Dear God

Dear God.

How are you? I hope you're fine. Well, let's cut the crap, shall we?

For the past semester I wouldnt say I'm as faithful as you want me to be. Let's just say I'm lacking prayers. When I'm late for my class I just pass by your chapel and wink at you. I know, God, I look like a jerk. Walk by the chapel, sign of the cross, and then, wink? Who am I to do that? the Pope? Brad Pitt? my God. Seems like the only days I hang out in the chapel more are the days when we have Pharma tests. Yes, I pass by sometimes to say Thank You for me doing good, and rant most of the time when the test is bad. And probably forget you the rest of the week. The bottom line is, I'm an ass. And I'm sorry.

Tonight, God, I am once again afraid. And there is no better way i know of expressing it than writing this. I tried watching movies, talking to friends, watching TV, playing computer, but it seems like it just can't get off my head. I am hoping that after this, you'll tuck me in to bed with a peace of mind, with all the positivity in the Universe, and when I wake up, hear Good News...

Because tomorrow, a judgment is coming down upon us. From a distance, I'm kind of silly of thinking about this, because my grades are relatively better that my frist year in Med, but still, it's the wait that kills me. It's the paranoia that kills me. It's this fear that keeps me up all night. I really really want to sleep. I'd rather break up with her many many times than bear this post-semestral blues. At least in a break-up, I'm more used to it. .. But tomorrow, the grades for Surgery and Anesthesiology will be submitted to the office.

Lord, I know , I put a significant amount of effort on it kahit papano. I have this gut feeling that I will pass. I have written it on post-its, on my Vision Board, on every chamber of my heart. on my every sulci and gyri of my mind. That I will pass... But for this moment, I want to tell you that I'm afaid.That I'm gullible. I'm scared, God, I really am.

Oh my God (no, that's not an expression), all I ask, in the next hours, that the board bring Good News.

Amen.