between the stars and waves

It’s been a while since I saw stars. Stars with streaks of clouds and not smoke. Been a while since I lied down sloppily in the cold sand as I heard the waves clapping beside me. The cold chill of Zambales air without a disturbing breeze.  No internet connection. No Medical books in hand. No quizzes to worry about tomorrow. No responsibilities. No alcohol. No underwear (just kidding). Pure bliss. I’m glad to be home.

 

How many blogs have I written about this setting? In this spot as I type this, I realized I’ve been writing stuff about the sunset and seas since Highschool. I remember this is the first scene of our Novel way back in Third Year English class – the sunset.  I remember drunk blogs inspired by drunk nights. Thisis the ground where I sweat, I bled, I dreamt, and wept and Got Drunk and got laid . Where I thought of Weddings and Proposal settings, Thesis Projects and Epid Reasearches, or just a simple candle lit date – most of these thoughts, fantasized when I’m alone here. And ‘alone here’ is 90% of the time. The other 10% are with guys, and most of the time, with alcohol.

 

 

I’m kind of tired of being alone. Really. (mind you, I’m slashing Pride points from me as I write this) I crave for a really good relationship since it’s been a long time since that good one, but most of the time, I worry my standards are too out of my league. But on the other hand, I don’t want to settle for a runner up. Wow, ang kapal ng mukha kong sabihin to parang napakagwapo ko ah. In tagalog logic – Gusto ko ng Caviar (tama ba spelling?!) na may kung ano anong kasabay ng high class na wine pero masyado ata yun masarap para sakin at wala yatang ganun sa Pilipinas, pero ayoko naman na porke di ko makuha yun, kakain nalang ako ng chicken skin na tigsasampung piso at kasabay ng Cossack vodka. Yuck. Ayoko ng pampalipas gutom lang.

 

Another analogy. It’s like going to the Moon versus going to Bulacan. I want to go to the moon, but it’s logically impossible. But I don’t want to sidetrip to Bulacan just to compensate for not going to the moon because no matter how many times I go to Bulacan, going to the moon once will beat it all. So, where does that leave me? A big question mark filled with lonely nights and could have beens and love stories that will only remain fantasy. We sometimes ask for someone of high value but we have to look at the mirror and ask if we are of high value, ourselves.

 

 

But I am not writing this to nail myself on the coffin of loneliness and crap. I’m not going to put an end to that story that until now, I believe God has written for me (And God, if you’re reading this, kill me now if you don’t have a story for me, damn it.) I’m not asking for a goddess or a fairy or a supermodel or a princess or an Angel on Lingerie. Kung yun lang, I might as well just wish for Mama Mary, Julia Roberts in Peter Pan the Movie, or a Victoria’s Secret chick, but no. Simple lang naman, just someone presentable and smart. Ayan nanaman tayo sa ‘standards.’ The ironic thing is, we set out standards, but once when we get hit of the spell, the standards are thrown out the window and we’re left wondering how we fell into it.

 

 

Throughout the course of history we have seen so many people go to wars because of love, got killed because of love, and live because of that 4 letter word. So many movies and songs and plays and books and poems and stories because of love. And I have told so many people that we are Born to Love, therefore, it would be ironic if it will be me who can’t even swallow my own pill. So… I cannot be that hypocrite. I must always believe. Sometimes the belief flickers, or gets questioned – but eventually I get  around it, and will get around it, strengthening the belief more than ever.

 

The belief in that promise of that one day, in between the stars and waves where I sit right now, would be a great setting for something special.

 

Something worth keeping. Something worth remembering.

 

And from where I am right now, we’d jump to the moon, and beyond.

 

To a place where reason can’t reason out.

 

Because love has reasons that even reason cannot explain.