this drought

this dry spell is taking it's toll on me. a lot of people are always asking me about it, but i keep on saying a variety of answers or excuses why not. so what's my answer anyway to that?

my most common excuse?

"i'm just too busy studying to think about her"

busy? bullshit.

it's funny when exams week end. specially after for almost a month long exams. when it all end, you'll fin yourself thinking the other day, "uhm, may dapat ba akong basahin?", "ano nga bang exam bukas?", "may dapat bang tapusin?" it's the post-exams syndrome. now i have so much time to catch up. so much to think over.

for a constant stimuli to be slammed on you everyday, even after it stopped, you'll feel like it's still there. so, let's go back to the drought. the dry spell. it's been quite. uhmm. oh. my god. i can't recall. since my last relationship. probably a year since a pseudo one. and the next thing closest to that would be a poke from someone in facebook, or a silly smile not intended for me by my crush/es. those stuff really means nothing but i'm forced to think that it's something so that ill feel a little bit kilig. crap. pathetic. it's not that i'm totally zero for the past years, but, there's just no one consistent. no one repetition. no fireworks or chuvachuchu moments. so this  is how a pizza tastes like without the toppings. it's all the cheeze and the crust and no thrill in it at all. for the past months, all were just appetizers or side dishes in this stupid game.

there were times that new one's are just coming right in front of me... but in those instances, find myself uninterested anymore to this game. it's becoming boring. monotonous. no challenge. or maybe it's just that i have curved my standards to a certain extent that the "ideal girl" suddenly just becomes just that: an idea. and that it's just never real. this drought sucks. but i have no choice. i have no right to complain. and yes, it may sound so hypocritical, but i chose this status. and it's not showing any symptom of changing my status at facebook from single to in a relationship with blablabla. no, i am not self pitying. no i am not sourgraping. i'm just stating my observations. i'm merely interpolating what happened in the past with the present, now i can more or less the this future picture. it's just plain simple truth. and the truth hurts.

but then again, because of this drought... of this ridiculous peer pressure... of society's expectations, i have learned to love myself more than ever before. i suppose it's defense mechanism. you dont love anyone romantically = no one loves you = so, you'll just... self stimulate... err.. love yourself. I have learned to appreciate how i appreciate life. I have learned how to love myself that i loved myself too much, and yes, it just follows, that you love yoursef, and the world will fall in love with you. I have learned to get over my insecurities and insert humor with it. i had more time for myself. my family. my friends. my brods. and myself again. see? i love myself too much.

so whenever this drought will come to an end, im sure i'd gladly move on from this dry to the wet phase (no pun intended) and still keep what i've learned from this drought.

She was right. not just one, but almost all of my exes were right.

I still have a lot to learn.

there's so much of life ahead. and so much things to learn.and when the time comes for the next. or the next, or the next next...

i will then have found what i've been looking for. whatever that is.

and i will.