It was the first week of Medschool. My jaw dropped because of expensive books that we had to buy and have to read. Because of the requirements that we had to do. Of the sudden shift of study habits, routines, schedule, and change in circadian rhythm. I know right then that what I am in for is far from being called a joke.
It was the first Biochem Long Exam. I shotgunned 20 items out of the 60 item quiz. 20-goddamn-items-of-absolute-cluelessness. I was so puzzled with those questions as if they've been written in hieroglyphics or mandarin. Each answer I clasped a prayer to make the most of the 25% probability that I might be right. And repeated the prayer 20 times. Of course, I failed that exam. It was when I started to have doubts.
It was the first Biochem Long Exam. I shotgunned 20 items out of the 60 item quiz. 20-goddamn-items-of-absolute-cluelessness. I was so puzzled with those questions as if they've been written in hieroglyphics or mandarin. Each answer I clasped a prayer to make the most of the 25% probability that I might be right. And repeated the prayer 20 times. Of course, I failed that exam. It was when I started to have doubts.
It was the last day of school. I have been taking exams every single day for the past month. My body was running on caffeine and clinging on the hope of even just reaching remedial exams. I was so tired, and I know I was getting desperate. It has all become a game of numbers. I wanted to give up.
It was a Friday. I took an exam that will determine if I will pass to the next year level or repeat and entire year. Unfortunately it's the latter. I have failed a major subject and it will cost me two semesters of enduring through that subject again. I wanted to quit medschool. I thought Med was not for me and I was incapable of being a doctor. I was miserable for 2 months. I wanted to quit. So bad.
It was a September and I knew I was so prepared for the Pharma Long Exam. 2 hours later, I felt like an incompetent student because no matter how I studied for it, it was still not enough for me to pass that horrific exam. Why does it have to be this hard?
It was my Nth Remedial Exams. Am I really dumb or everybody else is really smart?
There was another family reunion. I said Pass. My cousin were having a boys' night out. I said Pass. My friends were inviting me out to celebrate MY birthday. I said Pass. My bed was inviting me to sleep. I said Pass.
It was a Friday. I took an exam that will determine if I will pass to the next year level or repeat and entire year. Unfortunately it's the latter. I have failed a major subject and it will cost me two semesters of enduring through that subject again. I wanted to quit medschool. I thought Med was not for me and I was incapable of being a doctor. I was miserable for 2 months. I wanted to quit. So bad.
It was a September and I knew I was so prepared for the Pharma Long Exam. 2 hours later, I felt like an incompetent student because no matter how I studied for it, it was still not enough for me to pass that horrific exam. Why does it have to be this hard?
It was my Nth Remedial Exams. Am I really dumb or everybody else is really smart?
There was another family reunion. I said Pass. My cousin were having a boys' night out. I said Pass. My friends were inviting me out to celebrate MY birthday. I said Pass. My bed was inviting me to sleep. I said Pass.
It was a tiring duty. I was facilitating all referrals for my patient and all papers that needed to be accomplished. We attached a line directly to her heart that took hours for us to do so. I did not sleep the whole night. I saw the towering expenses her family had to pay just for one night at the ICU. We megadosed her with IV Antibiotics, but alas, my patient died.
A uremic patient entered the ER with rapid and shallow breathing and panicking for dear life. She needed a dialysis really bad. They have no money for the dialysis. As much as I wanted to help her, all I could do was watch her go out of the ER and find a hospital that could do it for her. I hope she's still alive. I could only hope.
It was after my Revalida. There was a crack in our relationship that was just mercifully shrugged so that it won't derail my game face for the big day. The crack grew and grew as the doubt she planted inside her only waited for the right time for it to break her image of me. After that, I never thought her thoughts went that far that I cannot catch up to it anymore. I asked why didn't she tell me about those doubts, she said she don't want to destroy me before I take my Revalida. She said it's better to break a heart that ruin a life. Credits to her for doing that. Was it the price of passing? Do I have to lose something to gain something else?
...
But despite everything... Despite all the years and extended years I've spent in medschool. Despite all the sacrifices, the numerous times I wanted to quit. Despite the heart aches that came along the way. Despite the clouds of doubt that hovered in my head for a long time. The weekends that I didn't go home, despite the failures in some subjects, despite some professors that shunned me and called me incapable, and despite myself who believed those thoughts...
It all doesn't matter now, because next week, I will finally Graduate.
Sabi nga ng Rivermaya, bukas sisikat din ang araw, ngunit para lang sa may tiyagang maghintay.Punyetang araw yan, ang tagal kong hinintay. No matter how long those nights were, and the times the grounds were shaky, God was always there to send something or someone to save me and keep myself intact. Sometimes, they were in the form of strangers, or brods, or classmates, or teachers. Sometimes, God speaks through the silence of the night when it is only you who are awake in your house, through a gentle breeze that pacifies you as you walk home from an all-night duty, through a cold beer soothing through your throat. God was there through all the dark times, and he was there, too, to share the great times. Through the times I knew I passed Pharma, the Thank Yous of my patients who had nothing else to give but that was more than enough, to the moment I passed Revalida. It was all worth it.
Why did it have to be this hard? Maybe it was meant to be that way so that there will be more things to discover about thyself. More things to learn, and more avenues to explore, more people to meet - so you come back home richer and fuller and with a more profound meaning to every little thing in this funny thing called life. I may not have understood it while I was inside the storm, but once I got out of it, the picture painted was so damn beautiful. It was here that I lost almost everything, but in the process, I also gained everything.
So if a younger version of me would ask, "kung bibigyan ka ba ng pagkakataong mag Med ulit, uulitin mo ba?"
My answer would be obvious, plain and simple.
"Ulul ka ba? Syempre hindi...
...Sapat nang pinagdaanan ko yan ng ganon katagal, at nagpuyat ng ganon kadami. Ayoko ngang magPharma at mag Epid ulit. Ayokong magRemedials ulit at mag hintay lagi ng listahan ng mga pangalang di mo alam kung gusto mong nandun ka o wala..."
Every Med student who will graduate with me has a story to tell. Why they wanted to become a doctor, the trials they faced to cross that path, and the people they have met who went through the same journey as one did. As we did. We went through duties together, admissions, conferences, and codes together. They all had their stories why and how they've touched this shore of graduation and all of them are worth telling and worth hearing.
But I'm sure, one way or another, we will mention that we want to become a doctor because the bottom line of it all, is that we want to help humanity. We want to become part of this profession which they call the noblest one of all. For me, Medicine is Love at first sight.
And let this Love be our gift to the world.
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