(written september pa pala,ngayon ko lang napublish)
He looked normal. Sound asleep, breathing irregularly, has long eyelashes for a guy, and without the nasogastric tube on him, he wouldve looked like a picture perfect angel...
It was a rainy friday afternoon and i was soaked because of my pathologic habit of not bringing umbrellas. But i needed to be there asap for Pedia.
Pediatrics. It is not a secret that i dont like kids that much. I am very choosy on who to declare as cute, adorable, and some average kids easily jump to borderline tiyanak when i see them cry. Lalo na yung mga uhugin. So I entered the ward with an obligatory smile, forgetting for a while the 'I want to help humanity' chorva.
Then I got scared when I saw the index card on his bed:
Hirschsprung disease with enterocolitis, seizure disorder, global developmental delay, and UTI. scary.
HIRSCHSPRUNG?! My god. I dont even know how to spell hirschsprung. Thank you, google, for correcting me. While doing the confusing history as stated by his dad, and listing the so many drugs, and asking at the back of my mind how much those drugs cost, something happened - the patient had a seizure.
I never saw a live seizure before. I just saw them in videos, but never had i seen a tonic clonic seizure happening right in front of me. And he is just a one year old baby.
Call me corny or emotional or weak but at that very moment, my heart stopped. I could probably explain what's going on inside his brain why he was having seizures, but I was asking God why such an innocent, young human being is experiencing such storm inside his cranium. He doesnt have a smoking history. Not alcoholic. Not adulterous. Not obese. Clean sexual history... Why would God give diseases to people making them unable to live their lives? Specially kids. Why did god make them? Why make them suffer at such a young age? It's not his fault that he was born on a lying in clinic and forceps delivered (and im not really sure if that became a factor), It's not his fault that he was born in the first place. The seizure continued for more than 3 minutes, and in between the jerks and cries, his eyes looked at me. His iris were shaking, his hands clenched exactly as dr ostrea has demonstrated in his lecture. He looked at me for a full 2 second gaze and closed his eyes again for another wave. It was painful for me to watch, how much more painful would it be for the parents too see their child that way?
It got me. I wanted to tell him it's all gonna be okay even though i dont know what's wrong. I wanted to tell him i want to buy all his drugs just to make him better (but, uhm, the cash i had that day cant even get me into a cab home. Goodluck with that). I wanted to inject valproic acid or diazepam or Jesus' saliva on him for the sake of me doing something for it to stop, but i dont wanna play God.
"sanay na ako dyan" said his dad. I can read from his tone and voice that he is hurting but being strong for his first and only child. And then he carried him on his arms while narrating the maternal and obstetric history.
"nung pinanganak siya normal naman lahat. Maayos daw siya. Ok naman siya nung una eh"
And then in my mind, played freddie aguilar. 'Nung isinilang kansa mundong ito, laking tuwa ng magulang mo, at ang kamay nila'y iyong ilaw'... Our patient may be a flawed human being in our clinical eyes, but for his fatheer, he is still perfect... He patiently wipes his son's sweat while he is seizing, as if it was helping alleviate his tonic - myoclonic dance, but then again that's the most he can do at that time...For me, there's nothing more sweet than selflessly, someone taking care of the sick. I easily get touched by people watching over their loved ones during sick period. The caretakers have nothing to gain from them, yet they still sacrifice to clean their shit, wipe their ass, and catch their phlegm - they do it all for one simple fact. They love them.
Then the dad said, "Hindi nga pala siya nakakarinig at nakakakita"
Oops. kala ko ba nag eye contact sya sakin? Apparently, nagiilusyon lang pala ako na he looked at me deep into my eyes, trying to tell me something. It was just coincidence that his gaze were on the same angle as mine.
Not knowing what to react, his dad said, "makakita lang siya, o makarinig man lang, ok na sakin eh"
I didnt know what to say anymore to him. I mean, look, Seizure disorder. Hirschsprung. Pneumonia. UTI prone. enterocolitis. Global delay. Deaf and blind - one year old. Nagbirthday pa sya sa ospital. It would suck if God will let you choose one of these to be yours (i'd choose UTI by the way), but all the more if God gives you all of them. And the more painful it will be if your loved ones will have them, becuase i am sure the dad is willing to trade places with his son so that siya nalang ang mahirapan, wag lang yung baby nya.
Suddenly I remember what my highschool teacher had told me almost 10 years ago:
Be gentle, because the person you might be meeting may be fighting a harder battle.
For those who know me, and even those people who just been around me, i always have something to rant about and complain about. The weather. The 4thfloor dorm. Girlfriend na walang signal. Ang mahal na presyo ng bilihin sa med caf. The long lines in xerox machines. Ugly people (na nagsalita naman akong kala mong kagwapuhan). Unsamplexed exams. I even complain about people who complain a lot - I need not to elaborate that what im having now is nothing compared to even more people. I complain about how hard medschool is, but I realized that one day I will be facing patients having harder lives that I am (except when I decide to make Boobjobs 'to help humanity')
as one by one, my groupmates left, before i went out, i touched the baby's hand, and he gripped my finger. maybe it wasnt a grip but was a tonic part of the siezure, but for me it was a grip. Is it god's way of tryng to tell me to keep holding on for god-knows-what reason? Or is it god's message to tell me this is what im born to do, to touch lives. Or maybe, again, im putting so much cosmic signifiance into simple coincidences? Maybe im over analyzing
I didnt get to 'help humanity' that day. I mean, what would i do? Give money? Invent new drugs? Give false hopes? Maybe it's not my turn to save his life just yet, or anyone else's. The junior intern has done what they have to do, and the baby has a lot more referrals ahead of him. Maybe I didnt get a hand in helping the baby get better. But that give made me remember what I'm really here for...
I want to become a doctor not just because I want to delay death, but improve the quality of life.
I want to become a doctor because I want to have an impact in someone,
that even though I may not have cured them totally,
I hope I've alleviated them in their pain - even by just talking to theM,
lower their blood pressure by just smiling at them
making them feel important by showing that I care.
this is what i want to do with my life.
(next to getting rich. jk)
No comments:
Post a Comment