blame it on Cobra Energy Drink.

my mind. and heart. and probably my soul wants to sleep tonight but due to an alteration in my rhythm, no matter how hard i try, i can't sleep. What does that 500mL Bottle full of carbonated sugar have anyway? I want to sleep. I need to sleep, because tomorrow, I need to be awake. I dont want it to be the other way around.

Just Like my Days...

Last weekend was DWTL 76. The DWTL weekend has always been something I look forward to. It gives me a sense of recharge, and kind of grounding, and re-attuning with the things that really matter. I love the way the Days magic flows, how it's been done repetitively yet each batch is distinct.

Friday night, my good friend, ate Dorx and I were talking about how i am reaching a plateau of Days high. And how I'm losing myself- losing my blogging self, losing my edge, losing my "mojo", losing sanity, losing hope -- the only thing that im not losing is my weight. If only all these losses could be converted to pounds. Ate Dorx' answer was just one simple statement: "There is no such thing as losing it" 

It's just a matter of focus. Of having a disturbed attention span. my mojo or my optimum self or my edge, or whatever i call it -- it's really just here. it's never gone. it's not even hiding. it's right in front of me. It just needs polishing. A charcoal burns when it's near a flame. Yet when you pull it away from the fire, the heat wears down, you grow cold. but then, all you have to do is go back to the flame. not necessarily at the core of it, but somewhere near. as long as you'll get enough heat to keep you warm. maybe just enough heat you need to get by. this has been Days for me right now. A rewarming of the cold sedentary medical student that i've becoming lately. A beautiful slow motion, far away from this fast track.

It's funny that as i type this, Itunes has chosen one of my favorite DWTL songs...

look at all my trials and tribulations, sinking in a gentle pool of wine

don't disturb me now, i can see the answers,

till this morning, till this evening, life is fine.

God has funny ways of making us smile. In this case, it didnt just made me smile, it somehow made me lacrimate... You see, I'm getting weary of this reace. I may be a humunguous obese individual, but i'm still human. And fragile (hehe) And sensitive. And innocent. (oops?) I'm tired of computing numbers just to reach 74.5. or that goddamn remediable 69.5. It's the time when we start to break. We get drowned in exams. We Sometimes we get caught too much with chasing whatever we are running for that we forget what really matters. I realized na nung January pa pala ako huling nakapasok ng simbahan. And then... Pharma. Pharma. Pharma. Don't get me started -- ok -- tama na ang Pharma rants. 

Back to my Days - the Saturday night i was 80% silent the whole time. Parang kailan lang, ako yung nagDadays at wala akong kaproble problema nun, parang last year lang kasama ko sila Geli and my Kids para maexperience to, tignan mo na sila ngayon, yung iba sa kanila 3rd time staffer na, merong Head na, meron namang walang kasawa sawang recuit nang recruit at balik nang balik. It made me proud. And the great thing is theyre not doing it for me, or for their friends, or for whoever, theyre doing it for Him.

And, oo nga naman, imbes na nag-aaral kami sa bahay o gumagawa ng iba pang bagay, bakit nga ba namin mas piniling magvisit sa Days? For some, it's an escape, for some, refuge. For some, they try to remember themselves, some come to forget. We all have different reasons yet  we have found something in here that is worth coming back for. For me, it's the High. 

That night, i realized that it's not about finding time for something, but it's making time for it.

That in your darkest moments, it is where your light shines the brightest

And He will always be with you. Everytime. Every time. 

Pagkuwi ng bahay, I didnt sleep right away. Before i slept and made out with my Patho Slides, i said a long long prayer. But this time, it was not a prayer of need, or request, or questioning. This time, my prayer was bursting with only one thing: Gratitude. For every single thing. For my parents, my siblings, my brods,for my friends, for my laptop, for the Food Kia gave to me earlier. Thankful for songs i heard that night, for the things i need to cram for tomorrow, and yes, even for Pharma, I was thankful.

Our crosses were built and designed specially for us. They are made to order special fit that would exactly embrace your shoulder and the enough weight to keep our feet on the ground. Some crosses are gradually increasing in weight, some are intermitently shitty, maybe some crosses are glow in the dark, some are scented, some are unconvenietly long, or thick (now, where the hell did i get these ideas?) But I know one thing: Crosses make us suffer, yes, yet it brings us the best -- and i mean the -- F---cking best in us. Brings out something that we dont know that we have. 

------

Cobra is wearing down. I'll try to sleep again. Studying for Pedia is the last choice for tonight. Kidding.