not a bad year after all

It's 5AM again and for the past 5AMs of this vacation (now 7am before I publish this), I was also awake so i guess it's official that my Sleeping Habits have been reversed and my Circadian Rhythm has been broken. In a few minutes, the sun will peep out, and hopefully I'll convince myself again to sleep. And wake up around 2PM. Aah. The Life. The Bum Life. 

 

Being the only person awake in the house makes you talk to yourself more. Not the freaky-talk-to-self-shizophreniac-type but more of the reflective type. I realized That it's under 10 days before we change our calendars, around 2 more sleeps before xmas and bbye to 2010! well, I actually already did.

 

I kissed 2010 Goodbye weeks ago. The moment December checked in, I went on Vacation mode and I'm just so ready to leave this year in the hopes of a better year. This year I lost 3 Phones, a laptop, wet my iPod that disabled it forever, 2 reformats, failed a subject, discovered I have sleep Apnea, blablablablabla the list will go on and on and on that I want to leave all the crap the Year of the Tiger thats-supposed-to-be-a-lucky-year has given me. But this post will not be here in the first place if this will be just a "Rant List" or "Series of Unfortunate events"

 

 

2010 is not the best year for me. Yes, I can say that. But saying that 2010 sucks would be unfair to all the good things that this year also given me... So, this, is my attempt to count my blessings this year.

 

 

1) I dont know if this happened this year or very early of January. But number 1 is not just about Sylar. It's about my family. I had better ties with my Sibs and Parents. Although my parents hate me more this year than last year, and of course I know why- they have all the reasons to be mad at me most times - but I am yet to redeem myself.The thing is, I'm glad they haven't given up on me. And I'm glad I haven't given up on Me either.

Sylar's Baptism

 

 

2) Shan and Pae received great DWTL gifts this year in the form of Batch 79 and 80. Im glad they had the time of their lives and they got to relive their DWTL moments, got their own set of Staffers and Kids and got drunk with their own dose of they Days High.

 

It made me relive my own batch (54) and when I Rectored (70) and these thoughts made me feel old. Damn. Haha.

with my dwtl70 staffies

 

 

 

 

3) I learned a lot about leadership. How to handle people a little bit. Learned more about priorities and managing my time better. Being the Segundus of the fraternity meant a lot for me because I have a lot to prove to them and I gave a lot of promises the day of The Grilling. I'm not gonna comment on how I'm doing my job so far, but, I believe I have set standards and raised them a little bit. I believe I'm a part of the evolution. And looking back, we've gone quite far.

SJ brods at the 2010 LTS

 

Like what we always say to new brods, "There will come a point where it will all boil down to one reason alone: Mahal natin ang Frat. Let that be the guiding light to everything we do"

UE Chapter Anniv 2010

 

I met a lot of new brods and sisses not just from UST but from different chapters as well. Some already know me before we even met, thanks to Facebook. Some from far away, even out of the country. And I even got the chance to visit brods out of the country and treated me as if we knew each other for a long time even though first time lang talaga kami nagkita. Nanlibre pa. Haha.It was nice to think that wherever I go in the states, there will always be a brod in the vicinity.

the remnant of october 14

 

 

 

4) The Fraternity induction ball marked a new age for the frat. (Well, I kinda made that one up, actually) But the alumni who were there were proud on how much the Frat has grown since their time. It put us in high spirits that it will was one of the most memorable (and most toxic) events of my term. So this event deserves a separate recognition from number 3

Induction Ball 2010

 

"I am a Spark. I am the Spark of Right. I am the Fraternity. And Scintilla Juris is my name"

 

 

5) MEDICAL MISSIONS! Tons of it this year. Most from Noynoy's Spark for Change, all 15 of them this year, most notably during his inauguration Rites. Became a part of History. While Noynoy was being Inaugurated, I was checking the Vital Signs of one collapsed woman.

Noynoy Inauguration with Brod Egay Zaragosa

 

And of course, the Zambales Mission :)

Zambales Mission with Mayor Jean Misa Morana

 

 

6) And yes. The opposite of Frat. I am still active at Days With The Lord. I never thought I'd last this long. It's my siblings' fault. I'm supposed to retire yeaaars ago, but they always seem to be invited as staff and they need me to support them.

DWTl Grand Mass

So then I realized that you don't go back to days when you run out of batch mates, candidates, or friends that you know. because, in the end, the real reason must be: we go back to Days because of Him.

DWTL 77 Batch Dinner with my Kids

And then came a new set of Grandkids c/o Pot's batch 78. Recruited Biboy (77), Junboy Ed (78), Odan (78), and Jacob (80) Im pretty sure Im not gonna be gone in the Days weekend anytime soon because of these people :) From batch 56 onwards, I never missed a batch :)

 

 

7) And oh. The V-neck. You walk down the halls of the Med Building with pride because you no longer have a collar and the buttons are on the side and glide in the corridors with slow-motion effect. That means you passed Pharma and Patho last year. Proud to wear it this year. But only for the first few months... and then, you'll forget about the king-of-the-med-building feeling because you were drowned again from all the school crap.

Econ's Bday

 

8) SYLAR! Our cute adopted baby that always brighten up our day when we go home

sorry, i can't get a decent pic. im sleepy doing this

 

9) Participated in a lot of Activites by the Student Council. And had fun doing it.

Medicine Freshmen Walk

From LTS tour-de-med to Freshmen walk to Q Rosary to MEd Week and the rest of the activities especially when there are free food involved. :D

 

 

10) Friends who are non Frat and non Days related but are still my friends (Med Friends kasama na mga Prof, Council Friends, Bio Friends, Wisdom Friends, Dogsquad, and my Blog Fans (that includes the squealers who have been telling my mom that I've been cursing on FB. Tss.)) - I'm thankful for all of them. 

B2 @ Potipot

B2 Xmas Party!

4bio1 07 Xmas Dinner

 

 

 

All these, and more... I haven't included my trip to US, the fun Birthday week I had, the Dorm Adventures, and the story on how I conquered my Writer's Block, blablablablabla the list will go on and on. This year isn't bad after all.

 

i am the master of my fate, i am the captain of my soul

One thing this year taught me, is that, at the end of it all. There is still a lot more things to be thankful for.

 

So, Goodbye 20-effing-10. and Hello, 2011. Cheers to a better year!

 

Happy New year, Everyone!

 

(oo maaga talagang New year Blog to. Yung Xmas blog naman ipopost ko before new year. haha)

broken laptops and starting over

my laptop died on me last monday. I ignored all his symptoms of slowing down, flickering, giving weird messages, seizures, stupor -- until it finally succumbed to a coma that leaves me just staring into the most hopeless display that Windows could give you: the Blue Screen.

 

I was scared of all the unpublished works I, the pictures I have, the Fraternity documents, Videos, and Music - everything wasn't backed up. So I rushed him to the UST Med MIC to have him resuscitated...

 

2 days after admission, my Laptop is alive again. I just chose what files to keep and in a few hours, it's back with a better OS and a better antivirus program . It's as if nothing happened. It has all my files at my documents, downloads, music and pictures. no more interruptions from the viruses and everything is back as good as new.

 

---

 

if you screwed up too much in life,for a laptop, reformatting would be easy. you just pay a certain amount, choose the ones to take with you and discard other ones. the next day you'll wake up without pain, and all the gain. plus the sleekier features of a new operating system. sometimes i wish our minds would just be like that. imagine how easy would it be to download information and share it, and delete anything that's just dragging us down. how easy life would be if we choose our friends online, and discard them after. we get new games, and when we're done, we delete.

 

and if everything becomes unbearable again, we just run back to our nearest friendly technician for a reset.

 

 

 

 

unfortunately, we're not like laptops. there is no CTRL + ALT  + DELETE. there is no pause, or rewind, no ESC button or if it all doesnt work, we just pull our battery packs out and put it back in and start anew. We're all human. We deal with every pain, get through moving-on stages, and suffer without the help of Kaspersky, and Doctors can only help us only to a point, yet the rest is still up to us. We don' t simply un-friend someone just because you dont like her anymore. We dont get married in a click of a mouse, and break up 10 minutes after. we suffer consequences, and we become what we are now and what we will be because of it. no CTRL+Z allowed. When we screw up, we deal with it. We suck it up, and face all the repercussions.

 

 

on the other hand, fortunately, we're not like laptops. because despite of all, we learn in the process. we become stronger due to the pain. every little thing we do, leave scars on us. and each scar has a story to tell - not just how it got hurt, and how it bled, but also how it stopped bleeding and healed. we take part in the vicious cycle of love-and-get-hurt without shortcuts, because each part of the process has something to teach us. With a laptop, it's ok to make the same mistakes again. It's OK to be careless. OK to be damaged - it'd be backed up anyway. But in real life, We stop making the same mistakes because we're tired of making new Files just to be deleted and deleted again - no backup. That each time we stumble, we get stronger for it.

 

 

Fortunately, we are human. We may not have 2 Tera byte Hard Drives, but We have Feelings. We appreciate the warmth of a kiss from someone special, the hands of a loved one, a hug from a friend. Laptops can't feel that even if it dedicates all it's hard drive to porn. Laptops may get reformatted from time to time, but We suck up all mistakes, fall, but stand up a better person after. Laptops have shelf lives, after that, you replace them. Us? No matter what happens with our life, we try to survive it. try to understand it. try to appreciate it. and ultimately, try to live it - and in the end, be thankful for it.

 

 

If everything we hated at that time was deleted just because we were at an unbearable pain, then we wouldn't have matured at all. There would be no growth or progress just because we'll go back to the start every time.

 

and no matter how advanced Science is, it will never, ever, make a robot imitate the miracle of life.

maybe she

She is the reason why I started writing again.

The reason why words fall through as i type blogs and crap, in the hope that she might be reading my works. or even status messages.

 

But as i cross the phase of "is the reason why" to "was the reason why"... before everything becomes past tense, i tried to ask myself, why did it get me here anyway? It's a long, long, shot, but why did i let the dice roll?

 

And right then an there, i found two words that explained everything

 

FALSE HOPE

 

I clinged to the hope, no matter how small, because of one thing - because it gets me through the day.

She was my Sunrise and Sunset. That a nonsense text from her would make me jump up and down. That a smiley from her reply would make me smile the world away. She was this false illusion of the possibility that maybe I could be better. The hope that the story God has written has finally arrived. I loved every moment of it. Even though I knew it was a lie. That asking for a chance is impossible in the first place.

 

For a split second, I considered that statement, "Maybe, She." Maybe she could be that someone I wrote god-knows-how-long-ago who will make all promises worth keeping, all tears worth shedding, and all the rest of life worth living. That someone that would trump all the ones before her, that would make me thank every heartache i've had, every mistake, and every bad move,  because it all ultimately lead to her. I considered asking myself that maybe she's that She....

 

...and then, I woke up. And got to my senses. And reality crept in... That not all falling stars fall for you. And it's just really time to wake up, and recalibrate....

 

 

 

 

So tonight, I'll be resting my case. I am formally giving up. Giving up that affair that didn't even happen in the first place. Better this, maybe, than too late. Better pull myself out before i get engulfed by the quicksand. Tonight, I'll lay the fantasy to rest, and close a book of empty hopes and just be thankful of the words that's been woven because of her. Of the poetry she'll never get to read. Of the story that existed only inside one's Hippocampus riding in the highway of Papez, back and forth, back and forth, until it made me believe.

 

Of that "Love" that she never heard about, and probably never will.

 

Now, I'll be hoping of another story. The one where She is not in it, but a better She. That one who will make what I am and will ever be. That one where Hope will never be false, and no bit of doubt will ever stain Her and I. Ever I, Ever You, and Ever We.

 

 

All I have to do, is to Believe

Repostings

will be reposting blogs here. 

ilang taon pa?

Ilang taon pa?

 

Ito siguro ang pinaka gasgas na tanong sa mga Med Student tuwing may family reunion.

 

Ilang taon pa, dok?

 

Mapapaisip ka eh. Madalas, sinasagot ko nalang, “matagal pa.” – pero so far, sa pagkakaalala ko, mayroon nang 3 taong namatay na bago man lang ako nagka-role sa pagligtas ng buhay nila – lahat sila sinabi, sana maabutan ko daw silang magamot. E pano pa pala kung pagpapalaki lang ng boobs at pambobotox sa mga gurang lang ang kapapadparan kong linya? Ano nalang sasabihin ng mga may kanser na lalapit sakin, “dok, tulong naman, may cancer po ako”

 

Malamang ang masasagot ko ay, “uhmm, ‘Nay, taga gawa lang po ako ng suso at taga higop ng taba. Ang best ko pong magagawa sa inyo ay gawin kayong maganda bago mamatay” – syempre hindi pwede yun diba?

 

Back to the story. 3 na silang namatay. 3 na close sa akin pero. marami pang ibang nagsabi sakin noon na, “pag doctor ka na, ikaw gagamot sakin ah?”, na hindi ko maalala kung sino-sino  pero may ilan dun na namatay na rin. Madalas kasi akong sinasama ng tatay ko sa mga pasyente nya sa probinsya lalo na pag mga kamag-anak. Nakakatuwa sila magpasalamat kay daddy. Karamihan walang pambayad (at malamang ndi na pinapagbayad pag kamag-anak) pero makikita mo naman na yung yakap nila kay daddy ay daig pa ang tuko sa kakakapit. Parang wowowee pero hindi scripted at hindi pinlano. Last week nga lang may pinuntahan kaming pasyente, binigyan nila kami ng native na manok as PF. Nakakatuwa yung fulfillment kung nagpapasalamat sila… Mas lalong nakakatuwa kung may magaling magluto dun sa bahay na binisita namin dahil pinaghahandaan nila pag andun kami. Panalo. Pero, dont get me wrong, nakakatuwa pa rin kung nagbabayad din sila. :p

 

Minsan napapayuko nalang ako kakaisip kung ilang taon pa nga ba. Mas lalo akong napapayuko pag tumitingin sakin ang mga magulang ko pag tinatanong yun. Matagal kasi... tapos pinatagal ko pa. Ang kapal ng mukha ko kasi - Delayed kasi ako sa Med. Irregular student. Syempre masakit pero im trying to put on a brave-face. Hindi nalang siguro ako nagpapaapekto kasi wala na talaga akong magagawa. Irregular student. Patabaing baboy na maluwag ang sched pero bopols pa rin sa Acad Performance. nakaputi at minsan may bitbit na stethoscope kahit di marunong magdetect ng normal heartbeat o murmur. Pero, oo nga pala, hindi sa pagkairreg ko ang dapat pagusapan sa blog na to. Napapaisip lang ako sa napakatagal na panahong ginugugol mo para lang sa punyetang “to help humanity” na yan. I-compute nga natin:

 

4 years Premed

+ 4 years Med (minsan 5, minsan 6, minsan 6 ½, minsan 7)

+ 1 Year Internship (what the hell is this for?)

+ 4 months review for boards

+ 3 months bum 

+ 1 month pre-residency

+ 3-4 years residency

+ 3-4 years subspecialty or fellowship.

 

May suma total na umaatikabong 15 Years kung di ka madedelay, hindi magmomoonlight galore, at tuloy tuloy ang pag asenso mo from one stage to another. After nun, hahanapin mo pa ang practice mo. Pambihira.

 

Kaya hindi ko rin masisi ang mga doctor kung bakit bonggang bongga sila maningil ng pasyente. Sinakripisyo nila ang prime of their life para lang sa siyensya at lisensya. Makakamiss ng mga mahahalagang milestones ng inaanak nila. Hindi makakabonding ang mga kapatid nila. Mamimiss ang birthday ng bestfriend. Natulog sa sinehan habang nakikipagdate sa syota. Ininda nila ang napakaraming tanong nga mga kamag-anak nila tuwing reunion para lang iexplain sa kanila kung gano katagal maging ganap na doctor.  Yun ay kung nakakapunta pa kami sa mga family reunions – kung walang exam sa susunod na mga araw. Isinantabi muna ng karamihan samin na isipin ang paggawa ng pamilya, o pagnenegosyo. Imbes na mag retire na ang magulang namin, humihingi pa kami ng limpak limpak na salapi para lang mapahirapan at magpuyat. At bumagsak. At laitin ng consultant. At maging adik sa kape. At maging manhid.

 

So, ilang taon pa? Madalas ang sinasagot ko nalang ay, “matagal pa po” Syempre may mga taong hindi pa satisfied sa sagot ko kaya sasabihin kong, magSuSurgeron ako, Ortho siguro o Kidney transplant. TCVS kung mapagtiyatiyagaan. Kung papalarin.

 

Hindi pa yun ang end ng story syempre. Madami nang itatanong sa iyo as if you know everything. May magtatanong kung bakit di gumagaling ang sugat nila. Kung pano magkakaAids. Kung paano dadayain ang urine drug test. Kung ikamamatay ba niya ang pagkain ng Crispy Pata kanina kasi nagbublurr ang paningin nya. Kung nakakamatay ba ang pagputok ng pigsa. Kailangan ba ng prescription para makabili ng Cytotec. Normal lang bang magka almuranas. Kung totoo ba ang vaginismus ni john Lloyd at Shaina. Ano nga daw ba ang Vaginismus? Kapareho lang ba yun ng nangyayari pag natapos magtalik ang mga aso? Edi sabuyan nalang sila ng asin? May nagtaong pa nga kung brod ko ba si Hayden Kho. (mukha ngang exaggerated to pero I can swear on my life na tinanong talaga sakin tong mga to)

 

90% ng mga tinatanong sa amin, hindi namin masasagot ng maayos. Kung masagot man, at may ipeprescribe kaming gamot, kadalasan hindi namin alam ang dosage, o most of the time, kailangan pa ng further testing para makumpirma ang diagnosis. In short – nagmumukha lang nonsense. Or nagmarunong lang pero hindi nakatulong. Minsan may mae-elibs na kamag-anak kasi andami ko na daw alam pero sa loob loob ko, hindi lahat din ng nasabi ko ay sigurado ako. Hehe. Mas marami pang alam ang Wikipedia.

 

Hindi ko na magets ngayon kung bakit ko sinusulat tong thoughts na to. Lalong nakakatawang isipin na ipopost ko ito para mabasa ng maraming tao. Siguro ang point ko lang:

 

Ilang taon pa? Huwag na siguro nating bilangin.

 

Tutal naman, kahit papano, enjoy naman dahil sa magaganda kong kaklase, nanlilibreng ka-subsec pag birthday, freebies pag med week, at oo nga pala, enjoy dahil makikita mo ang mundo mula sa kaliit-liitang chromosome hanggang sa pandaigdigang epidemya. Kahit papano alam naming may bunga ang pagtanda sa loob ng pader ng paaralan. Sabi nga ni Miley Cyrus, It’s the Climb. Sabi nga ng Brod kong si Jappy Castillo, “Ang Medicine, hindi pabilisan kundi pasarapan”

 

Corny nga naman kung balang araw, nagising ka nalang na may suot ng white coat naka embroider ang pangalan mo tapos may, “MD” at kung anu ano pang karugtong. Kailangan na talagang paghirapan. Masakit isipin  at sabihin pag hindi pa tapos. Mahirap gawin pag ginagawa palang. Pero masarap balikan pag tapos na. Maaapreciate ko nalang siguro tong mahabang paglalakbay na ito in Retrospect nalang.

 

Ilang taon pa? Tinatanong nila yun sayo kasi marami silang umaasa. Minsan kahit hindi mo choice magpaasa, umaasa sila. Nagtitiwala sila. Inaabangan ka nila. Kaya mas lalong bumibigat ang responsibilidad. Pero mas lalong sasarap ang tagumpay. Mas lalong tumitindi ang pressure. Pero syempre, smile pa rin sa harap nila. Ganyan talaga ang buhay showbiz – i mean – buhay natin.

----

So, pag nasettle na yung tanong na iyon. Either masasagot ko, or maiiwas sa ibang tanong. Makakahinga ng konti... maya maya (lalo na ang matatanda) Ibabato naman nila sa akin ang isa pang napakalaking tanong na wala na akong balak sagutin pa sa blog na ito.

 

 

KELAN KA MAG-AASAWA?

 

Kamusta naman.

a tale of two cities

Four Years since I changed that relationship status in Friendster from plural to singular. Now that everyone has evacuated that once nice place, it's still the same label I got until now, and maybe tomorrow. and tomorrow... But no, I'm not complaining. It's just that, tonight, i heard from her again...

----

she "o bakit wala pa rin?!"

me "sabi ko sayo diba, hahanapin ko muna sarili ko. aayusin. para naman di ko maulit sa iba mga mali ko sayo"

"ang tagal mo naman hanapin yang sarili mong yan"

inside me "punyeta ka kasi eh"

 actual reply "eh matagal eh."

---

She was far now from what she was when we were us. now with a good income with her dream job which i never thought she could do. now Married, whom I wished before it'd be 'Edejer' on her last name, but no. And now with a Kid. A cute little kid which is expected. She was talking like a mother and a married woman and a fulfilled professional - which is, well, at some point, she really is. And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, I could say, I'm happy for her.

But what she said during the chat struck me."Ang tagal mo naman hanapin sarili mo"

There wasn't a mark of anything from our last conversation in flesh years ago. Maybe she forgot all the pain she induced. Maybe she didn't know how bad it was at all. Or maybe matagal naman talaga. Bakit nga ba ang tagal? --- I think I could fathom the latter maybe more than the first maybes.

And then, I remembered the pain. In retrospect. the Pain without the feeling. Objectively, i remembered it.

The pain that made me run away. The pain that made me write bloody blogs. The pain that made me grow up. The one that made me better. 

That pain that hurts. That hurt more. And ultimately, hurt no more.

She probably had forgotten it. But that's her. And i'll let her be.

As for me, i realized sometimes, it lingers. Not in the sense that there is still something on her - definitely no. But something, in the sense na, everything falls into pieces once the fear of a repeat of what happened is looming. That Trust has just become a brand of condoms - cheap, flavored, one time use. There's still that broken shard of glass that remains in me that is more than just a souvenir of how broken i was. A reminder to be careful. To be watchful... But I know that when the spell strikes once again, I'd be this dumb ass dude again.

 

So what now?

 

(text above: written a few months ago.)

(text below. today 3:09AM, ends 3:40)

There were two cities. Who were once One. They both benefited each other, and in time, they loved the company of each other. They were so close that he doesnt even have to whisper to tell her what he feels because his eyes tell it all. That he breathes in what she breathes out. That her hands, on his chest, was his hand. That when he closes his eyes, she falls asleep. (yes, I got that from Spongecola and Pablo Neruda)

 

But there came a time where one city has to progress, leaving the other city behind. She needs to upgrade. She needs new stuff. She needs fresh air. She needs to evolve. As for the other city, he didn't quite understand why. And it took him a long time to just ask the heavens for some reason behind it. Maybe he has to be the sacrificial lamb for the other city to progress. He has thought She has evolved using him. He was left out and he doesn't have She to rise with. So, he let her be. He doesnt understand but he let her be.

Today. After a long time. The left-out city, has found its spirit again. He tried to look everywhere near and far, only to find out that what he was looking for was just within. through finding it, He realized It was not the old city/self he once knew - it's a different one, a lot better one. he realized that that city has to be destroyed first so that one can build a better one. a stronger one. a deeper one. a city where there is an eternal sunshine emanating in the middle of it. Where there is a pool of hope and faith and radiance in every corner of that wonderful place. That in finding it's spirit and self back, he gained a brand new one. In losing everything, he gained everything. It doesnt need to be found after all. It just need to be awakened. And that city is now better than ever.

This is a tale of two cities where one destroyed the other in pursuit of the city's progress. The destroyed-one thought for a while that he was a victim of the process. But now, the once-destroyed city gives Thanks the one who destroyed him. for without that state of calamity, he would not have be standing strong right now. Beaming with pride, standing on a pedestal where he deserves to be.

There were two cities who were once One, but now, they are two totally different Cities.

And they are a lot better off that way.

And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, He could say, I'm happy for her.

and He is happy for what's in store for himself, too.

 

 

(weird that i compared it to cities)

(okay, i need to effing sleep)

Thinking out Loud

Broken Chain

 

I broke 2 self-imposed traditions. First is the annual obligatory Thanksgiving blog every Birthday. Although I am and always been thankful of the blessings I get every year, I just didn’t feel like there’s something new and blogworthy. Second is this little secret that I do every year (and only a few people knows this) - I write a letter to myself for my next birthday – my expectations, wishes, questions for the year that will come, and hopefully answering them by the time I’ll read it one year later. Got that idea from time capsules, but there’s a minimum of 5 years daw pag time capsule, so I made it an annual letter to myself. I didn’t made one last year so I didn’t receive one this year. And, where did I put those letters anyway? It was so organized last year. Until Ondoy came. Now I don’t remember where they are. So it didn’t matter anymore if I make one. Nakakatamad na din. Corny na rin kasi. Maybe this is another sign of getting old.

 

Looking back I have seen so much changes. The way I write, the way I think, my priorities, my obsessions, passions, routines, the people around me. 10 years ago, when I was 14, I never would have imagined me to be this one like now. I expected differently. I overshot my expectations. I thought by 21 I’d get my first million, first car, first house, and all the chicks I can get. Somewhere along the way, the illusion died out. I realized my name is not Justin Bieber.

 

Maybe there’s a kid in me that died as I grew up. I sometimes forget to wear my eyes of colors and generators of my spontaneous thoughts. I kind of lost my corny emo self (believe me, bawas na tong pagkacorny and emo ko ngayon). But then again, maybe that kid in me have to die to give way to a more realistic eye to the world and a more mature set of beliefs. One where I should be more cautious in everything I say (thank you to the Squealers who told my parents I’ve been cursing on facebook.) One where I should weigh all options before choosing one. And if I land on a decision, I have to be firm by it no matter what. I guess I have to let go of some standards I’ve set for myself cause they blind me for a probable better something or someone I am yet to see. And I hope it’s not too late.  Maybe, one way or another, we really need to have something to die in us so that other ways could live. Maybe they’ve served enough in our system for a certain time, now that we times have changed, we have to change some of the ways, or sometimes totally replacing them. Not that we don’t like them anymore, it’s just that we have to move on. Not that we’re throwing the old away, but we have to make way for Change. We have to. Either that, or we crumble. Evolve or expire. Step up, or make the same mistakes all over again.  Most of the time, people choose the latter. But life is just so great that they still give us chances to be better. That even though we make lame decisions in the past, one way or another, we are given chances for redemption. And if we fail again, we’re given chances to succeed again.

 

Damn it, I talk like an old man. And my blogs are becoming pointless. Sigh.

 

One thing that I will try my best not to change – is my passion for writing. Even though nangangalawang na.

 

At least I tried. :D