipin, na people really do crazy things out of it. Ang facebook ay nabuo dahil sa pagkabasted kay Zuckerberg. Tinawid ni Richard Gutierrez and Ondoy Flood para lang maligtas si Cristine Reyes (teka, magsyota ba sila nun?),  si Ogie Diaz ay may asawa’t anak kahit bakla parin siya – bakit nga ba? Bakit nawawala tayo sa tamang ulirat at tamang dahilan kung nalasing na tayo ng Endorphines ng Love? Bakit tayo pumapayag masaktan? Bakit tayo naghihintay?  Bakit bumebenta ang flowers sa Dangwa? Bakit naging box office ang My Amnesia Girl? Bakit tayo natutulog ng nakangiti pag alam nating natutulog din ng nakangiti yung mahal mo dahil sayo? Bakit merong abot langit ang ngiti dahil lang tinext siya ng ‘oo’ ng nililigawan nya? Bakit ganto ang PU********G PAGIBIG?

Syempre hindi ko yan masasagot. Dahil tanungin mo ang isandaang tao kung bakit ganito ay isang daang magkakaibang sagot lang ang makukuha mo. Iba ang isasagot ng Doktor, iba ang isasagot ng pokpok, ng manikurista, ng pilosopo at iba ang isasagot ni Kris Aquino. Dahil wala talagang maayos na sagot kung bakit nagpapakatanga, nagpapakabaliw, nagpapakasasa, at nagpapakalasing ang mga tao dahil sa mga bagay na may kinalaman sa puso. At kung meron man, hindi makukuntento ang mga tao sa sagot na yon. Sabi ko nga sa dati kong blog, ‘Love has reasons that even reason can’t explain’

Siguro ang pinakamagandang gawin nalang ay magkaroon tayo ng mga kaibigang nasa labas para makita ang mga hindi natin nakikita, na sasalo sa atin kung sakaling ma out of balance ka sa kabaliwan mo. Na ienjoy ang mabuting pakiramdam na tinatawag ng mga kabataan na ‘kilig kilig’ o ‘chuvachuchu’ at gamitin ito para sa ikabubuti mo (tulad ng mainspire sa pag-aaral, pagiging mabuting mamamayan ng bansa, pagbabawas ng sungit, matutong magipon ng pera, maging mabuting tao) At kung sa tingin mo’y masakit na, tanungin mo sa sarili mo kung tama pa bang ipaglaban o dapat nang ipahinga. Kung dapat bang ituloy pa ang pantasya o magising ka na.

 

Pero sigurado akong pag nabihag ang puso nyo. Yung tipong baliw baliw baliiiw inlove -

– hindi nyo rin susundin ang payo ng kahit sino. :p

 

the comet

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.

 

He stood in magnificence of something so beautiful, and delicate, and fragile

He longed to have it and Love it the best way he can. That not knowing how long it will be there is not reason why the Love should be limited. That if ever it will be gone, he can thoroughly say that he Loved without any inhibition, or doubt, or fear. He just Loved.

 

he waited his entire life for it to come to him. for it to make him whole.

To make him happy.

To make all the words he weaved to be god damn worth it. 

To make him believe

 

 

It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning, Hope, and Faith, and unexplainable Joy.

 

There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. He became a cynic, a non believer, became bitter, and numb. Sometimes he shunned away. Many times, he got tired.

 

But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him,

 

That his world would be whole again...

 

And his belief

 

in God

and Love

and Art

 

would be re-awakened in his heart. 

when the patient is someone you know

Death brought me here tonight. 72 hours postmortem, I went back to my province to pay my last respects to him.

 

This is the case of my Uncle, a 54 year old, Filipino, Merchant Marine who had Adenocarcinoma of the Lungs and Metastasized to his Brain.

 

For a Medical student, it is a case stage 4 cancer with poor prognosis. The most aggressive surgical, chemo, and radiation treatment can only extend his stay for a few months but the quality of life will also be compromised. Then there will shoot a myriad of symptoms here and there indicating the dysfunction of other organs as well. Lesser urine output, sensory and motor deficits, weight loss, and the one I’m most dreaded to see: Pain.

 

But for a Nephew, it is a case of prayer brigades and clinging to all hopes, wishing this to be an exemption. Wishing that for this time, this case would be the statistical discrepancy of Clin Epid. For this time, God may pull out a Miracle. The same feeling was with me when another Uncle passed away due to several masses on his Liver. Here’s the thing: when you live as a man of science, you live with the cold facts. But when your emotions get involved, you deny even if the tumor is as big as your face, you get angry at the realization of it. You look out and try for alternative methods. Bargain and Haggle with God a lot. And become more than willing to roll the dice to recovery no matter how slim the chance is.

 

My Uncle had been bravely battling cancer for the past year. You won’t notice it until you know. And the falling hair and mega dose of chemo and radiation initially didn’t weaken him. Muntik pa nga siyang makipag-away sa truck driver nung namalengke kami. Actually nakipag-away na kasi binato na niya ng saging yung gago.

 

But like what one song says, ‘even the best fall down sometimes.’ December came and he was not the jolly and strong uncle we used to know. He stayed at our place for a few minutes, and he can’t even walk. When they were trying hard to make him lie on the sofa, our eyes met. And amidst the pain and difficulty of breathing he was feeling, he smiled at me. As if he was the same strong uncle whom I always pick up in the airport when he visits us, the same uncle who always jokes around me, who always tell me stories of his fights during his youth. That uncle who always pat me in the back and says, “Bilisan mo maging doctor ha?”

 

His smile to me that day was the last time we had eye contact. I nodded at him and smiled back. And we smiled at each other. There was no need for words or lovey dovey background music and dramatic speech for me to tell him that I care for him so much, and for him to tell me that he’ll be OK. All we had was that a-less-than-a-minute-eye contact. And that memory is something for me to keep for as long as I’ll live.

 

The last 10 days, my Dad infused Kabiven on him to keep meet all his nutritional requirements thru IV to keep him alive. Me and sibs were asked to check on it from time to time, then my grandmother asked me a very simple question: why are you still keeping him alive? Why can't you just let him cross over without artificial nutrition?

True that there really is no hope for that case, but as Physicians, we would still want to prolong life, right? But what if prolonging life means prolonging agony? What if the pain meds are good, thur removing the agony, but, still, not improving prognosis? The patient might be on a downward spiral, but because of the doctors, puts it on slow motion? But what will Ethics say if we don’t? Will stopping it be called Euthanasia? Will continuing it be called torture? Problem with ethics is the black or white of it. There is no blacker or whiter. For me, neither medicine nor relationships can be defined in black and white.Real life only comes in shades of grey. So we just did what we have to do, and let spend his remaining days in the least painful way possible.

 

Now as I write this, I can say he is in a better place right now. I am not fishing for Condolences or Sympathy. Maybe saying a little prayer for him right now would help. I am doing this for it is my way of immortalizing him.

 

maybe this could be A Eulogy to this Uncle of mine who looked into the eye of Cancer and spat on its face,

 

too bad, Cancer fought back.

 

He battled it, It humbled him, and now, he is in peace.

 

 

 

 

This is Dedicated to my Uncle, German Ebilane Garcia. May he Rest in Peace.

 

(No Condolences, please. Thank you)

X and Y

Karl and Karl (Part 5 or 6? of the Schizo Series)

 

 

They were at the cemetery. Looking at one grave: their own.

 

Two men are standing beside each other, staring down at the name. Him, and Him, looking at the grave, under a stone. Both of the same age and soul... It was cloudy and gloomy. The time when this happened was undefined, and didn’t matter. All they know is that they’re in a place, where the book will be finally closed. Where everything will be buried altogether.

 

The 2 men looked the same. Same posture, same hair, same voice, both had the same career, both successful, and the same set of friends, same school, same hospital where they worked – they only differed in one thing:

 

The first one believed in Love. And the other, did not.

 

For convenience, let’s call the believer, X. And the non believer, Y.

 

For a long time, they were just staring at the stone. And finally, X, asked, “Who do you think is buried there? A believer or a non believer? You or me?

 

Y said, “It depends on who he chose to be”

 

X replied, “I hope it’s me. A believer”

 

Y “what makes you damn think he will? We are well aware of his haywired emotions, right? What makes you think that after it all, he will still choose to believe?”

 

X raised his voice, “Why do you find it so hard to believe?”

 

Y asked back, “Why do you find it so easy?”

 

X “What makes you think it is you on that grave? To live like you is miserable”

 

Y  “Living like me is easy. You live without expectations. Women come and go as they please. I throw parties whenever I want. Get laid all I want. And the next day, I start with a clean now slate. No commitments. No crying baby to wake me up.”

 

X smiled, and pleads his case, “I never said living like me is easy. I live with a lot of expectations from my wife, my family. Women tempt me, but I have to turn down even if she’s a porn star. I throw parties, but my families have to be in it, and it has to end by 12. I get laid, maybe, but with only one woman. The next day, I continue everything. There is no reset button. For a crying baby will soon wake me up.”

 

Y shook his head with an arrogant smile and said simply, “you’re a fucking, boring Man”

 

X smiled back and said, “you’re a boring, fucking man…

 

…but you know what? I believed in the greatest thing God wanted me to do, I loved. I tried to find it so many times, and many times have I failed, and got hurt. There were times when I thought my decision to believe was wrong, but, in retrospect, when I saw the bigger picture, I know, it was worth it. I have someone worth living for. And smiling for. And dying for. And I’m happy. How about you? Are you happy?”

 

Y, unfazed, said with conviction, “I am happy. Because the heart isn’t everything. Look at people’s decisions when love is involved? They’re screw up. They lose objectivity. They throw away security. Remove logic. They give in to the high that is all just hormones. In my world, everything is black and white. I do calculated risks. I roll the dice with confidence. I am Happy.”

 

Y looked at X, as he is about to slap big words on him… “And the best thing about not believing?”

“What?” X looked back at him

 

“…I am pure from bitter phases and spared from the pain of a heart break…

 

…I never got hurt.”

 

 

 

The two stopped talking. Part of X thought about the pains he had, and questioned if it really is worth believing. Likewise, part of Y thought about what could it be to feel loved… to feel appreciated and treated more than just a One Night Stand. The thing with choices and decisions, is that, after we’ve chosen, there comes a time where we’ll wonder what else will happen if we chose the other one.

 

 

And it started to rain. But they still stood there, looking at the stone where there was just nothing but a name. It didn’t say if he believed or did not.

 

No case was settled on that day. After all, if one person has proven that he is the better one, it is still up to the one on the grave if he will choose to be what he will be. And as the two men walk away, their journeys end.

 

 

It is still up to him.

 

---

There are times we make choices, we juggle X from Y

I am not in the position to dictate to anyone what to choose.

All I hope for, is that, if people finally choose,they’ll be happy, and stand firm on that decision.

between the stars and waves

It’s been a while since I saw stars. Stars with streaks of clouds and not smoke. Been a while since I lied down sloppily in the cold sand as I heard the waves clapping beside me. The cold chill of Zambales air without a disturbing breeze.  No internet connection. No Medical books in hand. No quizzes to worry about tomorrow. No responsibilities. No alcohol. No underwear (just kidding). Pure bliss. I’m glad to be home.

 

How many blogs have I written about this setting? In this spot as I type this, I realized I’ve been writing stuff about the sunset and seas since Highschool. I remember this is the first scene of our Novel way back in Third Year English class – the sunset.  I remember drunk blogs inspired by drunk nights. Thisis the ground where I sweat, I bled, I dreamt, and wept and Got Drunk and got laid . Where I thought of Weddings and Proposal settings, Thesis Projects and Epid Reasearches, or just a simple candle lit date – most of these thoughts, fantasized when I’m alone here. And ‘alone here’ is 90% of the time. The other 10% are with guys, and most of the time, with alcohol.

 

 

I’m kind of tired of being alone. Really. (mind you, I’m slashing Pride points from me as I write this) I crave for a really good relationship since it’s been a long time since that good one, but most of the time, I worry my standards are too out of my league. But on the other hand, I don’t want to settle for a runner up. Wow, ang kapal ng mukha kong sabihin to parang napakagwapo ko ah. In tagalog logic – Gusto ko ng Caviar (tama ba spelling?!) na may kung ano anong kasabay ng high class na wine pero masyado ata yun masarap para sakin at wala yatang ganun sa Pilipinas, pero ayoko naman na porke di ko makuha yun, kakain nalang ako ng chicken skin na tigsasampung piso at kasabay ng Cossack vodka. Yuck. Ayoko ng pampalipas gutom lang.

 

Another analogy. It’s like going to the Moon versus going to Bulacan. I want to go to the moon, but it’s logically impossible. But I don’t want to sidetrip to Bulacan just to compensate for not going to the moon because no matter how many times I go to Bulacan, going to the moon once will beat it all. So, where does that leave me? A big question mark filled with lonely nights and could have beens and love stories that will only remain fantasy. We sometimes ask for someone of high value but we have to look at the mirror and ask if we are of high value, ourselves.

 

 

But I am not writing this to nail myself on the coffin of loneliness and crap. I’m not going to put an end to that story that until now, I believe God has written for me (And God, if you’re reading this, kill me now if you don’t have a story for me, damn it.) I’m not asking for a goddess or a fairy or a supermodel or a princess or an Angel on Lingerie. Kung yun lang, I might as well just wish for Mama Mary, Julia Roberts in Peter Pan the Movie, or a Victoria’s Secret chick, but no. Simple lang naman, just someone presentable and smart. Ayan nanaman tayo sa ‘standards.’ The ironic thing is, we set out standards, but once when we get hit of the spell, the standards are thrown out the window and we’re left wondering how we fell into it.

 

 

Throughout the course of history we have seen so many people go to wars because of love, got killed because of love, and live because of that 4 letter word. So many movies and songs and plays and books and poems and stories because of love. And I have told so many people that we are Born to Love, therefore, it would be ironic if it will be me who can’t even swallow my own pill. So… I cannot be that hypocrite. I must always believe. Sometimes the belief flickers, or gets questioned – but eventually I get  around it, and will get around it, strengthening the belief more than ever.

 

The belief in that promise of that one day, in between the stars and waves where I sit right now, would be a great setting for something special.

 

Something worth keeping. Something worth remembering.

 

And from where I am right now, we’d jump to the moon, and beyond.

 

To a place where reason can’t reason out.

 

Because love has reasons that even reason cannot explain.

not a bad year after all

It's 5AM again and for the past 5AMs of this vacation (now 7am before I publish this), I was also awake so i guess it's official that my Sleeping Habits have been reversed and my Circadian Rhythm has been broken. In a few minutes, the sun will peep out, and hopefully I'll convince myself again to sleep. And wake up around 2PM. Aah. The Life. The Bum Life. 

 

Being the only person awake in the house makes you talk to yourself more. Not the freaky-talk-to-self-shizophreniac-type but more of the reflective type. I realized That it's under 10 days before we change our calendars, around 2 more sleeps before xmas and bbye to 2010! well, I actually already did.

 

I kissed 2010 Goodbye weeks ago. The moment December checked in, I went on Vacation mode and I'm just so ready to leave this year in the hopes of a better year. This year I lost 3 Phones, a laptop, wet my iPod that disabled it forever, 2 reformats, failed a subject, discovered I have sleep Apnea, blablablablabla the list will go on and on and on that I want to leave all the crap the Year of the Tiger thats-supposed-to-be-a-lucky-year has given me. But this post will not be here in the first place if this will be just a "Rant List" or "Series of Unfortunate events"

 

 

2010 is not the best year for me. Yes, I can say that. But saying that 2010 sucks would be unfair to all the good things that this year also given me... So, this, is my attempt to count my blessings this year.

 

 

1) I dont know if this happened this year or very early of January. But number 1 is not just about Sylar. It's about my family. I had better ties with my Sibs and Parents. Although my parents hate me more this year than last year, and of course I know why- they have all the reasons to be mad at me most times - but I am yet to redeem myself.The thing is, I'm glad they haven't given up on me. And I'm glad I haven't given up on Me either.

Sylar's Baptism

 

 

2) Shan and Pae received great DWTL gifts this year in the form of Batch 79 and 80. Im glad they had the time of their lives and they got to relive their DWTL moments, got their own set of Staffers and Kids and got drunk with their own dose of they Days High.

 

It made me relive my own batch (54) and when I Rectored (70) and these thoughts made me feel old. Damn. Haha.

with my dwtl70 staffies

 

 

 

 

3) I learned a lot about leadership. How to handle people a little bit. Learned more about priorities and managing my time better. Being the Segundus of the fraternity meant a lot for me because I have a lot to prove to them and I gave a lot of promises the day of The Grilling. I'm not gonna comment on how I'm doing my job so far, but, I believe I have set standards and raised them a little bit. I believe I'm a part of the evolution. And looking back, we've gone quite far.

SJ brods at the 2010 LTS

 

Like what we always say to new brods, "There will come a point where it will all boil down to one reason alone: Mahal natin ang Frat. Let that be the guiding light to everything we do"

UE Chapter Anniv 2010

 

I met a lot of new brods and sisses not just from UST but from different chapters as well. Some already know me before we even met, thanks to Facebook. Some from far away, even out of the country. And I even got the chance to visit brods out of the country and treated me as if we knew each other for a long time even though first time lang talaga kami nagkita. Nanlibre pa. Haha.It was nice to think that wherever I go in the states, there will always be a brod in the vicinity.

the remnant of october 14

 

 

 

4) The Fraternity induction ball marked a new age for the frat. (Well, I kinda made that one up, actually) But the alumni who were there were proud on how much the Frat has grown since their time. It put us in high spirits that it will was one of the most memorable (and most toxic) events of my term. So this event deserves a separate recognition from number 3

Induction Ball 2010

 

"I am a Spark. I am the Spark of Right. I am the Fraternity. And Scintilla Juris is my name"

 

 

5) MEDICAL MISSIONS! Tons of it this year. Most from Noynoy's Spark for Change, all 15 of them this year, most notably during his inauguration Rites. Became a part of History. While Noynoy was being Inaugurated, I was checking the Vital Signs of one collapsed woman.

Noynoy Inauguration with Brod Egay Zaragosa

 

And of course, the Zambales Mission :)

Zambales Mission with Mayor Jean Misa Morana

 

 

6) And yes. The opposite of Frat. I am still active at Days With The Lord. I never thought I'd last this long. It's my siblings' fault. I'm supposed to retire yeaaars ago, but they always seem to be invited as staff and they need me to support them.

DWTl Grand Mass

So then I realized that you don't go back to days when you run out of batch mates, candidates, or friends that you know. because, in the end, the real reason must be: we go back to Days because of Him.

DWTL 77 Batch Dinner with my Kids

And then came a new set of Grandkids c/o Pot's batch 78. Recruited Biboy (77), Junboy Ed (78), Odan (78), and Jacob (80) Im pretty sure Im not gonna be gone in the Days weekend anytime soon because of these people :) From batch 56 onwards, I never missed a batch :)

 

 

7) And oh. The V-neck. You walk down the halls of the Med Building with pride because you no longer have a collar and the buttons are on the side and glide in the corridors with slow-motion effect. That means you passed Pharma and Patho last year. Proud to wear it this year. But only for the first few months... and then, you'll forget about the king-of-the-med-building feeling because you were drowned again from all the school crap.

Econ's Bday

 

8) SYLAR! Our cute adopted baby that always brighten up our day when we go home

sorry, i can't get a decent pic. im sleepy doing this

 

9) Participated in a lot of Activites by the Student Council. And had fun doing it.

Medicine Freshmen Walk

From LTS tour-de-med to Freshmen walk to Q Rosary to MEd Week and the rest of the activities especially when there are free food involved. :D

 

 

10) Friends who are non Frat and non Days related but are still my friends (Med Friends kasama na mga Prof, Council Friends, Bio Friends, Wisdom Friends, Dogsquad, and my Blog Fans (that includes the squealers who have been telling my mom that I've been cursing on FB. Tss.)) - I'm thankful for all of them. 

B2 @ Potipot

B2 Xmas Party!

4bio1 07 Xmas Dinner

 

 

 

All these, and more... I haven't included my trip to US, the fun Birthday week I had, the Dorm Adventures, and the story on how I conquered my Writer's Block, blablablablabla the list will go on and on. This year isn't bad after all.

 

i am the master of my fate, i am the captain of my soul

One thing this year taught me, is that, at the end of it all. There is still a lot more things to be thankful for.

 

So, Goodbye 20-effing-10. and Hello, 2011. Cheers to a better year!

 

Happy New year, Everyone!

 

(oo maaga talagang New year Blog to. Yung Xmas blog naman ipopost ko before new year. haha)