a tale of two cities

Four Years since I changed that relationship status in Friendster from plural to singular. Now that everyone has evacuated that once nice place, it's still the same label I got until now, and maybe tomorrow. and tomorrow... But no, I'm not complaining. It's just that, tonight, i heard from her again...

----

she "o bakit wala pa rin?!"

me "sabi ko sayo diba, hahanapin ko muna sarili ko. aayusin. para naman di ko maulit sa iba mga mali ko sayo"

"ang tagal mo naman hanapin yang sarili mong yan"

inside me "punyeta ka kasi eh"

 actual reply "eh matagal eh."

---

She was far now from what she was when we were us. now with a good income with her dream job which i never thought she could do. now Married, whom I wished before it'd be 'Edejer' on her last name, but no. And now with a Kid. A cute little kid which is expected. She was talking like a mother and a married woman and a fulfilled professional - which is, well, at some point, she really is. And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, I could say, I'm happy for her.

But what she said during the chat struck me."Ang tagal mo naman hanapin sarili mo"

There wasn't a mark of anything from our last conversation in flesh years ago. Maybe she forgot all the pain she induced. Maybe she didn't know how bad it was at all. Or maybe matagal naman talaga. Bakit nga ba ang tagal? --- I think I could fathom the latter maybe more than the first maybes.

And then, I remembered the pain. In retrospect. the Pain without the feeling. Objectively, i remembered it.

The pain that made me run away. The pain that made me write bloody blogs. The pain that made me grow up. The one that made me better. 

That pain that hurts. That hurt more. And ultimately, hurt no more.

She probably had forgotten it. But that's her. And i'll let her be.

As for me, i realized sometimes, it lingers. Not in the sense that there is still something on her - definitely no. But something, in the sense na, everything falls into pieces once the fear of a repeat of what happened is looming. That Trust has just become a brand of condoms - cheap, flavored, one time use. There's still that broken shard of glass that remains in me that is more than just a souvenir of how broken i was. A reminder to be careful. To be watchful... But I know that when the spell strikes once again, I'd be this dumb ass dude again.

 

So what now?

 

(text above: written a few months ago.)

(text below. today 3:09AM, ends 3:40)

There were two cities. Who were once One. They both benefited each other, and in time, they loved the company of each other. They were so close that he doesnt even have to whisper to tell her what he feels because his eyes tell it all. That he breathes in what she breathes out. That her hands, on his chest, was his hand. That when he closes his eyes, she falls asleep. (yes, I got that from Spongecola and Pablo Neruda)

 

But there came a time where one city has to progress, leaving the other city behind. She needs to upgrade. She needs new stuff. She needs fresh air. She needs to evolve. As for the other city, he didn't quite understand why. And it took him a long time to just ask the heavens for some reason behind it. Maybe he has to be the sacrificial lamb for the other city to progress. He has thought She has evolved using him. He was left out and he doesn't have She to rise with. So, he let her be. He doesnt understand but he let her be.

Today. After a long time. The left-out city, has found its spirit again. He tried to look everywhere near and far, only to find out that what he was looking for was just within. through finding it, He realized It was not the old city/self he once knew - it's a different one, a lot better one. he realized that that city has to be destroyed first so that one can build a better one. a stronger one. a deeper one. a city where there is an eternal sunshine emanating in the middle of it. Where there is a pool of hope and faith and radiance in every corner of that wonderful place. That in finding it's spirit and self back, he gained a brand new one. In losing everything, he gained everything. It doesnt need to be found after all. It just need to be awakened. And that city is now better than ever.

This is a tale of two cities where one destroyed the other in pursuit of the city's progress. The destroyed-one thought for a while that he was a victim of the process. But now, the once-destroyed city gives Thanks the one who destroyed him. for without that state of calamity, he would not have be standing strong right now. Beaming with pride, standing on a pedestal where he deserves to be.

There were two cities who were once One, but now, they are two totally different Cities.

And they are a lot better off that way.

And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, He could say, I'm happy for her.

and He is happy for what's in store for himself, too.

 

 

(weird that i compared it to cities)

(okay, i need to effing sleep)