Valentine's

(written 1week before Vday)

He was at Dangwa. And He was drowning in a sea of flowers.

 

Of Red and white and pink and yellow and wet and moist overpriced flowers just for the sake of one overrated day. Where women become goddesses counting roses and petals and cards while they float with the cheesy balloons. Where men spend their money on expensively packaged flowers and food and wear red, and hope that at the end of the night, they get lucky. One overrated day when opportunistic establishments horde everything they can suck out of everyone’s emotional pockets…

 

…while the rest of the world becomes bitter. The one who will sleep the night out or wonder on the next year’s or the next next or the next next next… because the whole day is just rubbed in their face: that they’re single.

My mom went to Dangwa yesterday and joined her as she buys her annual obligatory offering to the Our Lady of Lourdes in our baranggay in Zambales. And it dawned on me again: Vday is back.

 

 

Fortunately, this year, someone out there started to say to me ‘I Love You’ back. I checked many times if I was just hallucinating or imagining stuff but the last time I checked: she’s real and she’s human and she’s in the right physiologic mind to say those words to me.  So Im not gonna worry on crumbling and crawling my way to sleep and just let this day pass and hope that next year would be better. This year, that ‘someone’ is not imaginary anymore. And part of me still can’t believe it.

 

But unfortunately… God plays another irony. She doesn’t like Valentine’s. She doesn’t celebrate it. I told her na ako naman magpplano at wala kang dapat gawin. Ayaw parin. “e kung puntahan kita sa bahay o sa work?”, reply nya, “basta wag kang mag suot ng Red. At bawal ang surprise. At ayoko ng roses.” – oh Jesus Christ. She doesn’t like roses? I don’t get that – but then again, either way, I can’t maximize Vday cause Ill be out of the country the first half of the day and she’ll probably be stuck at work or still in a faraway place – bottom line is:

 

I’d still be sleeping the Vnight off. Again. Not that I’m bitter or anything but it’s just funny how God plays an irony sometimes.  You wait for someone special for a special V Day but she doesn’t like V day at all. Haha. But then again, who am I to complain? Im having a Love Story to die for. <3

 

It’s amazing how someone who’s once a stranger suddenly meant the whole world to you. For years I’ve been partly bitter of the fact why does the world have to celebrate the peak of chuva-chuchu hormones – during that time I have all the reasons to complain because I’m watching from afar. And it’s just rubbed in my damn face that I might as well be just contented with self stimulation.

 

So as I get through this year’s Feb14 with a happy heart, there’s a part of that heart still goes for the ones whose hearts are still alone but still keeps on believing. To the ones who would courageously walk along Dangwa even though without a special someone but still clinging on that, ‘may-araw-din-ako’ belief. To the people who are happy for their friends, and still hoping that one day, they will be too. To the ones who got hurt, but kept that Faith. To the ones that understand that Love is not just BF-GF but also, mother and child, friend to friend, brod to brod – they understand that Love comes in many ways.

 

And yes, this also goes for the ones who are bitter. To the heartbroken ones. To all the NBSBs and NGSBs. To Priests and Nuns who are not allowed by God to Love others aside from Him (That’s kinda posessive, Lord. Im just saying). To Kris Aquino and her very public sex life. To every single soul who haven’t met their half yet –

 

Everyone has a Love Story in store for them.

One that will knock them off their feet.

The story where that they will tell their friends, and kids, and grand kids. 

Everyone has a Love Story to tell or about to be told.

All they have to do, is to Believe.

 

 

As for me, after a long time, I can finally put the two words beside each other:

 

Happy Valentine’s

contemplating

there goes my shot.

God? Thanks for nothing.

usap puso

Nakakatawa pag puso ang pinaguusapan. Nagpakasal si Mariel Rodriguez kay Robin Padilla kahit under 6 months palang silang naglalampungan. Si Kris Aquino minahal parin si James Yap kahit walang tigil na nakikipagkangkangan ang asawa niya sa kung sino sino – at chismis ng faci namin sa Surgery, may nabuntis pa daw siyang Med Student ng UST. Shhh. Nagpapakatangang mag-agawan si Jacob at Edward sa di naman kagandahang si Bella. Libo libong barko ang pinakawalan para lang iligtas si Helen ng Troy. At si Romeo at Juliet ay nagpakamatay - Kasi akala nung isa, patay na yung isa kaya nagpakamatay na siya, paggising nung isa, nagulat siya kasi nagpakamatay yung mahal niya dahil akala niya na patay na siya… kaya, nagpakamatay nga talaga siya. Magsama silang magyakapan sa impyerno.

Kung ikaw siguro ay pinapanood lang sila from a distance na walang emotional involvement, malamang isa lang masasabi mo sa kanila: ang tatanga nilang lahat.

Pero mas nakakatawang isipin kung ikaw na ang nasa kwento. Kung ikaw na ang pinagtaksilan ng asawa mo sa isang receptionist dahil lang buntis ka at di mo mabigay ang mga makamundong pagnanasa nya. Na binabalikan mo yung syota mong nakipaghalikan sa iba at pinatawad mo kasi nga naman ‘lasing daw sya’. Pano kung ikaw na yung nasa kwento? Ikaw na ang nagchichicken dance dahil nakakakilig yung text nung nilalandi mo.  Na di ka mapakali kakagulong sa kama mo kasi hindi pa siya nagrereply. Na nagpapakamartir ka sa isang taong may pinili nang iba pero anjan ka pa rin kahit mukha kang tanga pero di mo kasi marealize na ampangit pangit mo kaya di ka nya magustuhan. Yung di ka kakain ng 3 linggo para lang sa isang araw na date. Di ka magaaral sa Exam mo sa Radiology kinabukasan dahil sa dami ng iniisip mo… maiisip mo, ‘oo nga no, isa na ako sa mga tangang yun.’ At maiisip mong, hindi naman pala katangahan yun.

Siguro naman lahat ng tao merong kanya kanyang katangahan pag usapang puso. Merong nakakatawa. Merong nakakasuka. Merong parang gago. Merong cute. Merong ayaw mo nang pakinggan o balikan. Bakit nga ba hindi makapagisip ng maayos ang tao pag rumaragasa ang kulay reglang 4 letter word na yan? Aminin mo, to some degree, merong kang nagawang katangahan o mukhang tanga. Dahil sa pag-ibig. At para sakin, wala tayong karapatan mangkutya ng kahit sino dahil sa mga desisyon na palibhasa salungat sa paniniwala mo na ay tatawagin mo nang 'mali'

Shet. Pag-ibig daw. Nakakatawa rin naman kasi isipin, na people really do crazy things out of it. Ang facebook ay nabuo dahil sa pagkabasted kay Zuckerberg. Tinawid ni Richard Gutierrez and Ondoy Flood para lang maligtas si Cristine Reyes (teka, magsyota ba sila nun?),  si Ogie Diaz ay may asawa’t anak kahit bakla parin siya – bakit nga ba? Bakit nawawala tayo sa tamang ulirat at tamang dahilan kung nalasing na tayo ng Endorphines ng Love? Bakit tayo pumapayag masaktan? Bakit tayo naghihintay?  Bakit bumebenta ang flowers sa Dangwa? Bakit naging box office ang My Amnesia Girl? Bakit tayo natutulog ng nakangiti pag alam nating natutulog din ng nakangiti yung mahal mo dahil sayo? Bakit merong abot langit ang ngiti dahil lang tinext siya ng ‘oo’ ng nililigawan nya? Bakit ganto ang PU********G PAGIBIG?

Syempre hindi ko yan masasagot. Dahil tanungin mo ang isandaang tao kung bakit ganito ay isang daang magkakaibang sagot lang ang makukuha mo. Iba ang isasagot ng Doktor, iba ang isasagot ng pokpok, ng manikurista, ng pilosopo at iba ang isasagot ni Kris Aquino. Dahil wala talagang maayos na sagot kung bakit nagpapakatanga, nagpapakabaliw, nagpapakasasa, at nagpapakalasing ang mga tao dahil sa mga bagay na may kinalaman sa puso. At kung meron man, hindi makukuntento ang mga tao sa sagot na yon. Sabi ko nga sa dati kong blog, ‘Love has reasons that even reason can’t explain’

Siguro ang pinakamagandang gawin nalang ay magkaroon tayo ng mga kaibigang nasa labas para makita ang mga hindi natin nakikita, na sasalo sa atin kung sakaling ma out of balance ka sa kabaliwan mo. Na ienjoy ang mabuting pakiramdam na tinatawag ng mga kabataan na ‘kilig kilig’ o ‘chuvachuchu’ at gamitin ito para sa ikabubuti mo (tulad ng mainspire sa pag-aaral, pagiging mabuting mamamayan ng bansa, pagbabawas ng sungit, matutong magipon ng pera, maging mabuting tao) At kung sa tingin mo’y masakit na, tanungin mo sa sarili mo kung tama pa bang ipaglaban o dapat nang ipahinga. Kung dapat bang ituloy pa ang pantasya o magising ka na.

 

Pero sigurado akong pag nabihag ang puso nyo. Yung tipong baliw baliw baliiiw inlove -

– hindi nyo rin susundin ang payo ng kahit sino. :p

 

the comet

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.

 

He stood in magnificence of something so beautiful, and delicate, and fragile

He longed to have it and Love it the best way he can. That not knowing how long it will be there is not reason why the Love should be limited. That if ever it will be gone, he can thoroughly say that he Loved without any inhibition, or doubt, or fear. He just Loved.

 

he waited his entire life for it to come to him. for it to make him whole.

To make him happy.

To make all the words he weaved to be god damn worth it. 

To make him believe

 

 

It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning, Hope, and Faith, and unexplainable Joy.

 

There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. He became a cynic, a non believer, became bitter, and numb. Sometimes he shunned away. Many times, he got tired.

 

But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him,

 

That his world would be whole again...

 

And his belief

 

in God

and Love

and Art

 

would be re-awakened in his heart. 

when the patient is someone you know

Death brought me here tonight. 72 hours postmortem, I went back to my province to pay my last respects to him.

 

This is the case of my Uncle, a 54 year old, Filipino, Merchant Marine who had Adenocarcinoma of the Lungs and Metastasized to his Brain.

 

For a Medical student, it is a case stage 4 cancer with poor prognosis. The most aggressive surgical, chemo, and radiation treatment can only extend his stay for a few months but the quality of life will also be compromised. Then there will shoot a myriad of symptoms here and there indicating the dysfunction of other organs as well. Lesser urine output, sensory and motor deficits, weight loss, and the one I’m most dreaded to see: Pain.

 

But for a Nephew, it is a case of prayer brigades and clinging to all hopes, wishing this to be an exemption. Wishing that for this time, this case would be the statistical discrepancy of Clin Epid. For this time, God may pull out a Miracle. The same feeling was with me when another Uncle passed away due to several masses on his Liver. Here’s the thing: when you live as a man of science, you live with the cold facts. But when your emotions get involved, you deny even if the tumor is as big as your face, you get angry at the realization of it. You look out and try for alternative methods. Bargain and Haggle with God a lot. And become more than willing to roll the dice to recovery no matter how slim the chance is.

 

My Uncle had been bravely battling cancer for the past year. You won’t notice it until you know. And the falling hair and mega dose of chemo and radiation initially didn’t weaken him. Muntik pa nga siyang makipag-away sa truck driver nung namalengke kami. Actually nakipag-away na kasi binato na niya ng saging yung gago.

 

But like what one song says, ‘even the best fall down sometimes.’ December came and he was not the jolly and strong uncle we used to know. He stayed at our place for a few minutes, and he can’t even walk. When they were trying hard to make him lie on the sofa, our eyes met. And amidst the pain and difficulty of breathing he was feeling, he smiled at me. As if he was the same strong uncle whom I always pick up in the airport when he visits us, the same uncle who always jokes around me, who always tell me stories of his fights during his youth. That uncle who always pat me in the back and says, “Bilisan mo maging doctor ha?”

 

His smile to me that day was the last time we had eye contact. I nodded at him and smiled back. And we smiled at each other. There was no need for words or lovey dovey background music and dramatic speech for me to tell him that I care for him so much, and for him to tell me that he’ll be OK. All we had was that a-less-than-a-minute-eye contact. And that memory is something for me to keep for as long as I’ll live.

 

The last 10 days, my Dad infused Kabiven on him to keep meet all his nutritional requirements thru IV to keep him alive. Me and sibs were asked to check on it from time to time, then my grandmother asked me a very simple question: why are you still keeping him alive? Why can't you just let him cross over without artificial nutrition?

True that there really is no hope for that case, but as Physicians, we would still want to prolong life, right? But what if prolonging life means prolonging agony? What if the pain meds are good, thur removing the agony, but, still, not improving prognosis? The patient might be on a downward spiral, but because of the doctors, puts it on slow motion? But what will Ethics say if we don’t? Will stopping it be called Euthanasia? Will continuing it be called torture? Problem with ethics is the black or white of it. There is no blacker or whiter. For me, neither medicine nor relationships can be defined in black and white.Real life only comes in shades of grey. So we just did what we have to do, and let spend his remaining days in the least painful way possible.

 

Now as I write this, I can say he is in a better place right now. I am not fishing for Condolences or Sympathy. Maybe saying a little prayer for him right now would help. I am doing this for it is my way of immortalizing him.

 

maybe this could be A Eulogy to this Uncle of mine who looked into the eye of Cancer and spat on its face,

 

too bad, Cancer fought back.

 

He battled it, It humbled him, and now, he is in peace.

 

 

 

 

This is Dedicated to my Uncle, German Ebilane Garcia. May he Rest in Peace.

 

(No Condolences, please. Thank you)

X and Y

Karl and Karl (Part 5 or 6? of the Schizo Series)

 

 

They were at the cemetery. Looking at one grave: their own.

 

Two men are standing beside each other, staring down at the name. Him, and Him, looking at the grave, under a stone. Both of the same age and soul... It was cloudy and gloomy. The time when this happened was undefined, and didn’t matter. All they know is that they’re in a place, where the book will be finally closed. Where everything will be buried altogether.

 

The 2 men looked the same. Same posture, same hair, same voice, both had the same career, both successful, and the same set of friends, same school, same hospital where they worked – they only differed in one thing:

 

The first one believed in Love. And the other, did not.

 

For convenience, let’s call the believer, X. And the non believer, Y.

 

For a long time, they were just staring at the stone. And finally, X, asked, “Who do you think is buried there? A believer or a non believer? You or me?

 

Y said, “It depends on who he chose to be”

 

X replied, “I hope it’s me. A believer”

 

Y “what makes you damn think he will? We are well aware of his haywired emotions, right? What makes you think that after it all, he will still choose to believe?”

 

X raised his voice, “Why do you find it so hard to believe?”

 

Y asked back, “Why do you find it so easy?”

 

X “What makes you think it is you on that grave? To live like you is miserable”

 

Y  “Living like me is easy. You live without expectations. Women come and go as they please. I throw parties whenever I want. Get laid all I want. And the next day, I start with a clean now slate. No commitments. No crying baby to wake me up.”

 

X smiled, and pleads his case, “I never said living like me is easy. I live with a lot of expectations from my wife, my family. Women tempt me, but I have to turn down even if she’s a porn star. I throw parties, but my families have to be in it, and it has to end by 12. I get laid, maybe, but with only one woman. The next day, I continue everything. There is no reset button. For a crying baby will soon wake me up.”

 

Y shook his head with an arrogant smile and said simply, “you’re a fucking, boring Man”

 

X smiled back and said, “you’re a boring, fucking man…

 

…but you know what? I believed in the greatest thing God wanted me to do, I loved. I tried to find it so many times, and many times have I failed, and got hurt. There were times when I thought my decision to believe was wrong, but, in retrospect, when I saw the bigger picture, I know, it was worth it. I have someone worth living for. And smiling for. And dying for. And I’m happy. How about you? Are you happy?”

 

Y, unfazed, said with conviction, “I am happy. Because the heart isn’t everything. Look at people’s decisions when love is involved? They’re screw up. They lose objectivity. They throw away security. Remove logic. They give in to the high that is all just hormones. In my world, everything is black and white. I do calculated risks. I roll the dice with confidence. I am Happy.”

 

Y looked at X, as he is about to slap big words on him… “And the best thing about not believing?”

“What?” X looked back at him

 

“…I am pure from bitter phases and spared from the pain of a heart break…

 

…I never got hurt.”

 

 

 

The two stopped talking. Part of X thought about the pains he had, and questioned if it really is worth believing. Likewise, part of Y thought about what could it be to feel loved… to feel appreciated and treated more than just a One Night Stand. The thing with choices and decisions, is that, after we’ve chosen, there comes a time where we’ll wonder what else will happen if we chose the other one.

 

 

And it started to rain. But they still stood there, looking at the stone where there was just nothing but a name. It didn’t say if he believed or did not.

 

No case was settled on that day. After all, if one person has proven that he is the better one, it is still up to the one on the grave if he will choose to be what he will be. And as the two men walk away, their journeys end.

 

 

It is still up to him.

 

---

There are times we make choices, we juggle X from Y

I am not in the position to dictate to anyone what to choose.

All I hope for, is that, if people finally choose,they’ll be happy, and stand firm on that decision.

between the stars and waves

It’s been a while since I saw stars. Stars with streaks of clouds and not smoke. Been a while since I lied down sloppily in the cold sand as I heard the waves clapping beside me. The cold chill of Zambales air without a disturbing breeze.  No internet connection. No Medical books in hand. No quizzes to worry about tomorrow. No responsibilities. No alcohol. No underwear (just kidding). Pure bliss. I’m glad to be home.

 

How many blogs have I written about this setting? In this spot as I type this, I realized I’ve been writing stuff about the sunset and seas since Highschool. I remember this is the first scene of our Novel way back in Third Year English class – the sunset.  I remember drunk blogs inspired by drunk nights. Thisis the ground where I sweat, I bled, I dreamt, and wept and Got Drunk and got laid . Where I thought of Weddings and Proposal settings, Thesis Projects and Epid Reasearches, or just a simple candle lit date – most of these thoughts, fantasized when I’m alone here. And ‘alone here’ is 90% of the time. The other 10% are with guys, and most of the time, with alcohol.

 

 

I’m kind of tired of being alone. Really. (mind you, I’m slashing Pride points from me as I write this) I crave for a really good relationship since it’s been a long time since that good one, but most of the time, I worry my standards are too out of my league. But on the other hand, I don’t want to settle for a runner up. Wow, ang kapal ng mukha kong sabihin to parang napakagwapo ko ah. In tagalog logic – Gusto ko ng Caviar (tama ba spelling?!) na may kung ano anong kasabay ng high class na wine pero masyado ata yun masarap para sakin at wala yatang ganun sa Pilipinas, pero ayoko naman na porke di ko makuha yun, kakain nalang ako ng chicken skin na tigsasampung piso at kasabay ng Cossack vodka. Yuck. Ayoko ng pampalipas gutom lang.

 

Another analogy. It’s like going to the Moon versus going to Bulacan. I want to go to the moon, but it’s logically impossible. But I don’t want to sidetrip to Bulacan just to compensate for not going to the moon because no matter how many times I go to Bulacan, going to the moon once will beat it all. So, where does that leave me? A big question mark filled with lonely nights and could have beens and love stories that will only remain fantasy. We sometimes ask for someone of high value but we have to look at the mirror and ask if we are of high value, ourselves.

 

 

But I am not writing this to nail myself on the coffin of loneliness and crap. I’m not going to put an end to that story that until now, I believe God has written for me (And God, if you’re reading this, kill me now if you don’t have a story for me, damn it.) I’m not asking for a goddess or a fairy or a supermodel or a princess or an Angel on Lingerie. Kung yun lang, I might as well just wish for Mama Mary, Julia Roberts in Peter Pan the Movie, or a Victoria’s Secret chick, but no. Simple lang naman, just someone presentable and smart. Ayan nanaman tayo sa ‘standards.’ The ironic thing is, we set out standards, but once when we get hit of the spell, the standards are thrown out the window and we’re left wondering how we fell into it.

 

 

Throughout the course of history we have seen so many people go to wars because of love, got killed because of love, and live because of that 4 letter word. So many movies and songs and plays and books and poems and stories because of love. And I have told so many people that we are Born to Love, therefore, it would be ironic if it will be me who can’t even swallow my own pill. So… I cannot be that hypocrite. I must always believe. Sometimes the belief flickers, or gets questioned – but eventually I get  around it, and will get around it, strengthening the belief more than ever.

 

The belief in that promise of that one day, in between the stars and waves where I sit right now, would be a great setting for something special.

 

Something worth keeping. Something worth remembering.

 

And from where I am right now, we’d jump to the moon, and beyond.

 

To a place where reason can’t reason out.

 

Because love has reasons that even reason cannot explain.