ilang taon pa?

Ilang taon pa?

 

Ito siguro ang pinaka gasgas na tanong sa mga Med Student tuwing may family reunion.

 

Ilang taon pa, dok?

 

Mapapaisip ka eh. Madalas, sinasagot ko nalang, “matagal pa.” – pero so far, sa pagkakaalala ko, mayroon nang 3 taong namatay na bago man lang ako nagka-role sa pagligtas ng buhay nila – lahat sila sinabi, sana maabutan ko daw silang magamot. E pano pa pala kung pagpapalaki lang ng boobs at pambobotox sa mga gurang lang ang kapapadparan kong linya? Ano nalang sasabihin ng mga may kanser na lalapit sakin, “dok, tulong naman, may cancer po ako”

 

Malamang ang masasagot ko ay, “uhmm, ‘Nay, taga gawa lang po ako ng suso at taga higop ng taba. Ang best ko pong magagawa sa inyo ay gawin kayong maganda bago mamatay” – syempre hindi pwede yun diba?

 

Back to the story. 3 na silang namatay. 3 na close sa akin pero. marami pang ibang nagsabi sakin noon na, “pag doctor ka na, ikaw gagamot sakin ah?”, na hindi ko maalala kung sino-sino  pero may ilan dun na namatay na rin. Madalas kasi akong sinasama ng tatay ko sa mga pasyente nya sa probinsya lalo na pag mga kamag-anak. Nakakatuwa sila magpasalamat kay daddy. Karamihan walang pambayad (at malamang ndi na pinapagbayad pag kamag-anak) pero makikita mo naman na yung yakap nila kay daddy ay daig pa ang tuko sa kakakapit. Parang wowowee pero hindi scripted at hindi pinlano. Last week nga lang may pinuntahan kaming pasyente, binigyan nila kami ng native na manok as PF. Nakakatuwa yung fulfillment kung nagpapasalamat sila… Mas lalong nakakatuwa kung may magaling magluto dun sa bahay na binisita namin dahil pinaghahandaan nila pag andun kami. Panalo. Pero, dont get me wrong, nakakatuwa pa rin kung nagbabayad din sila. :p

 

Minsan napapayuko nalang ako kakaisip kung ilang taon pa nga ba. Mas lalo akong napapayuko pag tumitingin sakin ang mga magulang ko pag tinatanong yun. Matagal kasi... tapos pinatagal ko pa. Ang kapal ng mukha ko kasi - Delayed kasi ako sa Med. Irregular student. Syempre masakit pero im trying to put on a brave-face. Hindi nalang siguro ako nagpapaapekto kasi wala na talaga akong magagawa. Irregular student. Patabaing baboy na maluwag ang sched pero bopols pa rin sa Acad Performance. nakaputi at minsan may bitbit na stethoscope kahit di marunong magdetect ng normal heartbeat o murmur. Pero, oo nga pala, hindi sa pagkairreg ko ang dapat pagusapan sa blog na to. Napapaisip lang ako sa napakatagal na panahong ginugugol mo para lang sa punyetang “to help humanity” na yan. I-compute nga natin:

 

4 years Premed

+ 4 years Med (minsan 5, minsan 6, minsan 6 ½, minsan 7)

+ 1 Year Internship (what the hell is this for?)

+ 4 months review for boards

+ 3 months bum 

+ 1 month pre-residency

+ 3-4 years residency

+ 3-4 years subspecialty or fellowship.

 

May suma total na umaatikabong 15 Years kung di ka madedelay, hindi magmomoonlight galore, at tuloy tuloy ang pag asenso mo from one stage to another. After nun, hahanapin mo pa ang practice mo. Pambihira.

 

Kaya hindi ko rin masisi ang mga doctor kung bakit bonggang bongga sila maningil ng pasyente. Sinakripisyo nila ang prime of their life para lang sa siyensya at lisensya. Makakamiss ng mga mahahalagang milestones ng inaanak nila. Hindi makakabonding ang mga kapatid nila. Mamimiss ang birthday ng bestfriend. Natulog sa sinehan habang nakikipagdate sa syota. Ininda nila ang napakaraming tanong nga mga kamag-anak nila tuwing reunion para lang iexplain sa kanila kung gano katagal maging ganap na doctor.  Yun ay kung nakakapunta pa kami sa mga family reunions – kung walang exam sa susunod na mga araw. Isinantabi muna ng karamihan samin na isipin ang paggawa ng pamilya, o pagnenegosyo. Imbes na mag retire na ang magulang namin, humihingi pa kami ng limpak limpak na salapi para lang mapahirapan at magpuyat. At bumagsak. At laitin ng consultant. At maging adik sa kape. At maging manhid.

 

So, ilang taon pa? Madalas ang sinasagot ko nalang ay, “matagal pa po” Syempre may mga taong hindi pa satisfied sa sagot ko kaya sasabihin kong, magSuSurgeron ako, Ortho siguro o Kidney transplant. TCVS kung mapagtiyatiyagaan. Kung papalarin.

 

Hindi pa yun ang end ng story syempre. Madami nang itatanong sa iyo as if you know everything. May magtatanong kung bakit di gumagaling ang sugat nila. Kung pano magkakaAids. Kung paano dadayain ang urine drug test. Kung ikamamatay ba niya ang pagkain ng Crispy Pata kanina kasi nagbublurr ang paningin nya. Kung nakakamatay ba ang pagputok ng pigsa. Kailangan ba ng prescription para makabili ng Cytotec. Normal lang bang magka almuranas. Kung totoo ba ang vaginismus ni john Lloyd at Shaina. Ano nga daw ba ang Vaginismus? Kapareho lang ba yun ng nangyayari pag natapos magtalik ang mga aso? Edi sabuyan nalang sila ng asin? May nagtaong pa nga kung brod ko ba si Hayden Kho. (mukha ngang exaggerated to pero I can swear on my life na tinanong talaga sakin tong mga to)

 

90% ng mga tinatanong sa amin, hindi namin masasagot ng maayos. Kung masagot man, at may ipeprescribe kaming gamot, kadalasan hindi namin alam ang dosage, o most of the time, kailangan pa ng further testing para makumpirma ang diagnosis. In short – nagmumukha lang nonsense. Or nagmarunong lang pero hindi nakatulong. Minsan may mae-elibs na kamag-anak kasi andami ko na daw alam pero sa loob loob ko, hindi lahat din ng nasabi ko ay sigurado ako. Hehe. Mas marami pang alam ang Wikipedia.

 

Hindi ko na magets ngayon kung bakit ko sinusulat tong thoughts na to. Lalong nakakatawang isipin na ipopost ko ito para mabasa ng maraming tao. Siguro ang point ko lang:

 

Ilang taon pa? Huwag na siguro nating bilangin.

 

Tutal naman, kahit papano, enjoy naman dahil sa magaganda kong kaklase, nanlilibreng ka-subsec pag birthday, freebies pag med week, at oo nga pala, enjoy dahil makikita mo ang mundo mula sa kaliit-liitang chromosome hanggang sa pandaigdigang epidemya. Kahit papano alam naming may bunga ang pagtanda sa loob ng pader ng paaralan. Sabi nga ni Miley Cyrus, It’s the Climb. Sabi nga ng Brod kong si Jappy Castillo, “Ang Medicine, hindi pabilisan kundi pasarapan”

 

Corny nga naman kung balang araw, nagising ka nalang na may suot ng white coat naka embroider ang pangalan mo tapos may, “MD” at kung anu ano pang karugtong. Kailangan na talagang paghirapan. Masakit isipin  at sabihin pag hindi pa tapos. Mahirap gawin pag ginagawa palang. Pero masarap balikan pag tapos na. Maaapreciate ko nalang siguro tong mahabang paglalakbay na ito in Retrospect nalang.

 

Ilang taon pa? Tinatanong nila yun sayo kasi marami silang umaasa. Minsan kahit hindi mo choice magpaasa, umaasa sila. Nagtitiwala sila. Inaabangan ka nila. Kaya mas lalong bumibigat ang responsibilidad. Pero mas lalong sasarap ang tagumpay. Mas lalong tumitindi ang pressure. Pero syempre, smile pa rin sa harap nila. Ganyan talaga ang buhay showbiz – i mean – buhay natin.

----

So, pag nasettle na yung tanong na iyon. Either masasagot ko, or maiiwas sa ibang tanong. Makakahinga ng konti... maya maya (lalo na ang matatanda) Ibabato naman nila sa akin ang isa pang napakalaking tanong na wala na akong balak sagutin pa sa blog na ito.

 

 

KELAN KA MAG-AASAWA?

 

Kamusta naman.

a tale of two cities

Four Years since I changed that relationship status in Friendster from plural to singular. Now that everyone has evacuated that once nice place, it's still the same label I got until now, and maybe tomorrow. and tomorrow... But no, I'm not complaining. It's just that, tonight, i heard from her again...

----

she "o bakit wala pa rin?!"

me "sabi ko sayo diba, hahanapin ko muna sarili ko. aayusin. para naman di ko maulit sa iba mga mali ko sayo"

"ang tagal mo naman hanapin yang sarili mong yan"

inside me "punyeta ka kasi eh"

 actual reply "eh matagal eh."

---

She was far now from what she was when we were us. now with a good income with her dream job which i never thought she could do. now Married, whom I wished before it'd be 'Edejer' on her last name, but no. And now with a Kid. A cute little kid which is expected. She was talking like a mother and a married woman and a fulfilled professional - which is, well, at some point, she really is. And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, I could say, I'm happy for her.

But what she said during the chat struck me."Ang tagal mo naman hanapin sarili mo"

There wasn't a mark of anything from our last conversation in flesh years ago. Maybe she forgot all the pain she induced. Maybe she didn't know how bad it was at all. Or maybe matagal naman talaga. Bakit nga ba ang tagal? --- I think I could fathom the latter maybe more than the first maybes.

And then, I remembered the pain. In retrospect. the Pain without the feeling. Objectively, i remembered it.

The pain that made me run away. The pain that made me write bloody blogs. The pain that made me grow up. The one that made me better. 

That pain that hurts. That hurt more. And ultimately, hurt no more.

She probably had forgotten it. But that's her. And i'll let her be.

As for me, i realized sometimes, it lingers. Not in the sense that there is still something on her - definitely no. But something, in the sense na, everything falls into pieces once the fear of a repeat of what happened is looming. That Trust has just become a brand of condoms - cheap, flavored, one time use. There's still that broken shard of glass that remains in me that is more than just a souvenir of how broken i was. A reminder to be careful. To be watchful... But I know that when the spell strikes once again, I'd be this dumb ass dude again.

 

So what now?

 

(text above: written a few months ago.)

(text below. today 3:09AM, ends 3:40)

There were two cities. Who were once One. They both benefited each other, and in time, they loved the company of each other. They were so close that he doesnt even have to whisper to tell her what he feels because his eyes tell it all. That he breathes in what she breathes out. That her hands, on his chest, was his hand. That when he closes his eyes, she falls asleep. (yes, I got that from Spongecola and Pablo Neruda)

 

But there came a time where one city has to progress, leaving the other city behind. She needs to upgrade. She needs new stuff. She needs fresh air. She needs to evolve. As for the other city, he didn't quite understand why. And it took him a long time to just ask the heavens for some reason behind it. Maybe he has to be the sacrificial lamb for the other city to progress. He has thought She has evolved using him. He was left out and he doesn't have She to rise with. So, he let her be. He doesnt understand but he let her be.

Today. After a long time. The left-out city, has found its spirit again. He tried to look everywhere near and far, only to find out that what he was looking for was just within. through finding it, He realized It was not the old city/self he once knew - it's a different one, a lot better one. he realized that that city has to be destroyed first so that one can build a better one. a stronger one. a deeper one. a city where there is an eternal sunshine emanating in the middle of it. Where there is a pool of hope and faith and radiance in every corner of that wonderful place. That in finding it's spirit and self back, he gained a brand new one. In losing everything, he gained everything. It doesnt need to be found after all. It just need to be awakened. And that city is now better than ever.

This is a tale of two cities where one destroyed the other in pursuit of the city's progress. The destroyed-one thought for a while that he was a victim of the process. But now, the once-destroyed city gives Thanks the one who destroyed him. for without that state of calamity, he would not have be standing strong right now. Beaming with pride, standing on a pedestal where he deserves to be.

There were two cities who were once One, but now, they are two totally different Cities.

And they are a lot better off that way.

And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, He could say, I'm happy for her.

and He is happy for what's in store for himself, too.

 

 

(weird that i compared it to cities)

(okay, i need to effing sleep)

Thinking out Loud

Broken Chain

 

I broke 2 self-imposed traditions. First is the annual obligatory Thanksgiving blog every Birthday. Although I am and always been thankful of the blessings I get every year, I just didn’t feel like there’s something new and blogworthy. Second is this little secret that I do every year (and only a few people knows this) - I write a letter to myself for my next birthday – my expectations, wishes, questions for the year that will come, and hopefully answering them by the time I’ll read it one year later. Got that idea from time capsules, but there’s a minimum of 5 years daw pag time capsule, so I made it an annual letter to myself. I didn’t made one last year so I didn’t receive one this year. And, where did I put those letters anyway? It was so organized last year. Until Ondoy came. Now I don’t remember where they are. So it didn’t matter anymore if I make one. Nakakatamad na din. Corny na rin kasi. Maybe this is another sign of getting old.

 

Looking back I have seen so much changes. The way I write, the way I think, my priorities, my obsessions, passions, routines, the people around me. 10 years ago, when I was 14, I never would have imagined me to be this one like now. I expected differently. I overshot my expectations. I thought by 21 I’d get my first million, first car, first house, and all the chicks I can get. Somewhere along the way, the illusion died out. I realized my name is not Justin Bieber.

 

Maybe there’s a kid in me that died as I grew up. I sometimes forget to wear my eyes of colors and generators of my spontaneous thoughts. I kind of lost my corny emo self (believe me, bawas na tong pagkacorny and emo ko ngayon). But then again, maybe that kid in me have to die to give way to a more realistic eye to the world and a more mature set of beliefs. One where I should be more cautious in everything I say (thank you to the Squealers who told my parents I’ve been cursing on facebook.) One where I should weigh all options before choosing one. And if I land on a decision, I have to be firm by it no matter what. I guess I have to let go of some standards I’ve set for myself cause they blind me for a probable better something or someone I am yet to see. And I hope it’s not too late.  Maybe, one way or another, we really need to have something to die in us so that other ways could live. Maybe they’ve served enough in our system for a certain time, now that we times have changed, we have to change some of the ways, or sometimes totally replacing them. Not that we don’t like them anymore, it’s just that we have to move on. Not that we’re throwing the old away, but we have to make way for Change. We have to. Either that, or we crumble. Evolve or expire. Step up, or make the same mistakes all over again.  Most of the time, people choose the latter. But life is just so great that they still give us chances to be better. That even though we make lame decisions in the past, one way or another, we are given chances for redemption. And if we fail again, we’re given chances to succeed again.

 

Damn it, I talk like an old man. And my blogs are becoming pointless. Sigh.

 

One thing that I will try my best not to change – is my passion for writing. Even though nangangalawang na.

 

At least I tried. :D

it's just one of those nights...

i miss falling in love.

it's been a long, long time. i miss having that special kiss. that special someone. i miss having someone on my shoulder who can lean on me. I miss protecting a girl and telling her that everything's gonna be alright. I miss buying flowers. I miss thinking of surprises. I miss the feel of getting jealous over some ugly guy.

i miss falling in love. i miss that feeling. i miss saying "I love you", and I miss hearing, "I love you too"

I miss getting into fights. and strategizing how to make it up for her. how her voice makes my day all better. how her smile makes me feel alright. I miss Love. I miss how it magically makes me wake up with Her as my first thought, and how just the thought of her tucks me in to bed, smiling. I miss smiling out of nowhere just because I think of her. 

I miss staring into someone's eyes and just adore her for who she is. I miss having a love story to write about, to tell someone about. to brag about. I miss having a girl who perfectly fits my hands on hers - as if it's custom made. I miss just being close to a special girl - that she breathes in what i breathe out - and all i can see is her face - and all i can smell is her hair - and all i can hear is her breath... So close, that her hand on my chest, is my hand. So close, that we'd be like congenital twins, beating in one heart.

I miss reading messages over and over again just to bring me back good memories. I miss waiting for someone for a long time yet when you see how stunning she is, it makes the wait worth it. I miss looking at the stars, hoping that she's looking at the same star, too. Or at least hoping that she's looking at the sky in the first place. I miss telling everyone how great my girl is. I miss being in love. Like madly, deeply, sincerely in love. So in love that I want the world to stop when it's just Her and I.

I miss dating. I miss kilig moments. I miss monthsaries, and anniversaries. I miss growing and learning from someone. I miss making love letters and poems. I miss making blogs about you. I miss missing someone. I miss this overrated four letter word. I miss Love. Goddamn Love. And for the record, It's been a long time since I want to write about Love, per se, but I don't want to at the same time for I don't want it to be limited by just words.

I miss the times when I still believe...
that there's that someone out there, with the same heartbeat as mine.

Insignia

When we ask for a sign to God, we often wish for a burning bush or a face of God in the clouds or a chariot of flames crossing the street – we often wish for something grand... something undeniable that it overwhelms us that we cannot deny that it is indeed the sign. Something heaven delivered just for you. Something god-sent.

And while we look for that moment, we sometimes neglect tiny details in our lives that when collectively taken, they could be the one you are looking for. Whether it’s from a lyrics in a song you’re listening to in your ipod, or from a script in a movie now being played. Sometimes we don’t even need words. It could be from a smile of your baby brother, or a warm, warm hug from a loved one, telling you over and over (and over) that you are forever loved and everything will be fine.

Last Friday, I posted in my account a prayer. I asked for a sign. And I had the whole facebook community hear about it. 5 minutes later, I heard good news through a friend. It kind of like addressed one of my worries. Of course, for my friend, the words doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely God-sent. “Aba, Lord, ambilis ah?”

The day after, someone said to me, “Don’t think too much about it. You’re being useless ” – again, of course, the words doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely God-sent. I thought about it hard, and realized one thing: God will not forsake me. He has a plan for me. God Loves me. And whatever I am thinking, and over thinking - worries, fears, pressure -is just making me more useless, and old, and ugly (oh God, could I be more uglier?) – so I have to think otherwise. I have to think on Faith, and Hope, and Joy, and Peace. So, while travelling to zambales, with my laptop in my lap, pausing what I was watching, I closed my eyes, and said a prayer that is a little harder and deeper than my usual prayers. I realized that I didn’t need to look for a sign. I didn’t need to look for it because it is within me. And it has always been within me.

So I thanked God for that, then I opened my eyes to resume watching, “LOST” – and of all scenes of all seasons of Lost, the next scene came out as if it was written by God just for me (and of course, I’ll edit it a little bit to become blogworthy):

“This is the Light, 
the warmest and brightest you’ve ever seen or felt, 
and this light is present in every man. 
Some people will try put out your light. 
Do not let them. 
Because if this light goes out, 
it goes out everywhere”

I was in awe of what I’ve just seen. Just as I accepted a while ago that it’s ok not to have a grand sign, and that it is within me - there goes this message through a line in LOST. Again, for someone else, the words doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely Godsent. So smiled big, and thanked God again. But it didn’t end there.
After watching that episode of Lost, i played my ipod. And of all songs. And of all lyrics, I just pressed play – and this came out:

Gising na, kaibigan
Bangon na, harapin mo ang Silangan na
di mo ba naaaninag, sa dulong abot tanaw?
Gunita’y sumisigaw?
Ikaw ang anak ng araw.

And Amazingly, the next song too:

I think i’ll follow the voice that calls within,
dance through the silent song it sings.
I hope to find my place,
so my life will fall in place
I know in time ill find my place
in the Greater Scheme of things.

Another whammy. I was just wowed. And my smile became wider than the one ago. Again, for someone else, the lyrics doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely God-sent. I said, “OK God, I get it” (i said it silently of course, haha)

And JUST AS I AM ABOUT TO FINISH THIS BLOG – oh God oh God – as if God conspired the whole universe for this to happen – at this moment – the sun is setting. Hindi ko sinadya na umupo sa side ng table na kaharap ang dagat, di ko talaga planong manood ng sunset (wala nga, nawala nga sa isip ko na sunset na pala eh.) But... WOW. As in WOW. It’s like the light that they talk about it LOST – na kakasulat ko lang kanina, and then, parang ito na yun – LIVE. Naiiyak ako pero magmumukha akong tanga pag umiiyak ako habang asa harap ng dagat at nagttype kaya pinigilan ko nalang :D It is one of the most perfect sunsets i’ve ever seen. If there is such a word more perfect than ‘perfect’ – it would be this perfection. No clouds, or land, or trees to block it away. Just the clear and classic sun-kissing-the-sea

For the record, I’ve been wanting to watch this ‘complete sunset’ the whole summer but there were clouds/other stuff that block it. Anyone who reads my blog knows how important the sunset is to me. And today, God gave me a perfect one, in the perfect moment, in the perfect setting, in the perfect time.

The warm breeze. The comforting sand on my feet. The clapping of the waves. And The sun – oh God, the sun – the Light - the warmest and brightest I’ve ever felt.
Maybe this is what they call, “In God’s time.”

And then, in that perfect moment, I cried. 
And wiped the tears right after so no one else would see. :p

God is sooo damn Good.

+BIL

thoughts over the sunset

Im the guy who never lost his fetish for the Sunset

I live in front of the beach and i always make it a point that no matter how busy i am, at the end of the day, I'd still lie on the sand, bury my feet on them and watch the sunset as if im watching it the first time. Most of the time I'll bring along a camera with me, and even though it's the same sun, same beach, and same sunset over again, i'd still take pictures of it. My mom said i was born while the sun was setting. Maybe that explains the obsession. Maybe whenever I see that ball of fire setting, I am born again.

Last holy week was indeed, holy. Although I didnt attend any religious activity (and im realizing it just now, sorry God), I had my special kinds of prayer. I pray through my connection with the sea and the crisp of that warm zambales air. I close my eyes and feel solace. I feel whole. If I could levitate through joy and peace in my heart, and additional happy thoughts like Peter Pan, I'd probably hover for a long time without needing a pixie from tinkerbell.

Sunsets are god damn beautiful. I love the way the way it changes the tone of the sky. They way the sun allows you to look directly at him after being aggressive the whole day. And then as in sets, the stars start to assemble. And the moon slowly takes charge over the sky. And the tides swiftly change while the wind kisses me.It's as if God sent them to carefully caress my cheek. 

God has indeed great ways of tapping us in the back, to say, "It's OK." In that moment, there was no need for words, or any grand sign, or a distinct song. All i need to do, is to look inside, remind me of what i still have, and what life has in store for me. And after that, I'll feel ok. 
I know this life ahead is gonna be great. It's what the Sun told me tonight, that in the break of light, hope will spring eternal. It's what the stars told me, that in the darkest of hours, they shine the brightest. It's what the moon told me, that even a weak pull of gravity gives you the power to change the tides...

Maybe i've made mistakes these past few sems, or shifts, or life. But then again, we all make mistakes. Maybe sometimes, life just fucks you. That's why nobody dies a virgin. 
Regrets, heartaches, and bad decisions - hopefully they all wash away someday... Lessons. they engrave it inside you and rewire you, and make you who you are. They become a part of you. They become you... I'm tired of finding a reason to all these. Maybe i just have to go with the flow and follow the process without overthinking them too much. Without wallowing in pity or sadness. I have to go with the flow, and I have to do it with still my head up and receive what life has in store for me with open arms.



I will still fight a good fight.
I will finish this race.
And I will keep the Faith.

blame it on Cobra Energy Drink.

my mind. and heart. and probably my soul wants to sleep tonight but due to an alteration in my rhythm, no matter how hard i try, i can't sleep. What does that 500mL Bottle full of carbonated sugar have anyway? I want to sleep. I need to sleep, because tomorrow, I need to be awake. I dont want it to be the other way around.

Just Like my Days...

Last weekend was DWTL 76. The DWTL weekend has always been something I look forward to. It gives me a sense of recharge, and kind of grounding, and re-attuning with the things that really matter. I love the way the Days magic flows, how it's been done repetitively yet each batch is distinct.

Friday night, my good friend, ate Dorx and I were talking about how i am reaching a plateau of Days high. And how I'm losing myself- losing my blogging self, losing my edge, losing my "mojo", losing sanity, losing hope -- the only thing that im not losing is my weight. If only all these losses could be converted to pounds. Ate Dorx' answer was just one simple statement: "There is no such thing as losing it" 

It's just a matter of focus. Of having a disturbed attention span. my mojo or my optimum self or my edge, or whatever i call it -- it's really just here. it's never gone. it's not even hiding. it's right in front of me. It just needs polishing. A charcoal burns when it's near a flame. Yet when you pull it away from the fire, the heat wears down, you grow cold. but then, all you have to do is go back to the flame. not necessarily at the core of it, but somewhere near. as long as you'll get enough heat to keep you warm. maybe just enough heat you need to get by. this has been Days for me right now. A rewarming of the cold sedentary medical student that i've becoming lately. A beautiful slow motion, far away from this fast track.

It's funny that as i type this, Itunes has chosen one of my favorite DWTL songs...

look at all my trials and tribulations, sinking in a gentle pool of wine

don't disturb me now, i can see the answers,

till this morning, till this evening, life is fine.

God has funny ways of making us smile. In this case, it didnt just made me smile, it somehow made me lacrimate... You see, I'm getting weary of this reace. I may be a humunguous obese individual, but i'm still human. And fragile (hehe) And sensitive. And innocent. (oops?) I'm tired of computing numbers just to reach 74.5. or that goddamn remediable 69.5. It's the time when we start to break. We get drowned in exams. We Sometimes we get caught too much with chasing whatever we are running for that we forget what really matters. I realized na nung January pa pala ako huling nakapasok ng simbahan. And then... Pharma. Pharma. Pharma. Don't get me started -- ok -- tama na ang Pharma rants. 

Back to my Days - the Saturday night i was 80% silent the whole time. Parang kailan lang, ako yung nagDadays at wala akong kaproble problema nun, parang last year lang kasama ko sila Geli and my Kids para maexperience to, tignan mo na sila ngayon, yung iba sa kanila 3rd time staffer na, merong Head na, meron namang walang kasawa sawang recuit nang recruit at balik nang balik. It made me proud. And the great thing is theyre not doing it for me, or for their friends, or for whoever, theyre doing it for Him.

And, oo nga naman, imbes na nag-aaral kami sa bahay o gumagawa ng iba pang bagay, bakit nga ba namin mas piniling magvisit sa Days? For some, it's an escape, for some, refuge. For some, they try to remember themselves, some come to forget. We all have different reasons yet  we have found something in here that is worth coming back for. For me, it's the High. 

That night, i realized that it's not about finding time for something, but it's making time for it.

That in your darkest moments, it is where your light shines the brightest

And He will always be with you. Everytime. Every time. 

Pagkuwi ng bahay, I didnt sleep right away. Before i slept and made out with my Patho Slides, i said a long long prayer. But this time, it was not a prayer of need, or request, or questioning. This time, my prayer was bursting with only one thing: Gratitude. For every single thing. For my parents, my siblings, my brods,for my friends, for my laptop, for the Food Kia gave to me earlier. Thankful for songs i heard that night, for the things i need to cram for tomorrow, and yes, even for Pharma, I was thankful.

Our crosses were built and designed specially for us. They are made to order special fit that would exactly embrace your shoulder and the enough weight to keep our feet on the ground. Some crosses are gradually increasing in weight, some are intermitently shitty, maybe some crosses are glow in the dark, some are scented, some are unconvenietly long, or thick (now, where the hell did i get these ideas?) But I know one thing: Crosses make us suffer, yes, yet it brings us the best -- and i mean the -- F---cking best in us. Brings out something that we dont know that we have. 

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Cobra is wearing down. I'll try to sleep again. Studying for Pedia is the last choice for tonight. Kidding.