If I should one day have a son

If One day I will have a son, i would have him enter the world, in a slow motion the-matrix style manner. he will be like Neo for he will be the one. he could even wear shades for all i care. Whether he'll go out from her mother through a birth canal or through her abdomen, whether against his will or not, whether term or preterm, i want the first moment when my eyes meet his eyes, my skin touches his, when my lips kisses his delicate, moist body, i want that scene to be spit into milliseconds and further milliseconds more. I will have every single gasp, and grimace, and movement, recorded and not a single thing missed.

 

I would tell him that that it's okay to cry because that will be the best indication that he is filling his lungs with air. 

I would tell him that it's ok to clench his fist, that means his muscle is toned good and coordinated

I would tell him to shout all he can, because that means he wants to be heard, to be welcomed, to be understood... That he needs something

I would tell him it's okay to sleep for 18 hours or even 20 hours a day if he want, as long as he would promise to wake up the next day.

I would tell him to smile on contact as early as the first month not just because the doctors suggests so, but because our world becomes colored and more complete and vibrant and draws a smile on me and her mom, too, just for a simple reflex smile.

 

I would have him perfect

And damaged

And sweet

And bitter

And brave

And scared

And everything

And something

And nothing

Whatever circumstance life may require of him

 

I will set him loose to the world and he could do everything he wants, as long as he own up to his actions and stand by it. To stand by repercussions and consequences. To savor the good things, and control the bad. I'd tell him it's ok to make a few little screw ups in this life, but heck, don't abuse that privilege.

 

I will tell him to be careful with breaking hearts, and take care of his heart as well. I'd remind him that girls are fragile and complicated and gives you a bunch of headaches and not to mention erections, but all the more you should love them, for in that labyrinth of trying to figure them out, of trying to reason out that it doesn't matter if her dress is blue or red, of bending pride and mumbling apologies, one day, you will see beyond that. And you will become a better man after.

 

I will tell him, "Son, She will make you feel something that even alcohol and basketball can't give you, she will make you  choose between her and your friends, or brods, or family or tv shows, and it's okay if you don't choose her. But it's also okay to choose her, as well. Whatever you decide, because you know what? I know you wont listen to my advise anyway, even to ur mom, and to your friends, and even to yourself - if you get hurt, it's okay. In case that happens, I will make a stash of wine in our living room, and i hope you figure out one day that i left it open for you. Break it in case of a heart emergency. Or better yet, run to me. tell me about it, son, i won't scold you, maybe ill laugh at you for a while, but hey, the drink is on me anyway. And yes, I wont tell your mom what we talked about. But please don't expect me to fix things up for you, no, i wont do that, i can only suggest and strongly suggest and forcefully suggest to you, but then again it's your call. Its your heart and penis anyway.

 

My son, I will tell him,  the world out there is harsh on you, and you will be prone to infections and discrimination..

It will be not okay to cry, for it then be called weakness.

I will not be okay to clench your fist because it will be called anger, or if you're unlucky, will be called rebellion.

It will not be ok to shout and have a say, because you will ruffle sensitive feathers no matter whose side you will take on. Even of you take none. 

It will not be okay to sleep because you will miss out something that needs doing, theres always that something that needs to be done.

 

But dont let them them convince you, cause otherwise, they will. 

 

But in case of bad days and rainy days and gloomy nights and drunk early mornings at the end of it all, you can always scoot beside me and your mom in our bed, we'd lie beside you. On both sides. No mater how big you will be. Or how bad alcohol smells on you. Our hug will be powerful enough to shut the world... And there will only be us, three.

 

You can cry, 

clench your first,

say all you can, 

Or we could just sleep 

-whatever you want, my little boy, you are home.

 

There may be times, my son, that you will shout a me, 'buhay ko to' and all that stupid lines you watch on tv ('akala mo lang wala pero meron meron meron'), but always remind yourself that we dont do this just because half your chromosomes are from my testicles, and not because i spent a lot for your goddamn guitar lessons, basketball lessons, different workshops, gym membership, school and clubs and shit and not expect a return of investment - it is because of the simple fact that I Love You (yes i got that one from Vilma Santos)

 

...maybe we're stepping in your world probably more than you want us to be... I understand. But hear me out just this time... Son, it was because when you were born, the world was in slow motion, and all the world was you., you entered the universe and we let you into our world with warm hands and teary eyes, in that moment i remember it's as if im on that room again, the smell of the operating room, the sound of your cry, and slipperiness of your skin, and you... at that moment... you were just everything we have, full of life, full of hope, and full of promises, full of tears. In that very moment, we cried with you. 

 

Perhaps we're stepping in your world more than you want us to be... For that, im sorry. We just cant accept the fact that one day, we have to step away from it.

 

If this is you, son, one day  reading this... If ever I didn't live up to your expectations, i am sorry. But from this sorry, at least know now what not to do. Don't idolize me too much that you'll even copy my mistakes. 

 

Write your own book, make your own path, tell your own story.

 

Remember, son, You are better than me.

You must fucking be.

 

 

(this is inspired from Sarah Kaye's "B" / "If I should have a daughter", one of the best works ive ever seen)

You

He watched her walk into the aisle of glorious music and slow motion scenery and smiles like the sun that glared the whole room






He looks at Her and He melts.






Finally, he held her hand, look at her eyes, and said






"You.






You are the reason why every other girl didn't work out.






They didn't work out because they all gave way for You...






for You and I"














and then, Karl Edejer woke up.

been hacked? or virused?

check my multiply today and friends who were my friends before were inviting me back... meaning, i deleted them? weird. and there's one friend who messaged me "tol, virus yang minessage mo sakin"... and i sent a message daw na "look at you in this video"...

nu ba yan. facebook may virus. pati ba naman multiply. boooo

and so, I write.

This should be a familiar place, for ive been here far too many times that I don't need to acclimatize to the cold and emptiness... and I don't need no assistance what chair to sit on, as if it's been waiting for me to come back all this time... this couch where I sat through years, as I've woven words. I sit here, inhale, and exhale, inhale, and exhale, and little by little, im letting it sink in...






maybe God has a better plan. maybe Feng Sui says otherwise. maybe this is just a test, or just some 'cleansing' to dust it all off so that we'd be smooth sailing right after. All i know, is that I got hurt. Again. And I stared and the screen for a full 5minutes and sighed before I write these words... I mean, again?






Lately it's been really hard to process my thoughts. For sure I know that I did my part in this relationship. I adjusted and bended all I can. I knew I'm up for a ride, but still, i signed up for it. For the thought that I knew it was worth it... But as days go by, it gets blurrier, and blurrier. It gets tougher and tougher and a lot of factors are coming into play.Family. Friends. Feng Sui. Deception. Lies. Regrets. Promises. Emotions. Self. Pride. Complexity. Apologies. Silence. Paranoia. All is sinking in except for logic. And i'm just stuck staring at it all as each of it delivers a blow on me.






And all i'm left for tonight is a prayer...






That Lord, I know, one day, I'm going to see this better. Lord, give me patience. Lord, please take care of her. Lord, give me faith, that one day, I will all be damn better. I'm not going to ask you why is this happening, or if I deserve what's happening. I'm not going to rant why. Because you'll probably tell me that this is what I asked for. But, Lord, why are you making it hard for me? for us? Im sure i'll get my answers soon, but for now, Lord, please be with me. Please. This is unlike any other pain i've had. It's numbing and it's making me crazy. It's debilitating and is something that is hard for me to comprehend. Someday, I will, but Lord, it will only be through your help that I will get there.






Someday, I will understand. Someday, I'll smile at this and see how different I'm dealing these tough times compared to before, and Somehow, I'm proud. Maybe this is one of those lessons I'll get. Someday, things will fall into place. Someday, but maybe not today.






Let's hope tomorrow will be better.

Silver

It wasn't Love at First Sight.



She rejected him many times. And she had a litany reasons why.



But he was a warrior. And he always loved a challenge. Some people sees his confidence as arrogance, including Her, but for me, it's a thirst. A thirst for a Love Story that you will one day tell your kids, and grandkids as your eyes shine with pride how he got through hell for the girl of her dreams.



And after years of courting. While riding on a Bus for Kuya Jed's birthday, She finally said Yes to him. If this happened today, Taylor Swift would probably be singing in the background, singing "It's a Love Story baby just say, Yes"



It wasn't Love at first sight.



But with a megadose of perseverance, confidence/arrogance, and sincerity, stilll, it turned out to beLove.

And it was all that mattered.



...



Twenty Five Years ago, My Dad, a Medical Student, married my Mom, a Bank Teller. You can tell by looking at their wedding pictures that they were so Happy. That they were madly, deeply, in Love. Like Robin and Mariel. Like Ogie and Regine. Like Brad and Angelina. Like Shrek and Fiona. Like Ninoy and Corie. Like Karl and Nishi. Although they're not smiling on the wedding pic behind me as I write this. (Why do most old couples don't smile at their wedding pics. anyway?) when you stare a little longer at their pic, you'll know that they were made to Love each other... But at the same time, looking at it some more, you can also read fear, slightly sneaking in their eyes, scared of the road ahead, you can see a cloth of uncertainty hiding inside their pockets, and a cloud of question marks and exclamation points and ellipses wrapped around them.



What they didn't know back then, was He was going to be one of the Best Anesthesiologists and Pain Management Pioneer in the country, and She will be one of the Top Managers of BPI. He gets to earn from his Surgeries, and She gets to keep all his money. They didn't know that together they'll be treading through a road of the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. That there will be Diabetes, Fatty Livers, and Hypertension. That there will be Promotions, Graduations, and Celebrations. That there will be Fights, Misunderstandings and Tempations. They have no idea of what God has in store for them, all they knew, and what they held on to, was that they were in Love. And it was all that mattered.



...



I can imagine how my Dad's smile looked like when he was waiting for Mom to walk the aisle. For those who haven't met Dad yet, his smile is contagious. His warmth is enough for you to sit through an entire winter when you're with him. Perhaps I got my people-person attitude from him. And maybe the confidence/arrogance. And the passion. And the drive. And the Heart. I wonder how he felt that day. Was he scared? Did he cry? Was he drunk that night? Did he plan to make a JohnnLoyd exit like in 'my amnesia girl?'



I can imagine how beautiful my Mom was when she was walking the aisle. She looooves attention. She doesnt admit it but she always want to be noticed. Perhaps I got my KSP attitude from her. Also the emo-ness. And the hardworking gene. And the charisma. And the Heart - oh Yes, I said I got it from my Dad. Why? Because they have the same heart. -



But I'm not done with Mom yet. I can imagine how she was walking down the aisle with whatever emo-song playing in the air. How gracefully she'd walk while everybody stares at her doll face. No caesarian sections yet, her ovaries still up and fresh, her body still sexy. Inside her uterus, is a 14wkAOG Incredibly Awesome Baby whom they will soon name, Karl.



In front of God, and the Church, and the Family, and the Town, and the Universe, They promised each to be with each other. To have and to hold, in good times and bad, through sickness and in health. For richer or poorer, till death do they part.



And then, they were One.





...



Now... After 25 years, they are to renew their vows. They'll say it with a lot more meaning, for they've already tested what they said. Through sickness. Through poorer. Through bad times. Through Blood and Shit and Bitches and Bullies and Failures and Fire.



They are to look back on that day, when they said 'I do', and be glad that they did. and still do. and will do.



They will smile at the fear they probably felt back then and pour it with the gratitude theyre feeling now.



They will look back on their pictures, and see how much they've changed. More than just the grey hairs and facial lines, but on how deeper the stories their eyes can tell right now. And how profound the wisdom they can pass to you by just holding your hand.





Now, after 25 years. He doesnt care that he's already the Kick Ass Doctor, and She is now the most hardworking Banker. They already have reached their dreams from themselves. But today, it doesnt matter to them.



Because all they knew,

and what they hold on to,

is that they are

and will forever be

in Love.



That He got Her

and She got Him



And that is all that matters.

a year ago today

One year ago, a guy pushed me to the boundary of life and afterlife by putting a gun in front of head. In that instant, pushing the trigger would mean crossing over from 'here' and 'not here.' In exchange for a China Phone. For a stupid Dual Sim China Phone. With TV.

 

I was that close to crossing the line between a 23 year old medical student about to take his Final Bout in Pharma, to a 23 year old who had a Gunshot Wound straight into his skull, Dead on Arrival. Everything in between, would also be scary. Could be sub-lethal injury, or psychologic trauma, or just the sound of a goddamn gun shooting in the air would make me weak on my knees.

 

We had eye contact for a good 3 seconds. His eyes was shouting anger but still calm and so professional as if he did this for a living. Well yes, he probably does. His voice commanding and disarming, as if his mouth spits bullets that made us mute and paralyzed. It was so weird to feel that a total stranger would suddenly have total control of your life. That that gun was oozing with fear, shooting straight into my eyes. That, if this is the end of one's life, what the hell did I live for? ...Pharma? 

 

So we gave him what they want without a fight. I've always thought that if that day comes, I would definitely fight back... but when an actual lethal weapon is point blank screaming at you, thirsty of money, power, and bursting with greed - you actually have no choice but quench it's thirst and feed him what he wants. He probably got his boundary that night from the Five of us...

 

Maybe he sold those so that he can send his son to school, or feed his twelve kids, or pay for her wife's hospital bills. maybe he's doing it for fun. for the drive. for the power. for the infusion of fear into an unsuspecting victim's eyes. for the rush. either way, he's doing it wrong. and someday, I wish he gets to feel what he made us feel that day. What he makes people feel every single day. How they change the lives of people in just one minute, or worse, end it... I wish someday, they get their own mega dose of fear that's going to be too much for him to handle that he'll choke but it'll be stuck in his throat, unabling him to breathe. And when I see him that way, I'll just watch him die. Watch his eyes sink and spell fear, but this time, the fear is pointed at himself.

 

Right now I dont remember what he looks like anymore, but I wish he's dead. Or suffering from bone cancer or non-hodkin's lymphoma or anything very painful. And expensive. I wish he experiences retrograde ejaculation. Anything painful, I wish for him. I wish him the Worst. That when the time comes we meet each other, that he's not riding a motorcycle anymore, and disarmed, I'd beat his ass up any day.

 

 

It took me at least 3 months to get through the post traumatic stress. Thank God i wasnt injured. Thank God no bullet was fired. and thank God I passed Pharma the next day. But in the next days after that, there were nights I was having nightmares about that incident. That he was chasing me. That he was killing me. That he was whorling me into a hole of knee shakening fear. That that gun in front of my skull, would suddenly mean everything, and that everything will be gone in an instant.

 

So this blog is for you, holdupper - may you experience the worst problems in the world and may you not get over it. I really wish to god that you get killed by a force bigger than you are. And may the fear that you spread along the streets of Lacson one day get to you at the middle of the night and kill you in the form of a myocardial infarction or an angina or a stroke and I hope you won't die because of it, because I want you to suffer. to suffer real bad. And maybe I'd be the doctor on duty that night, and in the case conference, I will then report to the consultant:

 

"30+ year old male, holdupper, filipino, arrived in the ER because of Chest Pain. As a Physician, I let him live by giving him the necessary meds just for him to survive. As his former victim, It was not a priority to relieve him from pain. I watched him scream, and cry, and pray for dear life. His scream was music to my ears, and his face was a sight to see, doctor."

 

" What the Hell? Demerit, Dr. Edejer!"

 

"It's okay, Doc. it's Worth it"

Happy Bday iPod

my iPod turns 4 today. And the ultimate gift I can give her is the gift of Life. You see, she drowned in a Sink in UST a few months ago because I was too much lost in the music. I thought the little splash wont harm her so I shut her down, hoping that tomorrow, she'd still be around as if nothing happened.

 

When I came back to the dorm, she had a 2-day seizure. The iPod became a blinker, and hour by hour, she experienced neurologic deficit and her GCS fell to 3. The worst number that scale coulod give cause even the best surgeons and doctors pray their Hail Marys and Our Fathers louder cause hope is slimmer. And then, after many attempts of resuscitation. Her finals words were, "Oh my God im so inlove, I found you finally, makes me wanna say, oh oh oh oh"... she only gets life when she's docked on the speakers but she never seemed like the old iPod I loved before. She doesnt know my favorite songs, the ones that I play when I need to study, when I need to relax, when I need to chill... At that time, she didnt knew. She was just a box of damped up memory that somebody put in. 

 

 

I missed her. I missed how she whispers to me the perfect melody, taking total control of my mood. I miss how she rides my sorrows and how she empathize my failures. I miss how she wraps my ear and charge my olfactory nerves with the rush I needed to stay awake.She gives me solace of faith when I need it, said in the perfect tone. In the perfect voice. There are times that she fails me cause she's too tired to play background on the moviegenic sunsets I was watching, or she's too shaken to pump me up while jogging (yes, I jog...sometimes) ... But most of the time, she performs. And she performs well. She's very reliable during trips cause she was the only one awake and singing with me when im driving from Manila to Zambales and back. She tucks me into bed when I can't sleep. She gives me unlimited access to porn in even inappropriate times. She gives me feel good movies. She shows funny videos to cheer me up. She's stubborn sometimes refusing different formats. She refuses to listen, she always want to be heard. But despite all that, I Love her.

 

Tonight marks the 4th year of our relationship.  Rare for me and a gadget to last (hindi nasira, hindi naholdap, hindi naiwan sa taxi). She's proven me that there may be times that I neglect her or forget her, but after a few caresses and clicks, I know that her heart's still with me. She knows she's been a part of me, and I'm sure I'm a part of her. Of course, cause she only has me.

 

She doesnt need to say it to me but I know she's jealous with my relationship with the PSP, the Laptop, my Books, and my real Girlfriend, but I know, she's all too willing for a 1 hour-a-day relationship with me. Because she knows that when we are together, I simply close my eyes, and I forget. I put her loud, and my cranium explodes. I tone her down, and then I sleep. And that, is enough for her to say to herself that she had a life well lived.

 

 

 

Today I had her operated a GreenHills Hospital and the surgeon said we'll change her heart. And in a matter of minutes, she's back in my arms again. No post op or Recovery time. No prophylaxis nor pre-op. Plus I got her a cool new black silicone jacket to keep her warm and cozy from the harsh environment she has to face.. She's now back to life again. And it's her birthday today. There may be cooler versions of her out in the market now with sleekier and waaaay hotter features and apps, but I'll remain to be simple and contented with Her and I. She will always be the best Graduation gift a pre-med student will ever wish for.

 

 

(unless somebody gives me an iPad, I'd leave her in a heartbeat haha)

 

Happy Birthday iPod!