and so, I write.

This should be a familiar place, for ive been here far too many times that I don't need to acclimatize to the cold and emptiness... and I don't need no assistance what chair to sit on, as if it's been waiting for me to come back all this time... this couch where I sat through years, as I've woven words. I sit here, inhale, and exhale, inhale, and exhale, and little by little, im letting it sink in...






maybe God has a better plan. maybe Feng Sui says otherwise. maybe this is just a test, or just some 'cleansing' to dust it all off so that we'd be smooth sailing right after. All i know, is that I got hurt. Again. And I stared and the screen for a full 5minutes and sighed before I write these words... I mean, again?






Lately it's been really hard to process my thoughts. For sure I know that I did my part in this relationship. I adjusted and bended all I can. I knew I'm up for a ride, but still, i signed up for it. For the thought that I knew it was worth it... But as days go by, it gets blurrier, and blurrier. It gets tougher and tougher and a lot of factors are coming into play.Family. Friends. Feng Sui. Deception. Lies. Regrets. Promises. Emotions. Self. Pride. Complexity. Apologies. Silence. Paranoia. All is sinking in except for logic. And i'm just stuck staring at it all as each of it delivers a blow on me.






And all i'm left for tonight is a prayer...






That Lord, I know, one day, I'm going to see this better. Lord, give me patience. Lord, please take care of her. Lord, give me faith, that one day, I will all be damn better. I'm not going to ask you why is this happening, or if I deserve what's happening. I'm not going to rant why. Because you'll probably tell me that this is what I asked for. But, Lord, why are you making it hard for me? for us? Im sure i'll get my answers soon, but for now, Lord, please be with me. Please. This is unlike any other pain i've had. It's numbing and it's making me crazy. It's debilitating and is something that is hard for me to comprehend. Someday, I will, but Lord, it will only be through your help that I will get there.






Someday, I will understand. Someday, I'll smile at this and see how different I'm dealing these tough times compared to before, and Somehow, I'm proud. Maybe this is one of those lessons I'll get. Someday, things will fall into place. Someday, but maybe not today.






Let's hope tomorrow will be better.