It was Day 488 for Tom and Summer. It is less than day 300 for Me and Her. We didnt have a final conversation, maybe I'm letting Tom and Summer do it for us...
(Tom)...."you know it sucks realizing that everything you believe in was just complete and utter bullshit? Sucks. You know, destiny, solmates, true love and all that childhood fairy tales... nonsense... You were right, i shouldve listened to you"
...
(Summer) "No tom, you were right.... It just wasnt me you were right about"...
...
So, I guess this is it. The old familiar feeling that I just want to sleep or drink away but at the end of it, when you wake up whether with hangover or none, it still lingers and stings. Sometimes I choose to succumb more into the sleep to forget the pain, but, eventually i'd still wake up to the reality of it...that I cant run away from it. It is something that no matter how hard i try to catch in words, it still falls short to how I exactly feel about it. You know it's weird? I've lived 24 years na wala naman siya, how come, at this point, I can't see myself moving forward without her?
I miss her. I miss how her voice whispers to my ears to say goodmorning, the way I hug her and i say 'ambango moo' and she says 'ang asiiiim mo', the way she cooks for me and how it puts a spell on my mood and accuse her na ginagayuma nya ako. Ill miss how painful it is for me to watch her cry, how I say sorry even it's her fault, and how I ask her parents or cousin to help me get back at her. I miss how we could stand not talking to each other because our mere presence beside each other would be enough for me to feel that I am loved. I miss finding solace in just hearing the air that she breathes, and comfort in her tiny little hands, and the rush that her lips bring unto mine. I miss how sweet she is, and how she embrace my flaws and immaturities, I miss how she love me, I miss how we created a world where it is only she and I.
I will miss her. Although we may not have a lot of memories to keep, the lessons I have learned from this relationship will last for the rest of my life. I have redefined the words 'patience', 'benefit of the doubt', and have put the threshold of love to a higher level. I have never thought I am capable of things I have never thought I could do, dealt with unimaginable situations, became paranoid to the highest level - although there is no concrete explanation until now for everything that happened, I guess I'll never get all my answers, maybe not even up to now, but I know someday I will understand why - they will all form a perfect picture when I one day look at it in retrospect. Rob Thomas said it perfectly in one of his songs: ''let the clarity define you, in the end, you will only just remember how it feels"
Oftentimes, we ask ourselves and the end of each relationship, 'were we really loved?' or, 'are there any things that you regret?', 'have the things we've done been properly compensated, or given back?' - we ask selfish things and speak as if we were victims of our relationships, but in the end, we get to realize that the more pertinent questions are "did we really love unconditionally and wholeheartedly?", and "did we try our best to make it work?" - the latter questions will render the first ones useless, because the first ones could be out of our control, but the latter ones, it's all up to us, no matter how uncontrollable things are it's all in our control, therefore we should do it in the best way we can. The first questions are up to fate, but the latter ones, it's in our hands....
So, the question is, did I really Love her?
I have tried to understand Feng Sui, dealt with her friends, patiently waited for hours but still got ditched, she had the worst of mood swings, i waited and made efforts that I never thought I am capable of. I had all the reasons before to let go, but i needed only one reason for me to hold on to: I Love Her. Beyond her mood swings and instability, beyond reason and feng sui traditions - regardless of looking stupid, regardless of the doubters of our relationship (specially to that fat guy who keeps on honking that im delusional), regardless of the complications and criticisms - i didnt mind them all. I swallowed my pride that i choked on in but still swallowed it back. I have loved without considering my own feelings. I neglected myself and my reason just to make it in line with hers.... Damn it. Sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants.
If that was not loving, then i know what is....
Unfortunately, now, we're over. What more better day to pick, but on my birthday? :( i know that I did what I have to do, and I was there where I was supposed to be - she wasnt.
So, It's over. We're over. :c
....
Someday she will move on. She will be loved by a guy more than I loved her. He will be perfect for her, and they will have their stars aligned for them, he will be pure chinese so that there will be no more issues, Maybe he will be more goodlooking than I am (just maybe), but i wish her only one thing - i wish her hapiness. the true genuine hapiness she craves for, the type of hapiness that is more than she ever felt from me. She deserves all the best things in the world. Maybe God said, I am not the best for her, and I have to be man enough to accept that.
Someday I will move on. But for now I will contemplate all I want, there will be times that I will well some tears, sometimes, I will call my friends and rant about it, and sometimes I will write about it, sometimes I will just pray, I will do everything I can to put reason to everything that happened. No foul words will be said, and no pin pointng will happen. For whatever happened, happened. All i have to do now, like what a good friend said, is to 'refind, refine, redefine, and redeem' - I will embark again on the beautiful journey of finding myself once again, on discovering the things i missed and lost along the way and celebrate the things that i have gained. I dont know if things will get better from here on, whether there will be aftermaths and addendums, but i take comfort in the fact that in the end, everything is going to be alright. If it's not alright, then it's not the end yet... Last sunday, while walking to receive communion, God had arranged the choir so wonderfully and sang a song for me, and it said, "Do not be afraid, I am with you" -and i cant help myself but lacrimate and hold my sister's shoulder - for in that very moment, I knew that im not going through this alone. That God is with me, and that should be reason enough for me not be afaid. God is with me and he sent angels to get me by...
I will move on. I have to move on. I have loved till it hurt me. Loved till it hurt me more, it's about time that I should love till it will hurt no more.
Someday, I will be loved. Whoever she is, she will love me more than i deserve to be loved. And i will love her like the universe has never seen anything like it before. I will be there at a snap of a finger, or make it appear that i am there by mere closing her eyes, and she will always remind me of which love is worth fighting for, and which does not. I will love her with all my hypertensive heart and the complications that will come by it. I will see to it that she falls in love with me everyday, that each day will be more reason to love me more.
All she has to do, is to say she loves me back.
To say she loves me back -
- wait a minute, these are the words that got her into me, but why am I still selling the idea to the next women after her? Havent I gotten hurt before that these should be enough to say enough?... After thinking of these long and hard, i realized one thing: even though the burning ambition for that love-story-to-die-for had me crashing and died trying, instead of giving up, the more shall I be excited and more longing, because I know The next one will be better than the last, and unto the next one, and to the next one, until one day i will stumble upon the best - and that best? She will one day walk down the aisle for me as the most beautiful woman the world has ever seen. She will walk in those perfect smile, and each step will be filled with grace, she will be the one, she will give herself to me wholeheartedly and unconditionally... And by that time, it will all be clear to me:
that the reason why everybody else didnt work out, was because it paved my way for Her and I.
I thought for the past months that I already have her, but, God said otherwise. I was asking God why he gave me to her, or her to me, but Maybe i only have to take comfort in the fact that maybe, it is for the Best. For whatever best it may be. I have to accept that, little by litle.
So please join me as I Pray to the Lord,
"Dear God.
I guess there is no point in asking why you have given me this story. There's no point in becoming mad at you because what's done is already done. So i guess my prayer will not be rooted from anger but of gratitude...
You know what, Lord?, from this I have appreciated my friends and ruled out fake friends (i really got disappointed for some, specially the fat bastard who's just projecting his insecurities) I learned that my family is bigger than I am, that money does not always equate hapiness. And most of all, Lord, I have learned my capabilities and boundaries, that there is a type of pain that teaches you and makes you strong, but there is also a type of pain where it does nothing but destroy you - in a way, i have seen the art of distinguishing that. May the pain I am feeling right now pass by quick and I know by doing these, it's a step closer... Until tomorrow it will hurt less, and then a lot less, until one day, i will reach a place where remembering everything that happened wont hurt me anymore.
Please take care of Nishi. I have no idea where she is right now, but please, please keep her safe. If we really are, indeed, meant to be, i'll just leave it all in your hands, and not on me anymore. Hindi na ako aasa. Ikaw na bahala, Lord. As for now, I'm gonna have to move on. You know the reasons why, and I know you'll understand. I love her. And as I cross the timeline of saying i love her to i loved her, may it not be a road of bitterness, but of understanding, that maybe we are not just meant to be. I cannot say that it doesnt hurt because it does hurt, but your plan is bigger than the two of us. So, Lord, I let it be. Just please bless her, take care of her, please send people to remind her not to skip meals, and not to oversleep. Send people to tell her that she's pretty and her lips are hot. Have people remind her to always choose to be happy, that there is more to life than what she think it is. Please send her someone who will make her happy more than I did... For her hapiness, is also my hapiness.
I have nothing else, lord, to say, but thank you.
for all that has been,
and for that will be,
may it be according to your plan.
May it be for the best.
I may not always understand what your perfect will demand
But i have to trust you in this, Lord.
Amen.
-i am not begging for sympathy or pity or whatever you may misinterpret this. If you don't know me, I am posting this because this is the way I deal with things, writing is how I figure things out and publishing them in notes and blogs is my way of 'setting them free' and reach wherever they may...especially the bitter feelings, because I dont want them rotting in my sheets. If you're interpreting this as otherwise, it's not my problem anymore. Thank you.
