blame it on Cobra Energy Drink.

my mind. and heart. and probably my soul wants to sleep tonight but due to an alteration in my rhythm, no matter how hard i try, i can't sleep. What does that 500mL Bottle full of carbonated sugar have anyway? I want to sleep. I need to sleep, because tomorrow, I need to be awake. I dont want it to be the other way around.

Just Like my Days...

Last weekend was DWTL 76. The DWTL weekend has always been something I look forward to. It gives me a sense of recharge, and kind of grounding, and re-attuning with the things that really matter. I love the way the Days magic flows, how it's been done repetitively yet each batch is distinct.

Friday night, my good friend, ate Dorx and I were talking about how i am reaching a plateau of Days high. And how I'm losing myself- losing my blogging self, losing my edge, losing my "mojo", losing sanity, losing hope -- the only thing that im not losing is my weight. If only all these losses could be converted to pounds. Ate Dorx' answer was just one simple statement: "There is no such thing as losing it" 

It's just a matter of focus. Of having a disturbed attention span. my mojo or my optimum self or my edge, or whatever i call it -- it's really just here. it's never gone. it's not even hiding. it's right in front of me. It just needs polishing. A charcoal burns when it's near a flame. Yet when you pull it away from the fire, the heat wears down, you grow cold. but then, all you have to do is go back to the flame. not necessarily at the core of it, but somewhere near. as long as you'll get enough heat to keep you warm. maybe just enough heat you need to get by. this has been Days for me right now. A rewarming of the cold sedentary medical student that i've becoming lately. A beautiful slow motion, far away from this fast track.

It's funny that as i type this, Itunes has chosen one of my favorite DWTL songs...

look at all my trials and tribulations, sinking in a gentle pool of wine

don't disturb me now, i can see the answers,

till this morning, till this evening, life is fine.

God has funny ways of making us smile. In this case, it didnt just made me smile, it somehow made me lacrimate... You see, I'm getting weary of this reace. I may be a humunguous obese individual, but i'm still human. And fragile (hehe) And sensitive. And innocent. (oops?) I'm tired of computing numbers just to reach 74.5. or that goddamn remediable 69.5. It's the time when we start to break. We get drowned in exams. We Sometimes we get caught too much with chasing whatever we are running for that we forget what really matters. I realized na nung January pa pala ako huling nakapasok ng simbahan. And then... Pharma. Pharma. Pharma. Don't get me started -- ok -- tama na ang Pharma rants. 

Back to my Days - the Saturday night i was 80% silent the whole time. Parang kailan lang, ako yung nagDadays at wala akong kaproble problema nun, parang last year lang kasama ko sila Geli and my Kids para maexperience to, tignan mo na sila ngayon, yung iba sa kanila 3rd time staffer na, merong Head na, meron namang walang kasawa sawang recuit nang recruit at balik nang balik. It made me proud. And the great thing is theyre not doing it for me, or for their friends, or for whoever, theyre doing it for Him.

And, oo nga naman, imbes na nag-aaral kami sa bahay o gumagawa ng iba pang bagay, bakit nga ba namin mas piniling magvisit sa Days? For some, it's an escape, for some, refuge. For some, they try to remember themselves, some come to forget. We all have different reasons yet  we have found something in here that is worth coming back for. For me, it's the High. 

That night, i realized that it's not about finding time for something, but it's making time for it.

That in your darkest moments, it is where your light shines the brightest

And He will always be with you. Everytime. Every time. 

Pagkuwi ng bahay, I didnt sleep right away. Before i slept and made out with my Patho Slides, i said a long long prayer. But this time, it was not a prayer of need, or request, or questioning. This time, my prayer was bursting with only one thing: Gratitude. For every single thing. For my parents, my siblings, my brods,for my friends, for my laptop, for the Food Kia gave to me earlier. Thankful for songs i heard that night, for the things i need to cram for tomorrow, and yes, even for Pharma, I was thankful.

Our crosses were built and designed specially for us. They are made to order special fit that would exactly embrace your shoulder and the enough weight to keep our feet on the ground. Some crosses are gradually increasing in weight, some are intermitently shitty, maybe some crosses are glow in the dark, some are scented, some are unconvenietly long, or thick (now, where the hell did i get these ideas?) But I know one thing: Crosses make us suffer, yes, yet it brings us the best -- and i mean the -- F---cking best in us. Brings out something that we dont know that we have. 

------

Cobra is wearing down. I'll try to sleep again. Studying for Pedia is the last choice for tonight. Kidding.

Hippocratic Oath

(my Entry on the Essay writing Contest last September. Nakachambang maka Second place kasi mejo nagmamadali kasi gutom nako nun at may Subsec party that night. hehe)

"Hippocratic Oath"

It was love at first sight.

The first day of Medical School, the flashed us the oath that was sworn upon by each and every doctor who walked this earth. I immediately fell in love with the oath: its history, its meaning, and the fact that so many people desires it yet so few have survived to get it. And as i sat in awe in front of these words, I couldn't help but wonder, "How will this school take me there?"

They immediately put our eyes in the prize. But of course, as we all know, the road to "doctor-dom" will never be easy. And indeed, it never was. Out came the rush of marathon lectures, exams, practicals. We were loaded with new terminologies, jargons, names. So many memory work that is more than a man would need in his life. The pressure was so intense that I started to crumble and ask, "Is this really a love worth fighting for?"

The answer came to me through a facilitator one daw who told me, "The strongest people have the most problems, the hardest trials. It's not because God wants them to suffer, it's because God trusts them enough that he knows you can get through it." From then on, pain became pleasure. Yes, the subjects always kept us running, not because our professors are sadists, it's because the believe we can get by.

In Med, I've experienced staying up till morning for a report only to be overhauled in the morning. I have missed family outings just because I have a date with Katzung, Robbins, or both. The ranting could go on, but then again, it is also in this process I stood in awe of the Human Body. Our professors always say, "How did God do that?", "Can't you see how wonderful this body God made for us?" In the fast pace pf med, they make it a point to stop for us to appreciate the view. UST Med pushed us so much that we are always on the edge. And they push us more, so that from that edge, we learn how to fly. We are bred to be competent

We're required to say "Hello" and "Thank You" to our patients, to be courteous and considerate. We're always challenged on what to do on crucial ethical situations. We don't hesitate to push wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, and we hold the hand of an old patient to help him walk to his bed. We are bred to be compassionate.

This school always xhallenge us to do more and be more. The journey into the Medical field will take us a lifetime. But this lifetime, will touch many more other lifetimes than an average life probably would. We will save lives. And whoever saves one life, saves the world entire. We are bred to be committed.

When I entered me, I have a lot of reasons: to be rich, powerful, respected, popular. But as II walk through this journey, those "impure" reasons were dissolved until there was onle one reason left... the classic reason that echoes around the walls of Medschool for all time: To Help Humanity.

Now, as I get nearer to the day I will recite that oath, I can't imagine myself from any other Medschool but UST. As I will raise my hand to recite my Hippocratic Oath, in my veins will flow the blood of Rizal, and all the other great doctors who have gone through the same rite of passage as mine. My name will rank among the biggest roster of doctors in the country. I will live the life the way our mentors have lived: Competent, Committed, Compassionate.

It was Love as first sight.

And this Love, is my gift to the world.

Dear God

Dear God.

How are you? I hope you're fine. Well, let's cut the crap, shall we?

For the past semester I wouldnt say I'm as faithful as you want me to be. Let's just say I'm lacking prayers. When I'm late for my class I just pass by your chapel and wink at you. I know, God, I look like a jerk. Walk by the chapel, sign of the cross, and then, wink? Who am I to do that? the Pope? Brad Pitt? my God. Seems like the only days I hang out in the chapel more are the days when we have Pharma tests. Yes, I pass by sometimes to say Thank You for me doing good, and rant most of the time when the test is bad. And probably forget you the rest of the week. The bottom line is, I'm an ass. And I'm sorry.

Tonight, God, I am once again afraid. And there is no better way i know of expressing it than writing this. I tried watching movies, talking to friends, watching TV, playing computer, but it seems like it just can't get off my head. I am hoping that after this, you'll tuck me in to bed with a peace of mind, with all the positivity in the Universe, and when I wake up, hear Good News...

Because tomorrow, a judgment is coming down upon us. From a distance, I'm kind of silly of thinking about this, because my grades are relatively better that my frist year in Med, but still, it's the wait that kills me. It's the paranoia that kills me. It's this fear that keeps me up all night. I really really want to sleep. I'd rather break up with her many many times than bear this post-semestral blues. At least in a break-up, I'm more used to it. .. But tomorrow, the grades for Surgery and Anesthesiology will be submitted to the office.

Lord, I know , I put a significant amount of effort on it kahit papano. I have this gut feeling that I will pass. I have written it on post-its, on my Vision Board, on every chamber of my heart. on my every sulci and gyri of my mind. That I will pass... But for this moment, I want to tell you that I'm afaid.That I'm gullible. I'm scared, God, I really am.

Oh my God (no, that's not an expression), all I ask, in the next hours, that the board bring Good News.

Amen.

this drought

this dry spell is taking it's toll on me. a lot of people are always asking me about it, but i keep on saying a variety of answers or excuses why not. so what's my answer anyway to that?

my most common excuse?

"i'm just too busy studying to think about her"

busy? bullshit.

it's funny when exams week end. specially after for almost a month long exams. when it all end, you'll fin yourself thinking the other day, "uhm, may dapat ba akong basahin?", "ano nga bang exam bukas?", "may dapat bang tapusin?" it's the post-exams syndrome. now i have so much time to catch up. so much to think over.

for a constant stimuli to be slammed on you everyday, even after it stopped, you'll feel like it's still there. so, let's go back to the drought. the dry spell. it's been quite. uhmm. oh. my god. i can't recall. since my last relationship. probably a year since a pseudo one. and the next thing closest to that would be a poke from someone in facebook, or a silly smile not intended for me by my crush/es. those stuff really means nothing but i'm forced to think that it's something so that ill feel a little bit kilig. crap. pathetic. it's not that i'm totally zero for the past years, but, there's just no one consistent. no one repetition. no fireworks or chuvachuchu moments. so this  is how a pizza tastes like without the toppings. it's all the cheeze and the crust and no thrill in it at all. for the past months, all were just appetizers or side dishes in this stupid game.

there were times that new one's are just coming right in front of me... but in those instances, find myself uninterested anymore to this game. it's becoming boring. monotonous. no challenge. or maybe it's just that i have curved my standards to a certain extent that the "ideal girl" suddenly just becomes just that: an idea. and that it's just never real. this drought sucks. but i have no choice. i have no right to complain. and yes, it may sound so hypocritical, but i chose this status. and it's not showing any symptom of changing my status at facebook from single to in a relationship with blablabla. no, i am not self pitying. no i am not sourgraping. i'm just stating my observations. i'm merely interpolating what happened in the past with the present, now i can more or less the this future picture. it's just plain simple truth. and the truth hurts.

but then again, because of this drought... of this ridiculous peer pressure... of society's expectations, i have learned to love myself more than ever before. i suppose it's defense mechanism. you dont love anyone romantically = no one loves you = so, you'll just... self stimulate... err.. love yourself. I have learned to appreciate how i appreciate life. I have learned how to love myself that i loved myself too much, and yes, it just follows, that you love yoursef, and the world will fall in love with you. I have learned to get over my insecurities and insert humor with it. i had more time for myself. my family. my friends. my brods. and myself again. see? i love myself too much.

so whenever this drought will come to an end, im sure i'd gladly move on from this dry to the wet phase (no pun intended) and still keep what i've learned from this drought.

She was right. not just one, but almost all of my exes were right.

I still have a lot to learn.

there's so much of life ahead. and so much things to learn.and when the time comes for the next. or the next, or the next next...

i will then have found what i've been looking for. whatever that is.

and i will.

may pagooutingan na ba ang barkada mo this sembreak?

may pagooutingan na ba ang Barkada o Pamilya nyo ngayong sembreak?

narinig niyo na ba ang POTIPOT Island sa Candelaria, Zambales? sinasabi nilang malinis, mas maganda though non-commercialized version ng Puerto at parang Boracay yung sand minus the crowd and the establishments
 

gusto nyo bang mag-enjoy at the same time makatulong sa tuition ko susunod na sem?

akala niyo ba joke to? akala nyo ba spam to? Hindi.

Follow this link:

http://beachousenidok.multiply.com/journal/item/1/Potipot_Island_Candelaria_Zambales

I can give you discounts if you ask (nicely)

nagenjoy ka na. nakatulong ka pa.

23 on 23

Twenty Three on the Twenty Third

im not a bit sentimental about this. i don't know.

but i am at least thankful that the vatican declared st cosmos and damien's feat during these week, that gives me an ample amount of time to celebrate.i love it. your birthday on the med week when the profs are not allowed to give exams. but still, like what i've said, im not that enthusiastic about this day. i dont know,. maybe i really am getting old.

lately i've been trying to concoct a good blog but they all failed to make it past the screen of first page. The last thing I want to happen in exchange for all these med toxicity is to lose my edge for writing. writing has been the remaining art among the arts and sciences in med. And this should nor remain stagnant because this mind will never stop exploring and wondering. Nakakalason ang panis na laway. Partly, I'm blaming facebook to this... it distracts me a lot. Instead of doing something productive or making a good blog, most of the time i'd choose Mafia Wars and Restaurant Rush over them. It's not healthy, but it's fun. But it's still not healthy. But it's fun. :)


Anyways, back to the blog. Probably I can say that this year, I've redeemed myself.

(okay, the emo hormones are kicking in)



this year, I can say that Failing is not considered a deafeat. Defeat is when you've given up. We irregs are not proud that we're irregs. But we're proud that we're still here, fighting for what we believe is worth fighting for. It's the heart that really matters in the end.



this year, I never EVER thought in my wildest dreams that someone will invite me to play a big role in DWTL. It still amazes me to this day that it happened. For those who know my story would probably be smiling now. God's timing, is indeedn, never too early, or too late. It comes in the right time, and pace. Just like when I lied down in the beach one night and on that moment, out came a falling star. The moments that you can never deny, that that star has fallen for you.



this year, I have definitely moved on. My definitions of love and relationships have been reconstructed. My standards have been reformed. Maybe we'll never understand when they ruin one's heart. After all, it's the heart. Imagine all the drugs that scientists make just to calm it down? Because when it beats too much, or too little, It's fatal.

This heart? It's for someone. I don't know who she is, but I guarantee you she's gonna be great. She will embrace me like how the beach embraces me. And she will be loved more than how i love my Mafia Wars and Restaurant City. She will be loved more than how I love Pharma and Patho combined.

This year, I realized this heart was never dead, Nor it ceased to beat. It was just that I was in denial. Denied of my own capability to love. That i just stopped putting my hand on my fifth left intercostal space, I just forgot it was there.

It has always been there.



This year, I still believe that my Family is still the best set of family you could ever have. A Dad who would not just inspire you, but challenge you to do more, and be more. A mum who's there to cheer me up, make fun on how I look, and laught about anything. and nothing Brothers and Sisters who would always share secrets with me. Who would take a bullet for me as I would take for them. Who would be proud of me wherever they go.



This year, I've made a lot of new friends. Beach Hous Guests. DWTL Peeps. New Brods. New Subsecs. each of them very unique in their own way. And i'm glad I'm accepted readily in their groups (or at least that's what i think? I hope i'm right)



This year, I have helped my parents get customers for the beach house. And that gave enough money for the 4 of us for this semester. For the first time in my life, the 4 of us are in full payment for this semester. I had the best summer job: putting guests on the beach house, and assuring them that they'd have a great time.


This year, the Frat is very much alive. And the bonds we have is something that i know i'd treasure for my whole lifetime.



I have so many things I should thank for. And tonight, I have nothing else to feel, but pure gratitude. For every single thing that happened to me, and the best that is in store for me. I have asked questions. I've been given answers. Life has given be the best surprises. the best of friends, the best family, the best people, the best facilitators, the best teachers.

I have redeemed myself so much this year, that I would like to call this a Rennaisance. (Hooray. I can spell it.) A birth of new ideas, of new great habits. A birth to a better life. An opening to new worlds. A paradigm change.

only at your very worst do you realize that life gets the better of you, only to extract the best of you.

twenty three years...
and we've only just begun.


(after re-reading this: it's funny i said "im not a bit sentimental about this." at the start, yet the whole blog was so sentimental. haha)

Eulogy

I never dreamed that she will come into my life. Not a single bit. But one day, she just suddenly barged into the scene and i was forced to replace the one I was with. I was forced to love her. And I never thought I will.

But i eventually did.

She became a part of my everyday life. My day will never be complete without seeing her. But when I realized that she is slowly deteriorating, we just tried to just cherish the time we have for each other. A month ago, I found out her vestibulocochlear functons are not available anymore.Her skin was shedding. And by the first impression, you'd definitely say she has little time to live.

And yesterday, August 18, 2009... She suddenly passed away.

Her name is O2 XDA Atom. And she has been my phone for more than a year. She was given to me as a gift from my Dad after they went to Malaysia. That forced me give up my nokia what's-her-name, but that doesnt mean I loved her right away.

She was stubborn at first. Unfriendly. And drains very early. And bulky. And touch screen.My first touch screen phone. I forced myself to like her. And love her. And I did... And in time, i realized, I love her so much. She wakes me up everyday, faithfully. And sometimes she's considerate that she let's me snooze 15 minutes more. She has an incredibly huge memory. She can make me surf the net. Record sounds. Watch porn. Play games.

She she had always been there for me. Everytime I study fo exams, she stayed awake with me. Papansin siya minsan, sometimes i'd throw her inside my drawer or cabinet so that i won't get distracted by her seductive looks. But at the end of the day, I'd still pull her out so that she could sleep beside me.

She had been witness to some of my love stories. To some of my glorious moments. To my bittermost defeat. To my healing. To the Me that's growing up. And to the new people that I meet, when i get their numbers. She has seen it all. I'm gonna miss the way people avoid my phone kung makikitext because she's sooo difficult to use. too hot to handle. I'll miss the way I have to charge her every 12 hours. The way she vibrates rigorously during silent mode. It arouses me, just kidding.

So many memories. I even kept a special folder inside for special messages from special people. The last ones were from Tin Pagala, Van Solon, and Caryl Paragua. Fresh from the Days weekend.  Whenever I feel down,  I just open that folder named, "life long bonds", and out comes the best text messages I received in my entire life, when Geli asked me to be the R of 70, when all my staffers were saying thank you, when Shen said 'sorry kuya', when Jhun said,"u passd!", when my Dad said, "I'm proud of you", the list goes on and on... and on. There couldve been more, but her lifespan is just until here.

then there's also one folder that's named: "That thing they call..." and it's full of the best love quotes I have compiled. And yes, it's named that way because Love is taboo for me... "the thing they called... Love." Because there are times I don't believe in it. Love? It's magic? and all that crap? There are times that I doubt love. that I doubt myself. But whenever i open that folder, it reminds me of Hope. Hope that there is Love. and that folder is kept on my phone, so that in that way, I'd always bring hope. and Hopefully, Love.

And then there's my contacts for the Business. The standard text message of, "thank you for depositing, i'm so excited to meet you na po with weekend to accomodate you sa beachouse", or, "the account number is 5766888xx BPI family bank. Please text me right away pag nasa bank na po sila at nadeposit na po so that i can reserve the rooms na for you" God it sucks losing it all.

And my contacts. All meticulously classified. "Ginel Faustino.Med", "Nina Dela Cruz.Bio", "Joyce.Stanger", naming Depends on where or how I met them. Don't get me started on the Days people. Each of them has DWTL in front of them, then their name, surname, and batch number... Then all of them are classified under "BIL", or "Staffers",or "Sexy Seventy", "Batch 54" for the easy group sending. And SJ brods. "SJ-UP Omar Sana", "SJ-AS Krish", "SJ Jappy Castillo I1-07", by chapter and by batch.

Oh jesus. It's sinking in. She's gone. My phone is gone.

------

But then again, I'd get a new phone. Probably second hand or maybe a new one. As long as she can text, group text, and she can call, I'll be cool with her. It may take some time for me to get over with my old one. But I'm sure I will. Wounds heal. Just give it time. And the given the necessary compensatroy mechanisms and coagulation factors, the healing will speed up...

And eventually, the new Phone will have a story of her own. She will be loved, and she will Love me like the one before her, or hopefully more. We'd store priceless memories, and we'll beat the memories that the previous has made. She will keep numbers of many friends, old and newm and some more special than the others. She will be there on my Pharma nights, she'll be there when I celebrate. She will be loved. She will be known to be mine, and mine alone, and she will know no one aside from me. She will tuck me in at night, at wake me up afterm she will have longer snooze time, she will be more resistant to my clumsiness. She would understand. She will be loved.

---

So as this Eulogy ends, so will my mourning do. But one day, when I look back, I know, there would be nobody like my O2. Nobody like her. Nobody nobody but you (clapclap clapcap) Nobody nobody but you (clapclap clapcap.) (nyak)

Goodbye. and thank you for being a great phone.

 

"2 Unread Messages" - last words niya