Thinking out Loud

Broken Chain

 

I broke 2 self-imposed traditions. First is the annual obligatory Thanksgiving blog every Birthday. Although I am and always been thankful of the blessings I get every year, I just didn’t feel like there’s something new and blogworthy. Second is this little secret that I do every year (and only a few people knows this) - I write a letter to myself for my next birthday – my expectations, wishes, questions for the year that will come, and hopefully answering them by the time I’ll read it one year later. Got that idea from time capsules, but there’s a minimum of 5 years daw pag time capsule, so I made it an annual letter to myself. I didn’t made one last year so I didn’t receive one this year. And, where did I put those letters anyway? It was so organized last year. Until Ondoy came. Now I don’t remember where they are. So it didn’t matter anymore if I make one. Nakakatamad na din. Corny na rin kasi. Maybe this is another sign of getting old.

 

Looking back I have seen so much changes. The way I write, the way I think, my priorities, my obsessions, passions, routines, the people around me. 10 years ago, when I was 14, I never would have imagined me to be this one like now. I expected differently. I overshot my expectations. I thought by 21 I’d get my first million, first car, first house, and all the chicks I can get. Somewhere along the way, the illusion died out. I realized my name is not Justin Bieber.

 

Maybe there’s a kid in me that died as I grew up. I sometimes forget to wear my eyes of colors and generators of my spontaneous thoughts. I kind of lost my corny emo self (believe me, bawas na tong pagkacorny and emo ko ngayon). But then again, maybe that kid in me have to die to give way to a more realistic eye to the world and a more mature set of beliefs. One where I should be more cautious in everything I say (thank you to the Squealers who told my parents I’ve been cursing on facebook.) One where I should weigh all options before choosing one. And if I land on a decision, I have to be firm by it no matter what. I guess I have to let go of some standards I’ve set for myself cause they blind me for a probable better something or someone I am yet to see. And I hope it’s not too late.  Maybe, one way or another, we really need to have something to die in us so that other ways could live. Maybe they’ve served enough in our system for a certain time, now that we times have changed, we have to change some of the ways, or sometimes totally replacing them. Not that we don’t like them anymore, it’s just that we have to move on. Not that we’re throwing the old away, but we have to make way for Change. We have to. Either that, or we crumble. Evolve or expire. Step up, or make the same mistakes all over again.  Most of the time, people choose the latter. But life is just so great that they still give us chances to be better. That even though we make lame decisions in the past, one way or another, we are given chances for redemption. And if we fail again, we’re given chances to succeed again.

 

Damn it, I talk like an old man. And my blogs are becoming pointless. Sigh.

 

One thing that I will try my best not to change – is my passion for writing. Even though nangangalawang na.

 

At least I tried. :D

it's just one of those nights...

i miss falling in love.

it's been a long, long time. i miss having that special kiss. that special someone. i miss having someone on my shoulder who can lean on me. I miss protecting a girl and telling her that everything's gonna be alright. I miss buying flowers. I miss thinking of surprises. I miss the feel of getting jealous over some ugly guy.

i miss falling in love. i miss that feeling. i miss saying "I love you", and I miss hearing, "I love you too"

I miss getting into fights. and strategizing how to make it up for her. how her voice makes my day all better. how her smile makes me feel alright. I miss Love. I miss how it magically makes me wake up with Her as my first thought, and how just the thought of her tucks me in to bed, smiling. I miss smiling out of nowhere just because I think of her. 

I miss staring into someone's eyes and just adore her for who she is. I miss having a love story to write about, to tell someone about. to brag about. I miss having a girl who perfectly fits my hands on hers - as if it's custom made. I miss just being close to a special girl - that she breathes in what i breathe out - and all i can see is her face - and all i can smell is her hair - and all i can hear is her breath... So close, that her hand on my chest, is my hand. So close, that we'd be like congenital twins, beating in one heart.

I miss reading messages over and over again just to bring me back good memories. I miss waiting for someone for a long time yet when you see how stunning she is, it makes the wait worth it. I miss looking at the stars, hoping that she's looking at the same star, too. Or at least hoping that she's looking at the sky in the first place. I miss telling everyone how great my girl is. I miss being in love. Like madly, deeply, sincerely in love. So in love that I want the world to stop when it's just Her and I.

I miss dating. I miss kilig moments. I miss monthsaries, and anniversaries. I miss growing and learning from someone. I miss making love letters and poems. I miss making blogs about you. I miss missing someone. I miss this overrated four letter word. I miss Love. Goddamn Love. And for the record, It's been a long time since I want to write about Love, per se, but I don't want to at the same time for I don't want it to be limited by just words.

I miss the times when I still believe...
that there's that someone out there, with the same heartbeat as mine.

Insignia

When we ask for a sign to God, we often wish for a burning bush or a face of God in the clouds or a chariot of flames crossing the street – we often wish for something grand... something undeniable that it overwhelms us that we cannot deny that it is indeed the sign. Something heaven delivered just for you. Something god-sent.

And while we look for that moment, we sometimes neglect tiny details in our lives that when collectively taken, they could be the one you are looking for. Whether it’s from a lyrics in a song you’re listening to in your ipod, or from a script in a movie now being played. Sometimes we don’t even need words. It could be from a smile of your baby brother, or a warm, warm hug from a loved one, telling you over and over (and over) that you are forever loved and everything will be fine.

Last Friday, I posted in my account a prayer. I asked for a sign. And I had the whole facebook community hear about it. 5 minutes later, I heard good news through a friend. It kind of like addressed one of my worries. Of course, for my friend, the words doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely God-sent. “Aba, Lord, ambilis ah?”

The day after, someone said to me, “Don’t think too much about it. You’re being useless ” – again, of course, the words doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely God-sent. I thought about it hard, and realized one thing: God will not forsake me. He has a plan for me. God Loves me. And whatever I am thinking, and over thinking - worries, fears, pressure -is just making me more useless, and old, and ugly (oh God, could I be more uglier?) – so I have to think otherwise. I have to think on Faith, and Hope, and Joy, and Peace. So, while travelling to zambales, with my laptop in my lap, pausing what I was watching, I closed my eyes, and said a prayer that is a little harder and deeper than my usual prayers. I realized that I didn’t need to look for a sign. I didn’t need to look for it because it is within me. And it has always been within me.

So I thanked God for that, then I opened my eyes to resume watching, “LOST” – and of all scenes of all seasons of Lost, the next scene came out as if it was written by God just for me (and of course, I’ll edit it a little bit to become blogworthy):

“This is the Light, 
the warmest and brightest you’ve ever seen or felt, 
and this light is present in every man. 
Some people will try put out your light. 
Do not let them. 
Because if this light goes out, 
it goes out everywhere”

I was in awe of what I’ve just seen. Just as I accepted a while ago that it’s ok not to have a grand sign, and that it is within me - there goes this message through a line in LOST. Again, for someone else, the words doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely Godsent. So smiled big, and thanked God again. But it didn’t end there.
After watching that episode of Lost, i played my ipod. And of all songs. And of all lyrics, I just pressed play – and this came out:

Gising na, kaibigan
Bangon na, harapin mo ang Silangan na
di mo ba naaaninag, sa dulong abot tanaw?
Gunita’y sumisigaw?
Ikaw ang anak ng araw.

And Amazingly, the next song too:

I think i’ll follow the voice that calls within,
dance through the silent song it sings.
I hope to find my place,
so my life will fall in place
I know in time ill find my place
in the Greater Scheme of things.

Another whammy. I was just wowed. And my smile became wider than the one ago. Again, for someone else, the lyrics doesn’t sound like anything from Heaven, yet for me, at that moment – it is definitely God-sent. I said, “OK God, I get it” (i said it silently of course, haha)

And JUST AS I AM ABOUT TO FINISH THIS BLOG – oh God oh God – as if God conspired the whole universe for this to happen – at this moment – the sun is setting. Hindi ko sinadya na umupo sa side ng table na kaharap ang dagat, di ko talaga planong manood ng sunset (wala nga, nawala nga sa isip ko na sunset na pala eh.) But... WOW. As in WOW. It’s like the light that they talk about it LOST – na kakasulat ko lang kanina, and then, parang ito na yun – LIVE. Naiiyak ako pero magmumukha akong tanga pag umiiyak ako habang asa harap ng dagat at nagttype kaya pinigilan ko nalang :D It is one of the most perfect sunsets i’ve ever seen. If there is such a word more perfect than ‘perfect’ – it would be this perfection. No clouds, or land, or trees to block it away. Just the clear and classic sun-kissing-the-sea

For the record, I’ve been wanting to watch this ‘complete sunset’ the whole summer but there were clouds/other stuff that block it. Anyone who reads my blog knows how important the sunset is to me. And today, God gave me a perfect one, in the perfect moment, in the perfect setting, in the perfect time.

The warm breeze. The comforting sand on my feet. The clapping of the waves. And The sun – oh God, the sun – the Light - the warmest and brightest I’ve ever felt.
Maybe this is what they call, “In God’s time.”

And then, in that perfect moment, I cried. 
And wiped the tears right after so no one else would see. :p

God is sooo damn Good.

+BIL

thoughts over the sunset

Im the guy who never lost his fetish for the Sunset

I live in front of the beach and i always make it a point that no matter how busy i am, at the end of the day, I'd still lie on the sand, bury my feet on them and watch the sunset as if im watching it the first time. Most of the time I'll bring along a camera with me, and even though it's the same sun, same beach, and same sunset over again, i'd still take pictures of it. My mom said i was born while the sun was setting. Maybe that explains the obsession. Maybe whenever I see that ball of fire setting, I am born again.

Last holy week was indeed, holy. Although I didnt attend any religious activity (and im realizing it just now, sorry God), I had my special kinds of prayer. I pray through my connection with the sea and the crisp of that warm zambales air. I close my eyes and feel solace. I feel whole. If I could levitate through joy and peace in my heart, and additional happy thoughts like Peter Pan, I'd probably hover for a long time without needing a pixie from tinkerbell.

Sunsets are god damn beautiful. I love the way the way it changes the tone of the sky. They way the sun allows you to look directly at him after being aggressive the whole day. And then as in sets, the stars start to assemble. And the moon slowly takes charge over the sky. And the tides swiftly change while the wind kisses me.It's as if God sent them to carefully caress my cheek. 

God has indeed great ways of tapping us in the back, to say, "It's OK." In that moment, there was no need for words, or any grand sign, or a distinct song. All i need to do, is to look inside, remind me of what i still have, and what life has in store for me. And after that, I'll feel ok. 
I know this life ahead is gonna be great. It's what the Sun told me tonight, that in the break of light, hope will spring eternal. It's what the stars told me, that in the darkest of hours, they shine the brightest. It's what the moon told me, that even a weak pull of gravity gives you the power to change the tides...

Maybe i've made mistakes these past few sems, or shifts, or life. But then again, we all make mistakes. Maybe sometimes, life just fucks you. That's why nobody dies a virgin. 
Regrets, heartaches, and bad decisions - hopefully they all wash away someday... Lessons. they engrave it inside you and rewire you, and make you who you are. They become a part of you. They become you... I'm tired of finding a reason to all these. Maybe i just have to go with the flow and follow the process without overthinking them too much. Without wallowing in pity or sadness. I have to go with the flow, and I have to do it with still my head up and receive what life has in store for me with open arms.



I will still fight a good fight.
I will finish this race.
And I will keep the Faith.

blame it on Cobra Energy Drink.

my mind. and heart. and probably my soul wants to sleep tonight but due to an alteration in my rhythm, no matter how hard i try, i can't sleep. What does that 500mL Bottle full of carbonated sugar have anyway? I want to sleep. I need to sleep, because tomorrow, I need to be awake. I dont want it to be the other way around.

Just Like my Days...

Last weekend was DWTL 76. The DWTL weekend has always been something I look forward to. It gives me a sense of recharge, and kind of grounding, and re-attuning with the things that really matter. I love the way the Days magic flows, how it's been done repetitively yet each batch is distinct.

Friday night, my good friend, ate Dorx and I were talking about how i am reaching a plateau of Days high. And how I'm losing myself- losing my blogging self, losing my edge, losing my "mojo", losing sanity, losing hope -- the only thing that im not losing is my weight. If only all these losses could be converted to pounds. Ate Dorx' answer was just one simple statement: "There is no such thing as losing it" 

It's just a matter of focus. Of having a disturbed attention span. my mojo or my optimum self or my edge, or whatever i call it -- it's really just here. it's never gone. it's not even hiding. it's right in front of me. It just needs polishing. A charcoal burns when it's near a flame. Yet when you pull it away from the fire, the heat wears down, you grow cold. but then, all you have to do is go back to the flame. not necessarily at the core of it, but somewhere near. as long as you'll get enough heat to keep you warm. maybe just enough heat you need to get by. this has been Days for me right now. A rewarming of the cold sedentary medical student that i've becoming lately. A beautiful slow motion, far away from this fast track.

It's funny that as i type this, Itunes has chosen one of my favorite DWTL songs...

look at all my trials and tribulations, sinking in a gentle pool of wine

don't disturb me now, i can see the answers,

till this morning, till this evening, life is fine.

God has funny ways of making us smile. In this case, it didnt just made me smile, it somehow made me lacrimate... You see, I'm getting weary of this reace. I may be a humunguous obese individual, but i'm still human. And fragile (hehe) And sensitive. And innocent. (oops?) I'm tired of computing numbers just to reach 74.5. or that goddamn remediable 69.5. It's the time when we start to break. We get drowned in exams. We Sometimes we get caught too much with chasing whatever we are running for that we forget what really matters. I realized na nung January pa pala ako huling nakapasok ng simbahan. And then... Pharma. Pharma. Pharma. Don't get me started -- ok -- tama na ang Pharma rants. 

Back to my Days - the Saturday night i was 80% silent the whole time. Parang kailan lang, ako yung nagDadays at wala akong kaproble problema nun, parang last year lang kasama ko sila Geli and my Kids para maexperience to, tignan mo na sila ngayon, yung iba sa kanila 3rd time staffer na, merong Head na, meron namang walang kasawa sawang recuit nang recruit at balik nang balik. It made me proud. And the great thing is theyre not doing it for me, or for their friends, or for whoever, theyre doing it for Him.

And, oo nga naman, imbes na nag-aaral kami sa bahay o gumagawa ng iba pang bagay, bakit nga ba namin mas piniling magvisit sa Days? For some, it's an escape, for some, refuge. For some, they try to remember themselves, some come to forget. We all have different reasons yet  we have found something in here that is worth coming back for. For me, it's the High. 

That night, i realized that it's not about finding time for something, but it's making time for it.

That in your darkest moments, it is where your light shines the brightest

And He will always be with you. Everytime. Every time. 

Pagkuwi ng bahay, I didnt sleep right away. Before i slept and made out with my Patho Slides, i said a long long prayer. But this time, it was not a prayer of need, or request, or questioning. This time, my prayer was bursting with only one thing: Gratitude. For every single thing. For my parents, my siblings, my brods,for my friends, for my laptop, for the Food Kia gave to me earlier. Thankful for songs i heard that night, for the things i need to cram for tomorrow, and yes, even for Pharma, I was thankful.

Our crosses were built and designed specially for us. They are made to order special fit that would exactly embrace your shoulder and the enough weight to keep our feet on the ground. Some crosses are gradually increasing in weight, some are intermitently shitty, maybe some crosses are glow in the dark, some are scented, some are unconvenietly long, or thick (now, where the hell did i get these ideas?) But I know one thing: Crosses make us suffer, yes, yet it brings us the best -- and i mean the -- F---cking best in us. Brings out something that we dont know that we have. 

------

Cobra is wearing down. I'll try to sleep again. Studying for Pedia is the last choice for tonight. Kidding.

Hippocratic Oath

(my Entry on the Essay writing Contest last September. Nakachambang maka Second place kasi mejo nagmamadali kasi gutom nako nun at may Subsec party that night. hehe)

"Hippocratic Oath"

It was love at first sight.

The first day of Medical School, the flashed us the oath that was sworn upon by each and every doctor who walked this earth. I immediately fell in love with the oath: its history, its meaning, and the fact that so many people desires it yet so few have survived to get it. And as i sat in awe in front of these words, I couldn't help but wonder, "How will this school take me there?"

They immediately put our eyes in the prize. But of course, as we all know, the road to "doctor-dom" will never be easy. And indeed, it never was. Out came the rush of marathon lectures, exams, practicals. We were loaded with new terminologies, jargons, names. So many memory work that is more than a man would need in his life. The pressure was so intense that I started to crumble and ask, "Is this really a love worth fighting for?"

The answer came to me through a facilitator one daw who told me, "The strongest people have the most problems, the hardest trials. It's not because God wants them to suffer, it's because God trusts them enough that he knows you can get through it." From then on, pain became pleasure. Yes, the subjects always kept us running, not because our professors are sadists, it's because the believe we can get by.

In Med, I've experienced staying up till morning for a report only to be overhauled in the morning. I have missed family outings just because I have a date with Katzung, Robbins, or both. The ranting could go on, but then again, it is also in this process I stood in awe of the Human Body. Our professors always say, "How did God do that?", "Can't you see how wonderful this body God made for us?" In the fast pace pf med, they make it a point to stop for us to appreciate the view. UST Med pushed us so much that we are always on the edge. And they push us more, so that from that edge, we learn how to fly. We are bred to be competent

We're required to say "Hello" and "Thank You" to our patients, to be courteous and considerate. We're always challenged on what to do on crucial ethical situations. We don't hesitate to push wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, and we hold the hand of an old patient to help him walk to his bed. We are bred to be compassionate.

This school always xhallenge us to do more and be more. The journey into the Medical field will take us a lifetime. But this lifetime, will touch many more other lifetimes than an average life probably would. We will save lives. And whoever saves one life, saves the world entire. We are bred to be committed.

When I entered me, I have a lot of reasons: to be rich, powerful, respected, popular. But as II walk through this journey, those "impure" reasons were dissolved until there was onle one reason left... the classic reason that echoes around the walls of Medschool for all time: To Help Humanity.

Now, as I get nearer to the day I will recite that oath, I can't imagine myself from any other Medschool but UST. As I will raise my hand to recite my Hippocratic Oath, in my veins will flow the blood of Rizal, and all the other great doctors who have gone through the same rite of passage as mine. My name will rank among the biggest roster of doctors in the country. I will live the life the way our mentors have lived: Competent, Committed, Compassionate.

It was Love as first sight.

And this Love, is my gift to the world.

Dear God

Dear God.

How are you? I hope you're fine. Well, let's cut the crap, shall we?

For the past semester I wouldnt say I'm as faithful as you want me to be. Let's just say I'm lacking prayers. When I'm late for my class I just pass by your chapel and wink at you. I know, God, I look like a jerk. Walk by the chapel, sign of the cross, and then, wink? Who am I to do that? the Pope? Brad Pitt? my God. Seems like the only days I hang out in the chapel more are the days when we have Pharma tests. Yes, I pass by sometimes to say Thank You for me doing good, and rant most of the time when the test is bad. And probably forget you the rest of the week. The bottom line is, I'm an ass. And I'm sorry.

Tonight, God, I am once again afraid. And there is no better way i know of expressing it than writing this. I tried watching movies, talking to friends, watching TV, playing computer, but it seems like it just can't get off my head. I am hoping that after this, you'll tuck me in to bed with a peace of mind, with all the positivity in the Universe, and when I wake up, hear Good News...

Because tomorrow, a judgment is coming down upon us. From a distance, I'm kind of silly of thinking about this, because my grades are relatively better that my frist year in Med, but still, it's the wait that kills me. It's the paranoia that kills me. It's this fear that keeps me up all night. I really really want to sleep. I'd rather break up with her many many times than bear this post-semestral blues. At least in a break-up, I'm more used to it. .. But tomorrow, the grades for Surgery and Anesthesiology will be submitted to the office.

Lord, I know , I put a significant amount of effort on it kahit papano. I have this gut feeling that I will pass. I have written it on post-its, on my Vision Board, on every chamber of my heart. on my every sulci and gyri of my mind. That I will pass... But for this moment, I want to tell you that I'm afaid.That I'm gullible. I'm scared, God, I really am.

Oh my God (no, that's not an expression), all I ask, in the next hours, that the board bring Good News.

Amen.