A Year Ago Today

A Year Ago...
The week of April 10, 2008.

If there is one week in Medschool that could singlehandedly determine your fate, it would be the week of remedial exams. Make or break. All or Nothing. Pass or Fail. No more second chances. It's the single exam that determines your stay in Med: Stay the same, stay longer, or goodblye. Last year, I took quite a lot. Passed most of it

... and on April 10, 2008, I found out that failed one: Physiology. 

This is where this story begins.



This blog was supposed to be written a year ago, just as that picture above was taken. It's just that i was too devastated to write the blog. A year ago I cannot wrap the reason behind the failure, how much more when i wrap it with words? I Failed an 8 Unit subject that will hold me back for a year. Ironic that Physiology is the only subject i PASSED during the first shift.

I dont want to relive the gory details. All I can tell and remember, is that, I locked myself inside the house for one whole week, spent 60% of the time sleeping, and the remaining percentage, I wished I was asleep. I forced myself to forget, but then again, i cannot forget that for it will get back to me sooner or later.

I didn't go to any outings that summer. except for one Laguna Escape. I didn't pursue any plans I had this summer. No advance readings or Gym memberships. No Plan. No Life. I just cultivated my thoughts on me, failing. me... failing. I was a failure.  i even considered the thought of quitting medschool that time. changing a career. or just, wished to die just to save me from the shame. i know. it's so emo. it's so me.

----


Come Physiology take 2.

They say love is sweeter the second time around. That's not true in Med. Because those ghosts of Signal Transduction, and Hormones, and Immunology haunted me again. Aby and Alay told me sila daw bahala sakin sa section nila. So kind of them. They made adapting to a new section become so easier. Section C 2012 has been great to us, they treated us as their own, and didn't marginalize us just because we are irregs. Thanks to them. Specially C5. Special mention to our buddies doon Sharon, Patacs, WINSTHTON, Nong, Iggy.. and of course, Aby and Alay. They made it a LOT easier for us. Love may not be sweeter the second time around, it wasnt that bitter either.

Fast Foward... Today.

I've always asked myself... What if I didnt fail that day? What if, im not 4, or 8, or 2 points short?  What if I passed last year's exams?... I probably would be struggling now, or preparing to wear a V-neck. My I haven't found myself yet.

This school year, because of the non-toxic sched, I became a part of Medisine, a lot of inumans, met a lot of friends, became closer to my siblings, bonded more with my parents and cousins became staff of UST DWTL 69 which put me perspectives right on track... And like what I've always said, I probably failed Physio last year so that It will make way to me to become R of USTDWTL70,hahaha. At DWTL 70, I relived my Days experience. And reminded me of the little wonders that i still have inside me. It reminded me of His plans. That little by little, I see the answers. All I have to do, is have faith, and believe. There is a plan. Basta Ikaw

Failures, are indeed not obstacles that we stumble upon. They are springboards for us to reach higher, and jump better.


---

So, as i was sitting there at the sand, under the orange-pinkish skies, and the waves, slightly pushing and pulling me. and as the sun unselfishly showers upon his final flecks of ultraviolet shade upon my toasted face, a smile has drawn upon my face for i realized something... this exact spot where I was sitting, was also the same spot that i chose to watch the sunset least year.

A year ago today,
I didnt believe in myself,
I didnt trust myself.
I was just full of pity and regrets.

But then again, somewhere along the way, I realized that maybe I was beating myself too much. I was punishing and becoming mad at myself more than what im supposed to be.

I realized That I'm too young to be bitter and suicidal.
That I'm too smart to quit med. (we all are smart :D )
That I can always be damn better than what i was, and am, and will ever be.

That life is too beautiful, to spend it in hatred. in regrets. in bitterness.

Because in reality,
                 I'm just beginning life.
                                I'm too young to give up on hope.
                                                 The best is yet to come.
                                                                        And We've only just begun +

And finally, I have forgiven myself...
for every stupid mistake I did in the past
that made me the strong person that i am today.

From a text message I received last year:

"The strongest people has the most problems,
the worst situations,
It is not because God wanted us to suffer.
It is because He, trusts us enough
that he knows, we can get through"