it's kicking in

two weeks of my second first year in med. and except for Micro, everything going quite well... i liked my Physio Subsec, i like the people of Section C 2012, im still in good communication with my "old med friends", and "college friends", i jokingly call them that right now, and wherever i go, i feel like a candidate for the student council or whatever because people, brods, sisses, professors, techincians, security guards, tindera sa harap ng OPD wards are waving/saying hi to me wherever i go. i got that "charisma" from my dad, i guess.

the second years are starting to have a hard time right now. it's funny how much we complained during the first shift of the first year, realizing that it is the easiest shift of all our shifting here in the Medical Magical Marvelous stay here in Medschool.

Anyways, back to my "Old Friends" (hahaha), theyre starting to go around the wards. I said to myself, "that's OK, karl, hindi ka maiinggit." Shadi told me that it's not that exciting naman daw,a lot of info to ask, so, uhuh. And section C is extracting blood from each other, "Oh God. Gusto kong gawin yun. Clin Path.", but we irregulars started to formulate a plan to take Clin Path next sem (hope it works! 2 units dun yun!) Sec B just had a Patho test, i heard Kalads got high grades, good for them. but, the thing the got me soo green with envy was their subject named: (drumroll...!)

SURGERY.

OMFG. May Surgery na sila at inggit na inggit na ingiiiiiiit ako. I saw Hazel's and Geli's Pics of them Scrubbing in, and wow. I want to feel my hands being washed by some special chemical just to be covered by some gloves, and i want to feel the Grey's Anatomy rush, i want to feel like im in my Holy Grail. My Sanctuary. My Happy Place.

So it's kicking in. Maybe i looked at Hazel's Album for 20 minutes, and Geli's Album too for that long. Though i didnt become that emotional.(oh yes, there's a big chance that i should have, it's that a BIG DEAL for me), i just staaared at them. and nainggit for 20 minutes.

I just said to myself, "dadating din naman ako diyan diba?" like what i always say, "In God's time.

In God's Perfect time."

keep moving forward

last night, i sent a quote to my friends. the typical send-to-all-Globe-friends-text before i sleep. Last night's quote was from Senator Clinton, she said

every moment spent on looking back, keeps us from moving forward.

i didn't absorb that quote that much before i sent it. basta ko lang sinend. unli eh. then, 12 hours after, i went on with my day. I woke up 8AM. and my classes start by...8AM. 2 hours , one tricycle, one FX ride later, i was having a 5 item quiz about microbes.

matching type! it'd be better kung Chinese Characters nalang yung nasa left side, at Latin letters sa right side. kasi parang ganun lang din yung test. nag-random diffusion-lukso-ng-dugo-with-isang-HailMary ako habang nagtetest, pero, nasa "Blessed are you amongst women" part palang ako nang sabi nilang "PASS YOU PAPERS" Jesus Christ. Are you forsaking me...again?

and then Physio take 2. It sucked. It brought back memories. and it reminded me on how i hated that subject last year. (just like any other subject, actually.) During that 4-Hour Season Premiere of the Physio Department, i was just silent. (well, by silent, i mean, not as jolly as the usual me. but i still talked naman. imma die if i didnt for 4 hours <yes, i talk while sleeping>.) And Doc Tim told me that im setting a bad example by coming in late for his lecture. (Sorry naman po, Doc)

At around 6PM, my friends who just had a Pharma Quiz texted me, iinom daw. Me, Moogie, Pia, Dhanna, Rej and Al had a hindi-naman-basagang-inuman sa The Pit.
 
Maybe Pia noticed (this is not Pae, my sister, but my classmate which i also consider a sister) noticed that i was pretty sad, hiding behind my stupid jokes and smirks. So Emo. Sooo Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance. while my friends were ranting about pharma. i was just on auto-pilot-talking-mode, and at the back of my mind, my superego was saying, "dapat nagpapharma ka na sana ngayon. kaw kasi eh" -- at sabi ko sa utak ko, "taenamo super-ego manahimik ka"

and... upon going home. while the jeepney was banging his sound system playing jologs songs on his loud loud stereo, while i was thinking on what my superego told me... a text message came in.

it was the exact message, may post script lang na dinagdag. it was from Pia Galicia.

every moment spent on looking back, keeps us from moving forward.

she just sent it back to me. and i needed it. and it hit me.

and i went home smiling.

pakyu, superego!


God is so Cool.

Dazed for 3 Years

Exactly 3 Years ago, i was on a High, High Place. It was my Days with the Lord. the 54th batch. And just 2 weeks ago, it was already the 67th.

No Dazer ever had and idea how great of an experience the Days experience will be.But after it, almost everyone who's over with Days, just want to bring back their Days moments.

Last batch, i asked ate Carms what couldve happened to her kung wala yung Days? She said she probably wouldnt be in Med. And i asked myself the same question too, What if di ako nag Days?

hmm... 2/3 of the people in college, i met them through Days. Special mention syempre sila Amai, Ate Chel, Dorx, Nae, Tin, Kim, Amil, Kukoi, Gracie, Nae,  -- basta madami.

and even though im already a graduate of Science, i still got to know more people like Ayeen, Lianne, Mia, Hayz, Yla, Geli, Abi, -- wag magtampo ang di ko nabanggit. random lang to. :P

When I had a major breakup (i was a Senior Bio Student back then), i was in a dark dark place. Then Laverne invited me to be a staff. (though, nagkalat tlga ako nung pagstaff ko nun. Sorry Stephen and Kris), it took me back on my Days-high. That great feeling of Love and fulfillment i never felt on any Org before. I remembered how great my Days experience was from then on, i never missed to visit a batch.

When i entered Med, my life turned into a whirlwind. I was in shock. and i know, i bear a little lot more heart/family/emotional/ACADEMIC/self -baggage than an average med student carries. that was my freakin cross. And i noticed one thing: Whenever I go to a Days Weekend, something bad happens. After Batch 63, my Shifting Grades came out. After Bacth 64, i had another private shit happening. After Batch 65, i was sick, had no-sleep nights, and was about to give up. After Batch 66 (exactly 3 hours after), Mitch and I formally said goodbye. (although everybody knows na maraming aftermath after that)

and i asked myself: is Days, cursed? bakit nalang pag pupunta ako ng Days, lagi akong nagkakaproblema?

then it hit me: Why not turn it the other way around?  Hindi kaya, pag nagkakaproblema ako, saka nagkaka Days? hmmm. and when i thought about it on the car while driving back to Xavier, i was pretty much in tears. (yeah, so gay, i know.) Because God put it in such a way, that he has to build up a strong emotional foundation first inside me before a storm brews in. Like what Paulo Coelho said, "When I fall, i want to fall from a High Place."

now. after Batch 66, something came up. really bad. and i cant imagine myself how worse will i be now, if there wasnt a Days before that. i've fallen from a high place again. but im not dead, because God built a cushion to catch me from that fall.

my words are so limited on describing how my Days and Commitment went by because we are sworn to secrecy. like what they said, "what happens in Days, stays in Days." But evey Dazer knows what im talking about....

every dazer knows how it feels to be so looved by soo many. that there's a love that's been with us all our lives, we just dont have time to take a while and appreciate that never ending love

every sponsor knows how it feels to get that smile from her candidate and thanking them for all the efforts the sponsor had made to make his or her Days special

every staffer knows how it feels that after the end of the weekend, there's a big sigh of releif, and then you miss your co-staffers , and Heads, and Boss, and your work.

every Giver knows how it feels when their candidate commits to a lifetime for Him. that their shout, means the fulfillment of the Night for them.


I'm a proud Dazer for 3 fucking years now. the 4th Day really is a big challenge.I may not be that religious-priest-like-holy-man-too that is all pefect and all holy.

but, i know for a fact, that i wouldnt be standing here, as strong as i am now, without Days.
i know that.
a lot of people knows that.
and He knows that.


i may not be the nicest guy. yeah, i drink, and i curse a lot, and i bitch a lot about my life. some people may say im a hypocrite to talk about my Faith and be bitter a few blogs after. but i know, that beyond my cursing mouth, and my bitter heart, and my corrupted mind, and alcohol-filtering liver, -- that i know, im not a bad guy either. mayabang siguro pero hindi masama.and i know that there's a flicker of Faith, and Hope, and Love that is keeping me going, and keeping me alive, and giving me reason why i have to live the most out of this life.

3 Years. 13 batches. 9 full and half sponsorings. 1 staffing. 11 Shouts.
and we've only just begun.

+BIL! Tanggap lang ng Tanggap!

home alone 2

last holy week, i was left home alone and my family went to Zambs.

and just minutes ago, they just left again. this time, i don't even have a maid with me.

i will pass all my remedial exams.

there's this void and eerie creepy silence in the house that i actually got used to.magkukulong ako dito sa bahay at mag-aaral.

let's do this Lord.

growl growl. haha. tiger power.

2011.

after ng next week, magwawala na ako. kaladkaran kung kaladkaran. inuman hanggang madaling araw hanggang umaga at di na uuwi. pupunta ako kung saan saan at ipapagpag ko ang mga dugo ng puso kong nag clot na at punong puno na ng intrinsic at extrinsic factors.

itaga sa bato. ipapasa ko muna to.

/hindi ako nagyayabang. kinukundisyon ko lang utak ko. at inaaply ang law of attraction. good thoughts, good results.


Let's do this, Lord. Basta Ikaw!

song playlist.. and random thoughts, and random flashbacks

if i am to delete all songs that depict love and bitterness on my mp3 playlist, i just realized that i'll just be deleting almost every song in the folder. might as well just press, "ctrl+a" and "del."

i mean, all that will just be left are the DWTL songs and Soulja Boy (na di ko naman maintindihan ang lyrics.)

--

what would happen if the world existed without rules in relationships? no cheaters. no liars. no obscenity. no courtship. seriously, if the world was built as anything-goes, screw-anyone, love-anyone, kiss-anyone,. would it be a better world? lesser heartaches i guess. better world? i dont know.

what would happen if the world existed without rules in relationships? i guess there would be no relationships at all.

--

if you ask any kid what they want to be when they grow up. and it will instantly come true tomorrow. there would be a surplus of doctors, lawyers, and basketball players.

but if you asked me during the third grade what i wanted to be? i wanted to be a farmer.
during the second grade, i wanted to be a carpenter.
4th grade, a computer engineer.

then, dad exposed me to the world of circumcision. operation tule. i was looking at bloody penises for days. and for free. and the patients get free antibiotics.

still, i wanted to be a computer engineer.

then great things started to happen. (maybe ill elaborate it on my next blogs). then i realized, damn it, this is what i want to to with my life. not just circumcize penises... i want to change lives.  in the best way i can.

grade 6. my dad asked me what i wanted to be. i said "doctor"
he asked why.
i said, a lot of people looked at him with such respect and love and coolness, and i realized, what if you're gone? who will be the next coolest guy in town? i wanted it to be me.

(it's not the exact transcript, of course, but you get the picture)

my dad always wanted to have a doctor na anak. my mum always wanted to have a flight attendant.

but mom, im not happy with serving coffee, tea, or water and crackers on a plane.
and dad, youre just so cool. so, cmon. to medschool.

--



before i graduated hs. our teacher, ms dael (now mrs grandea), had us write an essay about our future. i wrote the best damn essay i can write. the best way i can leave hs.

her reaction? "edejer, magaling ka pala magsulat." at feeling ko sa loob loob niya, ("akala ko gago ka lang")

but from then on, every time i visited LSQC, she always follows up on what ive written. together with everyone else actually.

--

moving on is hard.
especially if you're the only one moving on.
especially if you don't want to move on.
especially if you have no choice but to move on.

--

my sister just graduated hs. next year, all 4 of us are in college, and ako na supposed to be kumikita na sana ay nagpapakabihasa pa rin at nagpapatustos sa mundo ng medisina. ang bilis ng panahon. dati nene pa si pae. ngayun, awww. i love her.

--

this week and the next, i am going to ask the help of all the Gods, heavens, friends,  guardian angels, humans, animals, cadavers, jesus christ, frank netter, mama mary, angel michael, heath ledger, pope john paul, anna nicole smith, gregor mendell, barack obama "yes we can" (ay buhay pa pala siya) and of course, Mama Ying, and Uncle Lindo, and Lolo Centing, and Papa Ben, and Tatay Pitong and Stephen Go pa pala, to send me all the spirits and all the luck in the universe, and the world in between, for me to pass the Remedial exams.


funny how a 2-hour exam. or one mistake., in shading maybe. can mean one year of medical torture. but i believe i will pass them. just like lucas believes in the comet, just like the faith as big as the mustard seed. i will pass all of them. every single fucking one of them.

--

faith. it's the only one i hold to. held on to. and will be holding on.

like what mam joyce said, ill fight a good fight, finish the race. and keep the faith.

keep. the. faith.

+bstaikawlord

Reminiscing 4bio1

a lot of people's been posting their grad and baca pics. i saw pics of my friends (most from dwtl) graduating, and i can't help myself but reminisce our time.



haay. can't believe it's been a year. not a full academic year actually, hindi pa naman kasi tapos tlga ang first year med. and god knows what i've been through and will be goin through.

last year, i told boom during baccalaureate mass, "pare, in 4 years, tayo na yang mga Medical Clerks jan"... When they called out "Medicine and Surgery", nagtalunan ang mga med students, nagwawala, at napakasaya nilang lahat. Kinilabutan kami. sobra. sa hirap ba naman ng pinagdaanan nila, pag ako nga yun, maiiyak pa tlga ako.

(my candle, and the clerks in front of me)

day by day, step by step, we get nearer to our graduation. haha. people reading this may be laughing cause i look too far. we haven't even tasted pharmacology yet, and pathology, we haven't experienced 100 hours shifts yet. heck i have to pass my own set of remedial exams. but each day in med, each step in med, the little successes and failures, and triumphs of passing, and enjoying the company of your subsec, each page we photocopy, and memorize, and forget, and memorize again... every single one of them, make us closer and closer to our freakin dream. to the two most important letters in the alphabet attached to our names: MD. God i just love writing it:

Karl Erjon M. Edejer, MD

thoracocardiovascular surgeon
or
orthopaedic surgeon

or
spinal surgeon
or simply,
a doctor who changed people's lives.

(oh my god, oooh my god, just had an orgasm, kidding. haha)


so that's it. reminiscing is over.  like the old song goes, "what has life to offer me when i grow old?" im getting old, i know. at this stage, i should be earning my own money. and pinapang-inom namin galing pa rin sa bulsa ng mga parents namin. shees. but... we chose to be in school forever. we chose to dedicate our lives, especially "prime of our lives" to science, to medicine, to people, to curing diseases, to the freakin humankind. instead of me hooking up with a hot chic at a hot bar somewhere using my hot car, and my hot moves (ayun. haha), and waking up at someone else's room, i chose the harder way, i chose not to sleep at night, staying at wendy's with a friend reading samplexes the whole night. instead of watching a movie, finishing Scrubs 1-5, One Tree Hill, and the rest, I watched Dra Lumitao dissect the brain, over, and over, and over again, until every word she says sink into my dreams. instead of sleeping with someone, i'm not sleeping at all. instead of going places, visiting different countries, "soul searching", and all that spiritual fantasies i'd like to embark, i chose finding myself and my soul into diseases, chemical equations, and in the faces of sick people.

so what has life to offer me? offer us? i don't know. god is a power tripper. but here's what i know. he has a plan. i mean, he better have one or else. we're not burning ourselves alive for nothing, right? he has a plan. for you, for me. we may not always understand why these are happening. someday i'll get to understand why she doesnt wanna work it out. i'll get to understand why am i facing all these crap... someday i'll understand why this, or that, or those. sometimes, i get confused, sometimes, i get tired.

but then, all i have to do is go back to last year's version of me.

Holding a candle of hope,
watching the nice fireworks,
singing the UST Hymn,
under the light of the Main Building.

We were full of hopes. Me, Jhun, Moogie, Geli, Boom, Dhanna, Austin, Camel, Jas, Victor, Chester, Corie, Greg, Kristine, Ricky, Ampi, Nica, Ron, Paula, Rej, Mags, Nikki, Ris, Gayle, Abi, Ayra, Sasa, Kris, Mare, Pare, Ciara, and Jane. (hope i didnt forget someone. haha)

We have a saying in bio before: Onwards 2007. Onwards 2011.

the first half of the statement was done last year. the next one is in the making.
Onwards 2011.

(didn't get a decent pic for the whole class. haha. i was just so busy roaming around takin pics with my other college friends. haha)

wwhy do you think there's hope?
why do you think there's such a saying
that there is light at the end of the tunnel?
it is for the simple fact. that there is.

there is a plan behind

we may not know why,
or how our stories are written.
but someday we will understand.
we only have to trust Him.

there is a plan.
a story.
a plot.
We wrote it. We and Him.

it will all be clear.
it's all just a matter or time.

God Always Sends Saviors

im having a hard time right now.. probably more problems a typical med student can have. believe me, you don't wanna know. no, i didnt get someone pregnant. but it is bad. real shitty bad. atleast that's what i thought 10 minutes ago.

no one knows about this. no one has seen the whole picture. one knows a piece, and another one knows another side, and some are just kept inside me. mostly internal battles. my demons crawling back at me to make me weak.

by 1AM after too much thinking of too much things... i started to give up. and pitied myself. right here. seated in from of the monitor while im trying to cheer myself up by watching a funny downloaded movie... movie is not working. i stopped it.

and then i just stopped. and thought hard. and lost hope.
and didnt know what to do anymore.
fear ate me, and scared me, and consumed me.
i gave up. and broke down. and lost.

and suddenly...

someone texted me,

"The strongest people have the worst problems,
The worst trials,
The worst situations.
It is not because God wants them to suffer.
But it is because God trusts them so much...
He gave them something he knows he can overcome"

wow.

i've heard this all before, i even said these words before, but it never hit me this way before.

what is the probability that a random send-to-all message will arrive while you're staring at your cellphone, contemplating, bitching, self-pitying, and just seconds after you gave up hope... and that message will appear?

i know this is just one of his Send-to-all messages to his Globe list,
but I believe it was God who sent that message in the right timing, and place.
I believe he sent that to save me.
Like what he always does,
like what he just did,
like what he will always do.

In every (*everydwtlpipolknowswhatimtalkingabout) night, i usually give this exact example to them.(*andyouknowwhothat'them'is)


i mean this exact example.
but it never occured to me, until tonight.
thank you, Lord.

God always send saviors.

it is not a question of "to whom does God speak?," but "who Listens?"

to my Friend, Jay-ar Dominguez, you may always send an average of a thousand text messages everyday, but this time, your message made sense. thank you for that. ndi nako nagreply dahil overwhelmed nako sa nangyari. you may not be aware of this, but God has made you an instrument to Save me. Thanks for that, dude

Ang galing ni God. +BIL

the bottomless dose of tests

Last Thursday to This Week's Wednesday = Shifting Exams
Thursday = Ethics Shifting, Biochem Lam Exam, SCOFYL Integrated Case Test
Friday = Short Quiz: Skin
Monday = Physiology Endocrine Quiz
Tuesday = Anatomy? Short Quiz
Wednesday = Biochem Quiz

it never ends baby. yesterday, Doc Someone-I-Keep-Forgetting-His-Name taught how eyebags are made. A lot of side stories in the Anatomy of the eye. Everyone's bored as usual and i was *almost? caught sleeping. It's funny how sleep becomes more and more treasured by the Shifting. Last June or July, everyone rushes to The Pit and Drink after Hell Weeks or Exams, now, more or less, people just go home immediately and theyd rather sleep... and then study again.

anyways, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"

+bil

"i'm dead?"

he woke up. he realized he was detached from all the earthly realities. from the traffic. the exams. the naggers. the debts.

it was dark. gloomy... and sad.

"i'm dead?" he asked.

no one replied. all he heard was an echo of his own voice.

and then, he realized,  he could fly.

so, he flew as fast as he can until the wind triggered his glands to jerk some tears.

and he saw a light. and came upon it. and then, he saw Him.

"uhmm, Im dead?", he asked

"Yes, son, you didn't wake up today. Like Rico Yan, dude"

"But, I don't want it yet"

"I'm afraid half your conscience wished for it. And sometimes you wished you'd never wake up again. So here it is." God said.

"Damn. so, where am I? is this heaven?"

"not yet. before going there, we still have something to talk about"

"what is it?"

"follow me"

then God walked through what looked like an iMax theatre, playing a life on the 8-storey high screen. the life seemed so real. he can even touch it, and feel it, and smell it. and he doesnt have to wear the 3D glasses like what they do in SM.

the scenes were familiar. it was on first person point of view. there was a FLASH

and a baby was crying. for the first time receiving  tiny photons of light in his tiny little eyes. gooey placental fluid on his limbs. and the smiling faces of his tita, then his dad... hours later, her mom awake. and he heard them say, "he's soo worth it" then FLASH

a 4year old boy was holding a basketball playing with his younger 3 year-old brother. he banged the ball to his glasses. and his brother cried. and he hugged him. and they played again together and then, FLASH

he was at the hospital. waiting in the room with this two brothers and a lot of relatives. and his auntie came inside the room. "it's a girl", she said, "finally. and we'll name her, Pia"... and everybody was happy, finally, a girl. then FLASH

he was going to school. they were using the ambulance to bring him to school. he asked his dad to drop him where nobody could see him. "why son? are you ashamed of an ambulance bringing you to school? are you ashamed of me?".. and he said, "Yes." then FLASH

he cornered her on a dimly lit part of the school. it was lunch break. they hid beside the dark hallway of the second floor. and then they kissed. it was his first kiss. then FLASH

he was playing in the basketball championships. then FLASH he was playing another one a year later. he both lost to it... then FLASH

together with 190+ students, they were singing their graduation song.. then FLASH he entered college, then FLASH he was dissecting a frog then FLASH he passed BioLab then FLASH

sitting at Alpadi Antipolo, hearing the songs of his life, reading his life-long letters and some love letters. he just made a commitment that changed his life. and he breathed in all the gratitude, the blessings, the life that surrounded him... and then FLASH

the two of them were on the beach... under the starry sky, and the pink clouds, the bright moon, the cold breeze of wind, and the pounding of the waves, they kissed. and a forever later... FLASH

he was defending their thesis FLASH he graduated FLASH he entered medschool FLASH the Friday Nights at DWTL, the two chairs, one candle, one blindfold, one cross and one shout.. and FLASH

and God paused it. "Quite a life you got there, Kid"

"Wow. Never thought i've been through all that"

"And you served your purpose well."

"I guess so. I've had a lot of friends. a lot of people. a lot of lives i met. 'we are all part of eveyone we meet', that's what my highschool teacher told me"

"I told her to tell you." and God paused, and went back,"So here's what will I say to you, Son" he said, in a slightly loudened voice.

and the iMax theatre vanished. out came all the angels of the Heavens, and all the departed souls gathered around, smiling on Him, his departed relatives nearest to him, there came the clear blue sky, and the pure white clouds, and the Golden gate of Heaven.

He was Home with God. He was One with God. and God said...

"My dear, beloved, son. Would you like to continue your life on Earth? or would you like to come Home with Me?"

he looked around. and thought. and thought for a while, the whole congregation of Heaven waiting for him, and he said...

"It's a good life, Lord. and thank you for giving me a great life...

...but still, there's still a lot for me to be. I am still going to be a doctor...
i want to save lives, make people happy, cure them, inspire them,
i want to feel the warmth of the blood that will save anothers',
i want to hold a freshly born baby out of the mother's womb. full of joy, full of gratitude, full of life
i want to feel the priceles Thank Yous like what my Dad always receives. The respect, the dignity, and the name he put a mark on the hearts of many.
i still have to pass Biochem, Neuro and all the other subjects life has to offer.
i want to cheer my Subsec every event we have.
i want to share my stories to my Higschool friends, and treat them if time will come.
i want to see my siblings and cousins graduate, and see our lives to success
i still want to watch the sunsets at Zambales
and i want to Love my family more, cause i've always been proud of them.

and i want to Love. to Love till it hurts. to Love till it hurts more. and to Love till it hurts no more

i am still to find the Girl with the Same Hearbeat as Mine. the same S1 and S2 sound of course without S3 and S4, loudest at the 5th Left intercostal space.

i am still to discover the great potential this 140+ IQ can do.
I am still to discover Who I Really Am.

and when I'm done with all of that, then I know you'll be prouder"

God smiled. And gave him a hug. "Very well, son. I'll send you back. Don't worry, I'll never leave you, i cannot leave you, i will always send you angels... Basta Ikaw"

then the whole of Heaven's entourage were cheering on him. Clapping their hands, smiling at him... and the angels surrounded him, so did his departed relatives. and all he felt was nothing but pure Joy, Truth, and Love. and a deep warm feeling of gratitude...

and then it was January 3, 7 AM,
he was late for his NeuroAnatomy Lecture...

and Karl Erjon Edejer woke up with a start.

...these i give.

in this holy ground,
we're standing on holy ground
for the Lord is here
and where He is, is holy


I don't always understand
what your perfect will demand
but i learned to trust you more
in your prescence, Lord


look at all my trials and tribulations
sinking in a gentle pool of wine
don't disturb me now,
i can see the answers
till this morning
is this evening,
life is fine


and when the times get tough
and the world simply falls apart
i'll come back to you.


+BIL

its always hard to say goodbye

"you're leaving?" he asked

"yup. im sorry" she replied back

"that sucks. merely 2 weeks?"

"2 weeks. but one of your longest 2 weeks, am i right?"

"hell yeah. ive been to Days 64, Played monster rancher till death, surfed the net till morning, played chaos legion, went to zambales, slept for an average of 10 hours a day, went to austin's, to pier one, to a wedding, to olongapo."

"looks like we did have fun, karl"

"i guess so. though it didnt went as planned. like go to EK, and Tagaytay and Greg's Punta Fuego. but well, i know i had fun. i needed you. i deserved you for god's sake. i longed for you since august... and so... here we are. bidding goodbyes. damn it, im gonna miss you"

"well. that's the way it is. until next year i spose?"

"it'll be another year next year. and i wont be the same, i guess"

"its ok. i wont be the same either. different digit on my last, different dates, and you better hope i become longer... and with a lot more suprises. and i hope i can bring along new adventures for you."

"thanks. you really mean a lot to me. and i really hate to see you go. the next time ill be opening my eyes again after i sleep, the first thing that im going to see is my Physio handouts, and Biochem. and god. we have a quiz. on our first day. crap...

...the moment you leave. the moment our eyes part, and you set off to somewhere i dont know... the moment we bid each other goodbye, i have to force myself to forget what we had"

"you dont have to forget me, karl. that's what memories are for. the problem with you is you cling too much to the memory that you forget that there's a present that you are in, and a future you are about to face,"

"i know. and honestly, im scared. scared to death. because when you leave, my demons are here to haunt me back. my 67 and idunno-what 2nd shift grade is back to put the pressure. neuroana, histo, epid, biochem, physiology, ana will be back, bringing along new friends with them: prev med and ethics. life will again be a matter of B-65 and 75 and computing and re-computing and catching up...

...i have to love another again. but the thing is, i love you, you know that? you're just so easy to love. effortless and pressure-free. carefree and inexpensive. i couldve chosen you among them all... but i have to move on."

"i know. its ok. im used to that. i only come to you once a year. and i give you everything your tired body and spirit and soul ever needed. and that's my purpose. that's why im called semestral break. just a break. a break from all that has been and for you to recharge and give you strength for all that you will be facing...

..,yes, you have to move on, karl. you have no choice. you have no choice but to love the one after me. dont worry, i wont get jealous. and ill be back, i promise, next year, ill be back, and i know you'll be needing me again."

"oh god. so, goodbye sembreak?"

"yeah. goodbye karl"

"until next year. dapat may boracay na jan sa events ah"

"dude, its your call, or maybe summer.haha. hey, stay strong, study well, and like what you always say, do it out of ---"

"--do it out of Love."

and there she went. doing what she had been doing ever since his education had begun: leaving after giving a well, well deserved rest. she was smiling. for she saw how much karl had changed since last year. and she saw how he needed her this bad this year. and she realized that there will be only two visits left. one on second year medschool, and one on third year. no sembreaks on clerkship.

and there, karl closed the door. he cant believe its over. seemed like yesterday he found out that he passed psych and felt the full enjoyment of the sembreak. but now, he'll be again embracing handouts and gripping highlighters under the romantic light of the study table. and then he realized, he missed medschool after all. he missed the pressure, the english speaking people, and the cadavers...

in less than 36 hours, he'll be back to being a zombie again.
in less than 36 hours, he'll accept that fact. whether he likes it our not.


/end

<edit> another schizo entry, i know. haha. </edit>

just like my days

ten batches.
6 sponsorings.
1 staffing.
9/10 batches attended. 
8 givings.
10+ people recruited
4 senas attended
2/3 of the people i met in college came from these "kulto" kuno


all because of One Weekend I took 10 batches ago.
because of one shout, one commitment
one call from above.

my Days with The Lord

the life-changing weekend.

god. its been ten batches. wow. ten batches. that time i didnt know who kris rea is. or mami olive, or emai, or chris ramirez, or enrico, or penn or chudz, or carlo. and it was a long long ride.

a lot has happened. everything changed. from a guy whose problem was just his lovelife to someone who has a larger-than-life dream with matters more complicated than just relationships and a student's life being governed by an unending quest for numbers just to pass.

life has been a lot complicated. before i just know that the large intestine has a duodenum, jejenun and an ileum. now, there are  parts of the duodenum pala, and not to mention its detailed structure that varies every layer for every part. my prayers before were just, 'sana hindi umulan' or 'sana madagdagan na allowance ko'.. now its like "god, let me pass psych". "give me a sign"."how am i supposed to gather this sum of money?"

life has been a lot complicated. but then, i had been a lot simpler. it became easier to make me smile. before it would take a big fat ass joke to make me laugh. but now, even a baby saying "gagu" este "mama" will sometimes make my day. before i was wishing for a kick-ass beautiful girlfriend. i had it before. but i never was contented. but now, even though i dont have a girlfriend, anjan naman si Lord... yuck ang baduy. pero, in a way, totoo naman. ever since days i talk to him always. and he talks back in different ways. minsan minumura ko siya, minsan natutuwa ako sa kanya. my relationship with Him is really something im proud of.

before, id panic for a short quiz, but now, even though i have biochem exams coming in the next  hours, one sip of coffee would calm me down as i feel in the warmness out of the cold hard headed night. well, but that doesnt mean my grades are better. wahaha

as life was getting harder. my approach for it was getting simpler and simpler, until it comes down to one single solution. one single essential thing to answer the freakin complicated puzzle of the 4th day.

LOVE

if i love what im doing, studying wont be a burden.
i love days thats why even though i dont have a car this weekend, i still tried my best to go on the three days.
if i love serving people, it  wouldnt be a burden for me to wake up early in the morning just to participate in medical missions which we dont get paid for.

like one song in days said, "love is the answer, to all our questions."

god it was hard for me to fathom that song before. but right now, its just so simple and pure and is just around. had always been just around. that all i need to face the world, is a little love in my heart.

and i know that that would be enough to move mountains, make me fly, and heck, make me pass Psychiatry.

so... ten batches.  2 years since the commitment, since i doubt, wept, trusted, and now, live.

i always come back to my Days. to the clouded skies of antipolo, the cold breeze of alpadi air, the sweet longanisa i had on the sunday breakfast, the songs iv heard on the second night, the feel of fresh rain on the first night. the gentle song of day by day, i just close my eyes and remember them like it was just happening again right in front of me. everything was so perfect, so good, so high. and after that, everything seems to be alright again...

days with the lord: an experience you wont forget, a decision you wont regret.

"and when the times get tough. and the world simply falls apart
ill come back to you, and let each tear i cry
wash away the fear i have inside
just like my days, my days with you oh Lord."+bil

first break of light.

"and we'll watch the stars go by
and we'll count the stars that shines at night
and together we'll watch the first break of light"

+bil