Jesus, MD

I guess you will not be surprised if I told you I always wanted to become a doctor. There's something about blood and stitches that keep me interested. I'm always in awe of how the human body works, how a wound heals, and how a heart beats, how an erection happens. I always thought the white coat would look good on me with a shiny stethoscope. I had this belief that my smile could magically heal a patient (STOP, look at my profile pic. Healed? No? Shucks), and I thought my hands can fix everything that's wrong, I thought, as a doctor, If I'd tell a leper to bathe in the river, he'll be healed.



I thought I'd be as cool as Jesus without the beard.



When I was in pre-med I looked up so much on Med Students. The heavy books they carry, the all-white uniform that made them look so clean, the nameplate with "Faculty of Medicine and Surgery" shining below your name, and how I'm amazed when thay talk jargon to each other. I always fantasized talking to someone on the phone saying, "sige, operahan na natin, pagdating ko dapat prepared na mga gamit para matapos agad kasi marami pa kong iba pang OR scheds"



But when it was my turn to wear those Vnecks and "Junior Intern" in our names, it wasnt as glamorous as I thought it was. Those books I carry are barely highlighted, the all-white uniform starts to shrink on you as you gain weight, you wonder where you get a shit-colored stain or blood on your uniform, when we look at our nameplates, instead of pride, fear looms because of the pressure that you have to graduate on what year it says, and the jargon talk? We were just reading them from handwritings that took us hours to decipher, and more of those words I cannot even spell correctly. The phone conversations? "Yes doktora? opo... opo... di ko po alam doktora, I'll find out po, sorry po doktora. Ooperahan na po ba? sige po tatakbo na po ako diyan. Doctora, pwede po ba ako umalis agad? Marami pa po akong gagawing errands"



I tried to find the Jesus Rockstar feeling of saving lives and helping humanity part of this. But so far, I haven't brought someone back to life. I haven't cured a leper. I haven't made a blind see. I haven't healed a paralytic. ok Lord, maybe you can't give me those powers, but, can you at least make me turn water into wine?



So far, the only thing I feel the same with Jesus right now is suffering part. The calvary of Edema rounds, the persecution of being boljacked, carrying the cross of demerits, the whipping at referrals, the sleepless night at getsemane.



There are times we are left asking why we signed up for this show anyway. And our parents paid a lot for this, expecting thay'd have a Return of Investment on God-knows-when. We are getting sleep deprived and drained the soul out of ourselves, while we watch our friends get married, have kids, skyrocketing their careers. We've been taught in medschool that 25 is the prime of our lives, but we're drowing in a see of books and papers and surround ourselves with sick people. We were taught that brain function is in optimum with a required amount of sleep while we can't do it ourselves. I sometimes ask how different I am with the Psych patients I've managed and made me think that the difference between them and I is that they are properly medicated, while I am not...



...Which made me think... If Jesus was a Junior Intern, what would he do? Will he always be next on deck so that everyone he touches will be healed? Does he still need to attend adcons, ER cons and THERAcons? Will he feel sleepy at lectures? Will he glow at night or wear a halo like in the pictures? Does he need to make Yellow Notes? By 7am? Will he be boljacked because his intervention will be "bathe in river for 10 minutes", "drink your urine cause i turned them into wine", his prescriptions would be, "Uleavened Bread, #70x7, Sig: take 1 bread, break into a million pieces, share to the whole ward, three times a day", "If febrile, don't worry, it's the holy spirit sending cytokines!", I bet he'd be great with patient care, I hope he gets decked to the patient na naninigaw na "DEMONYO", it will be like an exorcism. What will he do in San Lazaro? Do charts? What will he do if someone's coding? will he fall in line with us and wait for his turn to pump? or he will part a sea of JIs as he raise his hand and levitate the patient and put him back to life in the most movie-genic scene? and after that, say, "Doctors, Go back to sleep", Will he get demerits too when he pushes a wheelchair? What if he does? What will he say? "You're gonna demerit me? Do you know who I am? I'm JESUS, god damn it!"



But then again, pardon for the cornyness, maybe Jesus have to be there in the wards in the form of us. We may not be able to Radiate Chemotherapy out of our hands, but maybe reaching out would make them an inch closer to being better. Maybe I dont levitate, and maybe I can't cure Heart failure by just winking, but I know the drugs that could help them, and I know what could harm them. My smile cannot probably heal your diabetes but, look at my profile pic again. That smile made a lot of patients smile, too. healed? No? Feel better? Hopefully.



Three months into Junior Internship, I have seen patients die in my hands, I have pumped their hearts for them, I've seen families cling to the last straws of hope, and have seen most of those hopes die too, the same day - and because of that I have understood more the cycle of life and death. Of letting go and letting be. Of how susceptible we are to harm's way, and how strong we will be from harm's way. I played Jesus in comforting them. In cheering my SLE patient who dializes every other day. In my patient who always talks about her crush na JI who 1 week ago that patient came in in cardiorespiratory distress. In making Clinical Abstracts to help the patients be granted assistance. In asking patients, "nanay, laban lang ha? hindi pwedeng lumala ka." This, is what I want to do with my life.



I guess you will not be surprised if I tell you I've always wanted to become a doctor. THe Bible may not be aware of the everyday glories we do, but the world need not to acknowledge every single deed. Because this is what we signed up for. Like what the Hippocratic Oath said,



we are here to pledge to consecrate our lives to the service of humanity.

To practice this profession with conscience and dignity.

To maintain by all means and power the honor and noble traditions of the medical profession.

To maintain the utmost respect for human life...



Last month when I was admitting a patient, Dra Bombase asked me to clean the wound of my patient.

...and while doing it, I smiled at the irony God has given to me.



I was washing the patient's feet.

In that very moment, with betadine on ulcerated lesions of a congestive heart failure patient...

I...

felt

like

Jesus.



It was, in every little sense, very humbling.

It might not be as rockstar-Jesus as I have imagined it to be, but it hit me in such an unexpectedly perfect way. And from there, I remembered what I'm here for.





To be Jesus.

without the beard.