Look back and move forward

I was 25. It was my birthday and I was supposed to be happy. I was on a church waiting for someone. It was getting dark and scary and gloomy, and I cannot decipher whether the waving trees were shooing me away or greeting me a happy birthday. Each minute became gloomier and wind was getting thicker, and the next thing I knew, I realized I was in a murder scene. It was that night when my Beleif was unmecifully massacred over and over again. She stabbed through my hopes, cut through my passions, and selfishly sucking ever hope I ever had, stealing all the air I could breathe and savagely kept it all to herself. Even though the killer was sure the victim was dead, she kept on stabbing him to rule out the possibility that someone might and could resuscitate him.

The police report was a total lie. The killer pretended to be a victim. She reported that it was the heart who killed her, leaving nothing but an awestruck deathscene whom I knew will haunt me over and over. and fucking over and over again. From then on, my beleif in love, soulmates, happy every afters, destinies were just complete and utter motherfucking bullshit... and so I thought.

I was 19. She told me to grow up and be a man. I understood exactly what she meant, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. We sat there in the same car, beside the same bus station. She still wore the same half smile and sweet scent  which started as "thanks sa paghatid" and ended up as, "I have to go, bus is leaving"

It was then I learned that Love grows. The jokes a year ago didnt sound as funny now, the giggles and smiles after all was not as perfect as I thought it was, we grew up but not at the same pace and same route. I learned that priorities and expectations will not always meet. It was then I learned the word 'compromise'. And knew what 'benefit of the doubt' means. learned that there are things that friends see that you don't.  I learned that sometimes, I leave not because I wanted to, but because we have to. Because I got what I needed to learn and she gave everything she could offer. And so did I. It was just that both of you needed to get enough space to grow, and that means growing up apart. From then on, I knew Love is evolving. Is a process. Love is a living breathing being that has demands, needs, likes and dislikes that changes year after year...

I was 17. I've just seen Moulin Rouge for the 8th time. It was then I fell in Love with the concept of Love against all odds, chances and gravity. Add Wicker Park and Mula sa Puso and Maging sino ka man and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind to the stirring pot of moviegenic love beleifs and I knew I have the formula to how to make myself an Oscar Award Film. It was then I learned, Love makes sacrifices. and sometimes one also has to gamble to win big. or lose big.

I was 14. I was asked to change schools because Dad will be practicing in Olongapo and my answer was a resounding no. I gave all the reasons known to man. All excuses I could invent, all names of friends I could mention. But they didnt knew it was because of one special girl. They didn't know it was because of her. But neither did she. It was then I learned conviction. And false hopes.

I was 11. I was reading the book, Conversations with God. I've always thought that that book was too heavy and too technical even for me until now. So I just made it a hypnotic ritual to read every insomniac night until I drown in the words and fall asleep. But at the end of the first chapter, I knew I was living this life for a reason. For it said it was not mere coincidence that I was here reading that page, for God has heard my questions about God and Life and Love and School and People, and made all the serendipities in sync to that moment. It was then I learned that there are no coincidences, that there is a plan, that God always sends saviors whenever I get lost from too much exploring.

I was 5. Dad and I were standing at the Balcony of the third floor of our old P.Noval apartment. We were looking across the skyline, just him and I. Then he taught me how to whistle. He first pushed air from his mouth and a few moments later a gush of wind passed by in response. It was pure magic. I thought he was God who can summon the air by just whistling. And when it was my turn, a few tries and a few saliva later, the wind was kissing my cheek. It was pure magic, and I thought I was God. It was then I learned I was made in the image and likeness of God. I tried again, but this time, no air responded back. And again. And again, until I heard Dad's whistle backed me up. Together we whistled and his loud tweet perfectly matched my high pitched immature sound. The wind answered back with a loud, comforting push strong enough to deliver a message... that no matter how alone I might feel, someone will always back my whistle up and get the things I ask for. It was then, too, I learned that I will always be loved. It was then I was reminded the power of wishful dreaming and getting those dreams. It may cost a try or two, but I know I will get there. All I have to do is to Believe.


Now I am about to turn 26. What have I learned thus far?

The word out there will hand you fliers of malice and slip doubt under your doorstep. They will look down on you and render you incapable of being who you are and what you are destined. Let them be. I am a man way too big to be belittled, a I have a curiosity farther than any space probe can explore, and an ego too stubborn from any bullying, pushing and shoving.

I learned, like in Surgery, that sometimes one has to hurt before one heals. And that wound healing is a process. Some wounds take longer than others, and there are wounds that leave scars to remind you of what mistakes not to do again.

I learned that we are a summation of everything that we've learned when we were 25, 19, 17, 14, 11, 5 and everything in between. And as years will come, I'll embrace all the good things that life will throw at me and all the shit that comes with it.

And when the time comes that I will again forget what I am here for, when people will try to murder my beleifs, when failure comes laughing at the car window, and when the wind comes dry in the third floor balcony, I have to look back, 26 years, and 9 months ago....

I was a sperm. I was on a mission. But I didn't know what I was there for, and didn't know where to go. All I knew back then was that I was brought there out of Love. Pure chromosomal love brought by passionate thrusts and burning conviction. I was the strongest and the most able among millions and millions that raced beside me. I survived a hostile environment that designed to reject me. I was in a dark uterine labyrinth of pointing down on me. I was on a journey with an unknown timeframe and uncertainty...
but despite the darkness and bullying and competition and pointing down and fatigue and the millionth of probabilities...

I lived. 
And I am here

and until now, I am on a Mission.