ilang taon pa?

Ilang taon pa?

 

Ito siguro ang pinaka gasgas na tanong sa mga Med Student tuwing may family reunion.

 

Ilang taon pa, dok?

 

Mapapaisip ka eh. Madalas, sinasagot ko nalang, “matagal pa.” – pero so far, sa pagkakaalala ko, mayroon nang 3 taong namatay na bago man lang ako nagka-role sa pagligtas ng buhay nila – lahat sila sinabi, sana maabutan ko daw silang magamot. E pano pa pala kung pagpapalaki lang ng boobs at pambobotox sa mga gurang lang ang kapapadparan kong linya? Ano nalang sasabihin ng mga may kanser na lalapit sakin, “dok, tulong naman, may cancer po ako”

 

Malamang ang masasagot ko ay, “uhmm, ‘Nay, taga gawa lang po ako ng suso at taga higop ng taba. Ang best ko pong magagawa sa inyo ay gawin kayong maganda bago mamatay” – syempre hindi pwede yun diba?

 

Back to the story. 3 na silang namatay. 3 na close sa akin pero. marami pang ibang nagsabi sakin noon na, “pag doctor ka na, ikaw gagamot sakin ah?”, na hindi ko maalala kung sino-sino  pero may ilan dun na namatay na rin. Madalas kasi akong sinasama ng tatay ko sa mga pasyente nya sa probinsya lalo na pag mga kamag-anak. Nakakatuwa sila magpasalamat kay daddy. Karamihan walang pambayad (at malamang ndi na pinapagbayad pag kamag-anak) pero makikita mo naman na yung yakap nila kay daddy ay daig pa ang tuko sa kakakapit. Parang wowowee pero hindi scripted at hindi pinlano. Last week nga lang may pinuntahan kaming pasyente, binigyan nila kami ng native na manok as PF. Nakakatuwa yung fulfillment kung nagpapasalamat sila… Mas lalong nakakatuwa kung may magaling magluto dun sa bahay na binisita namin dahil pinaghahandaan nila pag andun kami. Panalo. Pero, dont get me wrong, nakakatuwa pa rin kung nagbabayad din sila. :p

 

Minsan napapayuko nalang ako kakaisip kung ilang taon pa nga ba. Mas lalo akong napapayuko pag tumitingin sakin ang mga magulang ko pag tinatanong yun. Matagal kasi... tapos pinatagal ko pa. Ang kapal ng mukha ko kasi - Delayed kasi ako sa Med. Irregular student. Syempre masakit pero im trying to put on a brave-face. Hindi nalang siguro ako nagpapaapekto kasi wala na talaga akong magagawa. Irregular student. Patabaing baboy na maluwag ang sched pero bopols pa rin sa Acad Performance. nakaputi at minsan may bitbit na stethoscope kahit di marunong magdetect ng normal heartbeat o murmur. Pero, oo nga pala, hindi sa pagkairreg ko ang dapat pagusapan sa blog na to. Napapaisip lang ako sa napakatagal na panahong ginugugol mo para lang sa punyetang “to help humanity” na yan. I-compute nga natin:

 

4 years Premed

+ 4 years Med (minsan 5, minsan 6, minsan 6 ½, minsan 7)

+ 1 Year Internship (what the hell is this for?)

+ 4 months review for boards

+ 3 months bum 

+ 1 month pre-residency

+ 3-4 years residency

+ 3-4 years subspecialty or fellowship.

 

May suma total na umaatikabong 15 Years kung di ka madedelay, hindi magmomoonlight galore, at tuloy tuloy ang pag asenso mo from one stage to another. After nun, hahanapin mo pa ang practice mo. Pambihira.

 

Kaya hindi ko rin masisi ang mga doctor kung bakit bonggang bongga sila maningil ng pasyente. Sinakripisyo nila ang prime of their life para lang sa siyensya at lisensya. Makakamiss ng mga mahahalagang milestones ng inaanak nila. Hindi makakabonding ang mga kapatid nila. Mamimiss ang birthday ng bestfriend. Natulog sa sinehan habang nakikipagdate sa syota. Ininda nila ang napakaraming tanong nga mga kamag-anak nila tuwing reunion para lang iexplain sa kanila kung gano katagal maging ganap na doctor.  Yun ay kung nakakapunta pa kami sa mga family reunions – kung walang exam sa susunod na mga araw. Isinantabi muna ng karamihan samin na isipin ang paggawa ng pamilya, o pagnenegosyo. Imbes na mag retire na ang magulang namin, humihingi pa kami ng limpak limpak na salapi para lang mapahirapan at magpuyat. At bumagsak. At laitin ng consultant. At maging adik sa kape. At maging manhid.

 

So, ilang taon pa? Madalas ang sinasagot ko nalang ay, “matagal pa po” Syempre may mga taong hindi pa satisfied sa sagot ko kaya sasabihin kong, magSuSurgeron ako, Ortho siguro o Kidney transplant. TCVS kung mapagtiyatiyagaan. Kung papalarin.

 

Hindi pa yun ang end ng story syempre. Madami nang itatanong sa iyo as if you know everything. May magtatanong kung bakit di gumagaling ang sugat nila. Kung pano magkakaAids. Kung paano dadayain ang urine drug test. Kung ikamamatay ba niya ang pagkain ng Crispy Pata kanina kasi nagbublurr ang paningin nya. Kung nakakamatay ba ang pagputok ng pigsa. Kailangan ba ng prescription para makabili ng Cytotec. Normal lang bang magka almuranas. Kung totoo ba ang vaginismus ni john Lloyd at Shaina. Ano nga daw ba ang Vaginismus? Kapareho lang ba yun ng nangyayari pag natapos magtalik ang mga aso? Edi sabuyan nalang sila ng asin? May nagtaong pa nga kung brod ko ba si Hayden Kho. (mukha ngang exaggerated to pero I can swear on my life na tinanong talaga sakin tong mga to)

 

90% ng mga tinatanong sa amin, hindi namin masasagot ng maayos. Kung masagot man, at may ipeprescribe kaming gamot, kadalasan hindi namin alam ang dosage, o most of the time, kailangan pa ng further testing para makumpirma ang diagnosis. In short – nagmumukha lang nonsense. Or nagmarunong lang pero hindi nakatulong. Minsan may mae-elibs na kamag-anak kasi andami ko na daw alam pero sa loob loob ko, hindi lahat din ng nasabi ko ay sigurado ako. Hehe. Mas marami pang alam ang Wikipedia.

 

Hindi ko na magets ngayon kung bakit ko sinusulat tong thoughts na to. Lalong nakakatawang isipin na ipopost ko ito para mabasa ng maraming tao. Siguro ang point ko lang:

 

Ilang taon pa? Huwag na siguro nating bilangin.

 

Tutal naman, kahit papano, enjoy naman dahil sa magaganda kong kaklase, nanlilibreng ka-subsec pag birthday, freebies pag med week, at oo nga pala, enjoy dahil makikita mo ang mundo mula sa kaliit-liitang chromosome hanggang sa pandaigdigang epidemya. Kahit papano alam naming may bunga ang pagtanda sa loob ng pader ng paaralan. Sabi nga ni Miley Cyrus, It’s the Climb. Sabi nga ng Brod kong si Jappy Castillo, “Ang Medicine, hindi pabilisan kundi pasarapan”

 

Corny nga naman kung balang araw, nagising ka nalang na may suot ng white coat naka embroider ang pangalan mo tapos may, “MD” at kung anu ano pang karugtong. Kailangan na talagang paghirapan. Masakit isipin  at sabihin pag hindi pa tapos. Mahirap gawin pag ginagawa palang. Pero masarap balikan pag tapos na. Maaapreciate ko nalang siguro tong mahabang paglalakbay na ito in Retrospect nalang.

 

Ilang taon pa? Tinatanong nila yun sayo kasi marami silang umaasa. Minsan kahit hindi mo choice magpaasa, umaasa sila. Nagtitiwala sila. Inaabangan ka nila. Kaya mas lalong bumibigat ang responsibilidad. Pero mas lalong sasarap ang tagumpay. Mas lalong tumitindi ang pressure. Pero syempre, smile pa rin sa harap nila. Ganyan talaga ang buhay showbiz – i mean – buhay natin.

----

So, pag nasettle na yung tanong na iyon. Either masasagot ko, or maiiwas sa ibang tanong. Makakahinga ng konti... maya maya (lalo na ang matatanda) Ibabato naman nila sa akin ang isa pang napakalaking tanong na wala na akong balak sagutin pa sa blog na ito.

 

 

KELAN KA MAG-AASAWA?

 

Kamusta naman.

a tale of two cities

Four Years since I changed that relationship status in Friendster from plural to singular. Now that everyone has evacuated that once nice place, it's still the same label I got until now, and maybe tomorrow. and tomorrow... But no, I'm not complaining. It's just that, tonight, i heard from her again...

----

she "o bakit wala pa rin?!"

me "sabi ko sayo diba, hahanapin ko muna sarili ko. aayusin. para naman di ko maulit sa iba mga mali ko sayo"

"ang tagal mo naman hanapin yang sarili mong yan"

inside me "punyeta ka kasi eh"

 actual reply "eh matagal eh."

---

She was far now from what she was when we were us. now with a good income with her dream job which i never thought she could do. now Married, whom I wished before it'd be 'Edejer' on her last name, but no. And now with a Kid. A cute little kid which is expected. She was talking like a mother and a married woman and a fulfilled professional - which is, well, at some point, she really is. And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, I could say, I'm happy for her.

But what she said during the chat struck me."Ang tagal mo naman hanapin sarili mo"

There wasn't a mark of anything from our last conversation in flesh years ago. Maybe she forgot all the pain she induced. Maybe she didn't know how bad it was at all. Or maybe matagal naman talaga. Bakit nga ba ang tagal? --- I think I could fathom the latter maybe more than the first maybes.

And then, I remembered the pain. In retrospect. the Pain without the feeling. Objectively, i remembered it.

The pain that made me run away. The pain that made me write bloody blogs. The pain that made me grow up. The one that made me better. 

That pain that hurts. That hurt more. And ultimately, hurt no more.

She probably had forgotten it. But that's her. And i'll let her be.

As for me, i realized sometimes, it lingers. Not in the sense that there is still something on her - definitely no. But something, in the sense na, everything falls into pieces once the fear of a repeat of what happened is looming. That Trust has just become a brand of condoms - cheap, flavored, one time use. There's still that broken shard of glass that remains in me that is more than just a souvenir of how broken i was. A reminder to be careful. To be watchful... But I know that when the spell strikes once again, I'd be this dumb ass dude again.

 

So what now?

 

(text above: written a few months ago.)

(text below. today 3:09AM, ends 3:40)

There were two cities. Who were once One. They both benefited each other, and in time, they loved the company of each other. They were so close that he doesnt even have to whisper to tell her what he feels because his eyes tell it all. That he breathes in what she breathes out. That her hands, on his chest, was his hand. That when he closes his eyes, she falls asleep. (yes, I got that from Spongecola and Pablo Neruda)

 

But there came a time where one city has to progress, leaving the other city behind. She needs to upgrade. She needs new stuff. She needs fresh air. She needs to evolve. As for the other city, he didn't quite understand why. And it took him a long time to just ask the heavens for some reason behind it. Maybe he has to be the sacrificial lamb for the other city to progress. He has thought She has evolved using him. He was left out and he doesn't have She to rise with. So, he let her be. He doesnt understand but he let her be.

Today. After a long time. The left-out city, has found its spirit again. He tried to look everywhere near and far, only to find out that what he was looking for was just within. through finding it, He realized It was not the old city/self he once knew - it's a different one, a lot better one. he realized that that city has to be destroyed first so that one can build a better one. a stronger one. a deeper one. a city where there is an eternal sunshine emanating in the middle of it. Where there is a pool of hope and faith and radiance in every corner of that wonderful place. That in finding it's spirit and self back, he gained a brand new one. In losing everything, he gained everything. It doesnt need to be found after all. It just need to be awakened. And that city is now better than ever.

This is a tale of two cities where one destroyed the other in pursuit of the city's progress. The destroyed-one thought for a while that he was a victim of the process. But now, the once-destroyed city gives Thanks the one who destroyed him. for without that state of calamity, he would not have be standing strong right now. Beaming with pride, standing on a pedestal where he deserves to be.

There were two cities who were once One, but now, they are two totally different Cities.

And they are a lot better off that way.

And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, He could say, I'm happy for her.

and He is happy for what's in store for himself, too.

 

 

(weird that i compared it to cities)

(okay, i need to effing sleep)