Dear God.
How are you? I hope you're fine. Well, let's cut the crap, shall we?
For the past semester I wouldnt say I'm as faithful as you want me to be. Let's just say I'm lacking prayers. When I'm late for my class I just pass by your chapel and wink at you. I know, God, I look like a jerk. Walk by the chapel, sign of the cross, and then, wink? Who am I to do that? the Pope? Brad Pitt? my God. Seems like the only days I hang out in the chapel more are the days when we have Pharma tests. Yes, I pass by sometimes to say Thank You for me doing good, and rant most of the time when the test is bad. And probably forget you the rest of the week. The bottom line is, I'm an ass. And I'm sorry.
Tonight, God, I am once again afraid. And there is no better way i know of expressing it than writing this. I tried watching movies, talking to friends, watching TV, playing computer, but it seems like it just can't get off my head. I am hoping that after this, you'll tuck me in to bed with a peace of mind, with all the positivity in the Universe, and when I wake up, hear Good News...
Because tomorrow, a judgment is coming down upon us. From a distance, I'm kind of silly of thinking about this, because my grades are relatively better that my frist year in Med, but still, it's the wait that kills me. It's the paranoia that kills me. It's this fear that keeps me up all night. I really really want to sleep. I'd rather break up with her many many times than bear this post-semestral blues. At least in a break-up, I'm more used to it. .. But tomorrow, the grades for Surgery and Anesthesiology will be submitted to the office.
Lord, I know , I put a significant amount of effort on it kahit papano. I have this gut feeling that I will pass. I have written it on post-its, on my Vision Board, on every chamber of my heart. on my every sulci and gyri of my mind. That I will pass... But for this moment, I want to tell you that I'm afaid.That I'm gullible. I'm scared, God, I really am.
Oh my God (no, that's not an expression), all I ask, in the next hours, that the board bring Good News.
Amen.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
Sunday 25 October 2009
this drought
this dry spell is taking it's toll on me. a lot of people are always asking me about it, but i keep on saying a variety of answers or excuses why not. so what's my answer anyway to that?
my most common excuse?
"i'm just too busy studying to think about her"
busy? bullshit.
it's funny when exams week end. specially after for almost a month long exams. when it all end, you'll fin yourself thinking the other day, "uhm, may dapat ba akong basahin?", "ano nga bang exam bukas?", "may dapat bang tapusin?" it's the post-exams syndrome. now i have so much time to catch up. so much to think over.
for a constant stimuli to be slammed on you everyday, even after it stopped, you'll feel like it's still there. so, let's go back to the drought. the dry spell. it's been quite. uhmm. oh. my god. i can't recall. since my last relationship. probably a year since a pseudo one. and the next thing closest to that would be a poke from someone in facebook, or a silly smile not intended for me by my crush/es. those stuff really means nothing but i'm forced to think that it's something so that ill feel a little bit kilig. crap. pathetic. it's not that i'm totally zero for the past years, but, there's just no one consistent. no one repetition. no fireworks or chuvachuchu moments. so this is how a pizza tastes like without the toppings. it's all the cheeze and the crust and no thrill in it at all. for the past months, all were just appetizers or side dishes in this stupid game.
there were times that new one's are just coming right in front of me... but in those instances, find myself uninterested anymore to this game. it's becoming boring. monotonous. no challenge. or maybe it's just that i have curved my standards to a certain extent that the "ideal girl" suddenly just becomes just that: an idea. and that it's just never real. this drought sucks. but i have no choice. i have no right to complain. and yes, it may sound so hypocritical, but i chose this status. and it's not showing any symptom of changing my status at facebook from single to in a relationship with blablabla. no, i am not self pitying. no i am not sourgraping. i'm just stating my observations. i'm merely interpolating what happened in the past with the present, now i can more or less the this future picture. it's just plain simple truth. and the truth hurts.
but then again, because of this drought... of this ridiculous peer pressure... of society's expectations, i have learned to love myself more than ever before. i suppose it's defense mechanism. you dont love anyone romantically = no one loves you = so, you'll just... self stimulate... err.. love yourself. I have learned to appreciate how i appreciate life. I have learned how to love myself that i loved myself too much, and yes, it just follows, that you love yoursef, and the world will fall in love with you. I have learned to get over my insecurities and insert humor with it. i had more time for myself. my family. my friends. my brods. and myself again. see? i love myself too much.
so whenever this drought will come to an end, im sure i'd gladly move on from this dry to the wet phase (no pun intended) and still keep what i've learned from this drought.
She was right. not just one, but almost all of my exes were right.
I still have a lot to learn.
there's so much of life ahead. and so much things to learn.and when the time comes for the next. or the next, or the next next...
i will then have found what i've been looking for. whatever that is.
and i will.
my most common excuse?
"i'm just too busy studying to think about her"
busy? bullshit.
it's funny when exams week end. specially after for almost a month long exams. when it all end, you'll fin yourself thinking the other day, "uhm, may dapat ba akong basahin?", "ano nga bang exam bukas?", "may dapat bang tapusin?" it's the post-exams syndrome. now i have so much time to catch up. so much to think over.
for a constant stimuli to be slammed on you everyday, even after it stopped, you'll feel like it's still there. so, let's go back to the drought. the dry spell. it's been quite. uhmm. oh. my god. i can't recall. since my last relationship. probably a year since a pseudo one. and the next thing closest to that would be a poke from someone in facebook, or a silly smile not intended for me by my crush/es. those stuff really means nothing but i'm forced to think that it's something so that ill feel a little bit kilig. crap. pathetic. it's not that i'm totally zero for the past years, but, there's just no one consistent. no one repetition. no fireworks or chuvachuchu moments. so this is how a pizza tastes like without the toppings. it's all the cheeze and the crust and no thrill in it at all. for the past months, all were just appetizers or side dishes in this stupid game.
there were times that new one's are just coming right in front of me... but in those instances, find myself uninterested anymore to this game. it's becoming boring. monotonous. no challenge. or maybe it's just that i have curved my standards to a certain extent that the "ideal girl" suddenly just becomes just that: an idea. and that it's just never real. this drought sucks. but i have no choice. i have no right to complain. and yes, it may sound so hypocritical, but i chose this status. and it's not showing any symptom of changing my status at facebook from single to in a relationship with blablabla. no, i am not self pitying. no i am not sourgraping. i'm just stating my observations. i'm merely interpolating what happened in the past with the present, now i can more or less the this future picture. it's just plain simple truth. and the truth hurts.
but then again, because of this drought... of this ridiculous peer pressure... of society's expectations, i have learned to love myself more than ever before. i suppose it's defense mechanism. you dont love anyone romantically = no one loves you = so, you'll just... self stimulate... err.. love yourself. I have learned to appreciate how i appreciate life. I have learned how to love myself that i loved myself too much, and yes, it just follows, that you love yoursef, and the world will fall in love with you. I have learned to get over my insecurities and insert humor with it. i had more time for myself. my family. my friends. my brods. and myself again. see? i love myself too much.
so whenever this drought will come to an end, im sure i'd gladly move on from this dry to the wet phase (no pun intended) and still keep what i've learned from this drought.
She was right. not just one, but almost all of my exes were right.
I still have a lot to learn.
there's so much of life ahead. and so much things to learn.and when the time comes for the next. or the next, or the next next...
i will then have found what i've been looking for. whatever that is.
and i will.
Sunday 11 October 2009
may pagooutingan na ba ang barkada mo this sembreak?
may pagooutingan na ba ang Barkada o Pamilya nyo ngayong sembreak?
narinig niyo na ba ang POTIPOT Island sa Candelaria, Zambales? sinasabi nilang malinis, mas maganda though non-commercialized version ng Puerto at parang Boracay yung sand minus the crowd and the establishments
gusto nyo bang mag-enjoy at the same time makatulong sa tuition ko susunod na sem?
akala niyo ba joke to? akala nyo ba spam to? Hindi.
Follow this link:
http://beachousenidok.multiply.com/journal/item/1/Potipot_Island_Candelaria_Zambales
I can give you discounts if you ask (nicely)
nagenjoy ka na. nakatulong ka pa.
narinig niyo na ba ang POTIPOT Island sa Candelaria, Zambales? sinasabi nilang malinis, mas maganda though non-commercialized version ng Puerto at parang Boracay yung sand minus the crowd and the establishments
gusto nyo bang mag-enjoy at the same time makatulong sa tuition ko susunod na sem?
akala niyo ba joke to? akala nyo ba spam to? Hindi.
Follow this link:
http://beachousenidok.multiply.com/journal/item/1/Potipot_Island_Candelaria_Zambales
I can give you discounts if you ask (nicely)
nagenjoy ka na. nakatulong ka pa.
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