23 on 23

Twenty Three on the Twenty Third

im not a bit sentimental about this. i don't know.

but i am at least thankful that the vatican declared st cosmos and damien's feat during these week, that gives me an ample amount of time to celebrate.i love it. your birthday on the med week when the profs are not allowed to give exams. but still, like what i've said, im not that enthusiastic about this day. i dont know,. maybe i really am getting old.

lately i've been trying to concoct a good blog but they all failed to make it past the screen of first page. The last thing I want to happen in exchange for all these med toxicity is to lose my edge for writing. writing has been the remaining art among the arts and sciences in med. And this should nor remain stagnant because this mind will never stop exploring and wondering. Nakakalason ang panis na laway. Partly, I'm blaming facebook to this... it distracts me a lot. Instead of doing something productive or making a good blog, most of the time i'd choose Mafia Wars and Restaurant Rush over them. It's not healthy, but it's fun. But it's still not healthy. But it's fun. :)


Anyways, back to the blog. Probably I can say that this year, I've redeemed myself.

(okay, the emo hormones are kicking in)



this year, I can say that Failing is not considered a deafeat. Defeat is when you've given up. We irregs are not proud that we're irregs. But we're proud that we're still here, fighting for what we believe is worth fighting for. It's the heart that really matters in the end.



this year, I never EVER thought in my wildest dreams that someone will invite me to play a big role in DWTL. It still amazes me to this day that it happened. For those who know my story would probably be smiling now. God's timing, is indeedn, never too early, or too late. It comes in the right time, and pace. Just like when I lied down in the beach one night and on that moment, out came a falling star. The moments that you can never deny, that that star has fallen for you.



this year, I have definitely moved on. My definitions of love and relationships have been reconstructed. My standards have been reformed. Maybe we'll never understand when they ruin one's heart. After all, it's the heart. Imagine all the drugs that scientists make just to calm it down? Because when it beats too much, or too little, It's fatal.

This heart? It's for someone. I don't know who she is, but I guarantee you she's gonna be great. She will embrace me like how the beach embraces me. And she will be loved more than how i love my Mafia Wars and Restaurant City. She will be loved more than how I love Pharma and Patho combined.

This year, I realized this heart was never dead, Nor it ceased to beat. It was just that I was in denial. Denied of my own capability to love. That i just stopped putting my hand on my fifth left intercostal space, I just forgot it was there.

It has always been there.



This year, I still believe that my Family is still the best set of family you could ever have. A Dad who would not just inspire you, but challenge you to do more, and be more. A mum who's there to cheer me up, make fun on how I look, and laught about anything. and nothing Brothers and Sisters who would always share secrets with me. Who would take a bullet for me as I would take for them. Who would be proud of me wherever they go.



This year, I've made a lot of new friends. Beach Hous Guests. DWTL Peeps. New Brods. New Subsecs. each of them very unique in their own way. And i'm glad I'm accepted readily in their groups (or at least that's what i think? I hope i'm right)



This year, I have helped my parents get customers for the beach house. And that gave enough money for the 4 of us for this semester. For the first time in my life, the 4 of us are in full payment for this semester. I had the best summer job: putting guests on the beach house, and assuring them that they'd have a great time.


This year, the Frat is very much alive. And the bonds we have is something that i know i'd treasure for my whole lifetime.



I have so many things I should thank for. And tonight, I have nothing else to feel, but pure gratitude. For every single thing that happened to me, and the best that is in store for me. I have asked questions. I've been given answers. Life has given be the best surprises. the best of friends, the best family, the best people, the best facilitators, the best teachers.

I have redeemed myself so much this year, that I would like to call this a Rennaisance. (Hooray. I can spell it.) A birth of new ideas, of new great habits. A birth to a better life. An opening to new worlds. A paradigm change.

only at your very worst do you realize that life gets the better of you, only to extract the best of you.

twenty three years...
and we've only just begun.


(after re-reading this: it's funny i said "im not a bit sentimental about this." at the start, yet the whole blog was so sentimental. haha)

Eulogy

I never dreamed that she will come into my life. Not a single bit. But one day, she just suddenly barged into the scene and i was forced to replace the one I was with. I was forced to love her. And I never thought I will.

But i eventually did.

She became a part of my everyday life. My day will never be complete without seeing her. But when I realized that she is slowly deteriorating, we just tried to just cherish the time we have for each other. A month ago, I found out her vestibulocochlear functons are not available anymore.Her skin was shedding. And by the first impression, you'd definitely say she has little time to live.

And yesterday, August 18, 2009... She suddenly passed away.

Her name is O2 XDA Atom. And she has been my phone for more than a year. She was given to me as a gift from my Dad after they went to Malaysia. That forced me give up my nokia what's-her-name, but that doesnt mean I loved her right away.

She was stubborn at first. Unfriendly. And drains very early. And bulky. And touch screen.My first touch screen phone. I forced myself to like her. And love her. And I did... And in time, i realized, I love her so much. She wakes me up everyday, faithfully. And sometimes she's considerate that she let's me snooze 15 minutes more. She has an incredibly huge memory. She can make me surf the net. Record sounds. Watch porn. Play games.

She she had always been there for me. Everytime I study fo exams, she stayed awake with me. Papansin siya minsan, sometimes i'd throw her inside my drawer or cabinet so that i won't get distracted by her seductive looks. But at the end of the day, I'd still pull her out so that she could sleep beside me.

She had been witness to some of my love stories. To some of my glorious moments. To my bittermost defeat. To my healing. To the Me that's growing up. And to the new people that I meet, when i get their numbers. She has seen it all. I'm gonna miss the way people avoid my phone kung makikitext because she's sooo difficult to use. too hot to handle. I'll miss the way I have to charge her every 12 hours. The way she vibrates rigorously during silent mode. It arouses me, just kidding.

So many memories. I even kept a special folder inside for special messages from special people. The last ones were from Tin Pagala, Van Solon, and Caryl Paragua. Fresh from the Days weekend.  Whenever I feel down,  I just open that folder named, "life long bonds", and out comes the best text messages I received in my entire life, when Geli asked me to be the R of 70, when all my staffers were saying thank you, when Shen said 'sorry kuya', when Jhun said,"u passd!", when my Dad said, "I'm proud of you", the list goes on and on... and on. There couldve been more, but her lifespan is just until here.

then there's also one folder that's named: "That thing they call..." and it's full of the best love quotes I have compiled. And yes, it's named that way because Love is taboo for me... "the thing they called... Love." Because there are times I don't believe in it. Love? It's magic? and all that crap? There are times that I doubt love. that I doubt myself. But whenever i open that folder, it reminds me of Hope. Hope that there is Love. and that folder is kept on my phone, so that in that way, I'd always bring hope. and Hopefully, Love.

And then there's my contacts for the Business. The standard text message of, "thank you for depositing, i'm so excited to meet you na po with weekend to accomodate you sa beachouse", or, "the account number is 5766888xx BPI family bank. Please text me right away pag nasa bank na po sila at nadeposit na po so that i can reserve the rooms na for you" God it sucks losing it all.

And my contacts. All meticulously classified. "Ginel Faustino.Med", "Nina Dela Cruz.Bio", "Joyce.Stanger", naming Depends on where or how I met them. Don't get me started on the Days people. Each of them has DWTL in front of them, then their name, surname, and batch number... Then all of them are classified under "BIL", or "Staffers",or "Sexy Seventy", "Batch 54" for the easy group sending. And SJ brods. "SJ-UP Omar Sana", "SJ-AS Krish", "SJ Jappy Castillo I1-07", by chapter and by batch.

Oh jesus. It's sinking in. She's gone. My phone is gone.

------

But then again, I'd get a new phone. Probably second hand or maybe a new one. As long as she can text, group text, and she can call, I'll be cool with her. It may take some time for me to get over with my old one. But I'm sure I will. Wounds heal. Just give it time. And the given the necessary compensatroy mechanisms and coagulation factors, the healing will speed up...

And eventually, the new Phone will have a story of her own. She will be loved, and she will Love me like the one before her, or hopefully more. We'd store priceless memories, and we'll beat the memories that the previous has made. She will keep numbers of many friends, old and newm and some more special than the others. She will be there on my Pharma nights, she'll be there when I celebrate. She will be loved. She will be known to be mine, and mine alone, and she will know no one aside from me. She will tuck me in at night, at wake me up afterm she will have longer snooze time, she will be more resistant to my clumsiness. She would understand. She will be loved.

---

So as this Eulogy ends, so will my mourning do. But one day, when I look back, I know, there would be nobody like my O2. Nobody like her. Nobody nobody but you (clapclap clapcap) Nobody nobody but you (clapclap clapcap.) (nyak)

Goodbye. and thank you for being a great phone.

 

"2 Unread Messages" - last words niya

The Scrubs

The OR Tour

8AM,  in the Holy Cabinet of Scrub suits of my Father's. a pair of dark blue scrubs waited to be picked up. But it's not the Anesthesiologist-Pain Management Specialist who grabbed it. It was the Med Student, wearing it not for fun, not for bragging. Finally wearing it because the situation demands it. Finally.

With the words "I E Edejer MD" on it with the logo of "Department of Anesthesiology" below. The scrubs that was worn had been witness to craniotomies, appendectomies, CABGs, and even circumcisions. Been a cloth to bloody traumas. Been exposed to the sterile areas several times. Gave warmth in the cold nights of endless duties, conferences, and operations. This pair of scrubs have seen people die, but has seen more lives get better. It's the last pair of scrubs that patients will see before they get to sleep in the table. It's a battlegear that won a lot of wars.

For the pair of scrubs, thisOR tour was just nothing. but for me, God knows how I waited for this. no matter how petty this activity is, it means my whole career. Nah, I'm exaggerating...But seriously, I just love the scent of (almost) sterilized air, sterile everything (except my balls), clean shiny scalpels, clamps. I love opening people up, fixing what's wrong with them. I love the feel of flesh slicing, and blood coagulating, and suturing.

It was like having a mental orgasm being in there, getting face to face with the brain. The fucking brain, baby. Dr Tan had us toured at OR PAY (not the charity ward), because he has an interesting case for us to see. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Though it was not the first time i was witness to a craniotomy, the feeling was all different... All Holy. Holy Shit.

(im the biggest guy at the back)

And, this, will definitely be not the last. For I will step in the OR again, and again, and again... until the time comes that I will get paid for doing it. Until the time comes that I will bring my own set of students to see my feat. Until the time comes that I'll bring my kids inside and watch daddy make money. hahaha. 

And by that time, I will have my own set of scubs. A scrubs with my name on it. A scrubs created for me to wear.

A pair of scrubs that will one day have his own story to tell.

AntiPsychotic

i guess the Pharma department should make an "evidence based" learning system where they give out a free sample for everyone and take the drugs that we might have to prescribe one day. at least we get to experience the effects and adverse effects first hand, right?


we had antipsychotics this week and I thank the Pharma Gods for not giving us a quiz last tuesday. It's gonna be (another) disaster when it happened but good thing it didnt. While having 5 minute breaks between antipsychotics, and antidepressants and all, i asked myself: "has any medical student taken stuff like these?" why can't we try one for fun and make Med a better and happier place for at least one day? Of course, they wont make us use it.


The difference between a Patient in the Psych ward and a Medical Student is that the Psych Ward peeps are properly medicated, and we, med students, are not.

So we treat ourselves with our crazy dose of prescription:


Rx
    1) Red Horse, 500mL
        # 5 bottles,
        Take orally, consume in 3 hours
        Until symptoms alleviate.
       
         NB if symptoms still persist, fast drift IV, 500mL.

     2) Sizzling Sisig, 200 g
         Take orally in sync with drug #1 to pacify vomiting reflex
         with Chili sauce recommended.
        
         Apply drugs with supervision of a friend.
         Warning: that friend might look better and better after every intake of Alcohol.

Repost: Hello, Again

Bihira lang naman mapublish ang Sulo (official organ ng UST-FMS), at bihira lang mapublish ang gawa ko (na walang halong kontrobersya. hahaha.) So, nagsama ang dalawang bihira.

Maraming salamat kay:
Dra Dakis - sa pag-edit at pagbalita sakin na nasama pala ang gawa ko.
Corie Iniego - sa pagsabing dapat magpasa ako ng article sa Sulo.


Sa mga naniniwala sa aking talento (kuno) sa panunulat (buti hindi sa panunulot :p ) Maraming Salamat.

Eto ang original, at undedited repost ng "Hello Again" na malay ko bang mapuoublish pala sa School Paper ng Med.

BTW. ipapaframe daw namin to. hahahaha

===

Hello, Old Friend
posted june 14, 2008. link, here

"Did you miss me?" she said

"I dunno. Well, did you?" he said

"I guess so. Its been almost 2 months. And you didnt even bother to visit me"

"Why the hell would I visit you?"

"i thought we had something." she replied, "though we went off on a bad note,"

"Well, I was starting to have feelings for you. I stayed up so many nights for you. And sacrificed quite a lot of gimmicks. a lot of times when i shouldve slept, or went out with another. but still, i chose you. and then, what did i get in return?"

"So you're blaming me now?" she asked

He was silent.

"I know, and I understand,. i know i am someone hard to conquer. A lot of people did the same sacrifice as you did for me. Some of them did even more. I may be harsh on guys like you, but im doing it for a reason. I'm sorry on what happened last april 10..."

He was avoiding her eyes and just sat beside her. "I'm sorry too. I had a lot going on that time"

"i know"

"but, yeah, it's my fault. I didnt do what i was supposed to do. I have a lot of shortcomings to you, you know. i was just too overwhelmed with your presence. you're too, great, and hard to handle. too unstable. one second where i dont look at you for a while, and then, you're too far away that i cant follow you."

"but a lot of others did."

"i am not them"

then they were silent

she was looking at her left chest pocket. the pocket where a nameplate used to hang proud and shining. and he noticed that she was looking and he shyly said, "i know. im not worthy"

"it's just a name plate" she said

"ill get another one. a gold one this time." he sighed. "so im back. what now?"

"im glad you're back"

"me too. im glad im back. well ok -- i missed you, you know that? the feeling sucks when im so anxious to meet you tomorrow for a big test, or a practicals, or a marathon lecture, or a marathon exam. i know the feeling sucks, but i missed that. i missed the drive to wake up the whole night. i missed the rush. i missed the feeling of passing, and drinking right after. i missed that. i missed you."

"i missed you too. i prepared a harder hell for you this year, but it seems like things have changed. maybe next year. and you better prepare for that. in the mean time, fix yourself first."

"be kind to my friends. i'll be needing their samplexes. and notes."

"you know me. im never kind."

"i know. haha. but youre worth it, i hope"

she just smiled. then said, "just do better this time, ok?"

"duh. of course. of course. i learned the hard way. the long way. and i dont want that freakin lesson again"

and then he went home. having that weird feeling of maybe accepting his fate, and hoping that he'll do better this time around. Last year was quite a ride for him. This time, it's a whole new set of people, new last number on the year to graduate, a new level of studying, but still that same dream, same drive, and same old love he felt when he first saw her face. he was determined to conquer her. and the bragging rights that comes right after.

it was karl and med talking

the Road to Doctor-dom: the Second Week of my Second Second Year

so 2 weeks of Second Year Medical School, after tons of orientations from different subjects i finally felt like we're back in the Hard Court once again. Ganap na uli akong med student at ititigil na ang pabanjing banjing last year.


Surgery 1 was a little disappointing. I expected otomies and ectomies and introduction to the starlight shiny surgical instruments and the coolness of Thomasian Surgical Practice... but unfortunately, the first lectures were... Blood, Hormones, and Immunology. Motherpooper. My hatest hatest haaaaatest topics in the Medical Field (so far.) I hate talking about coagulation, and the factors, and magcrophages and crap. I hate prothrombin and bleeding time and crap.  I want hands-on suturing and slicing and dicing. I want suspense. I want to take a peek at an endoscope, Tie wounds, Retract and crap. Too bad wala nang cat surgery para sa batch namin :( dahil daw may bagong rules and ethics board at masyado daw maarte yung mga dapat gawin kaya wag nalang daw. boo-hoo for us.

like what Dr Dakila said, "Medicine is easy". Cmon.

But when Practical Minor Surgey came, nabuhayan ako sa Neurosurgeon naming faci. Di ako nakakatulog sa mga kwento niya. Almost an hour of talking and talking and talking and my heart was just pouding with joy just because Im hearing stories from the Surgical Universe.

And the topic was just handwashing and sterilization. Haha.
 

Anesthesiology! Dad's Sanctuary. His forte. So I have to do good. No. Not just good. I Have to be great. I may not want to be an Anesth but of course I have to make Daddy proud... and so far... No quizzes yet. Sana OK ang faci namin pag practical applications na.

Medicine I Med bag is still in the making. And I still have to raid my dad's stash for any treasures I might use. This time, we get to be (they make us feel), like real doctors. It's really how to save a life.

Hindi na ako mangangarap na maging unang pasyente ko ang isang artista o hot model kasi malabo yung makita sa UST non-pay, pero pinagdadasal ko namang sana'y hindi isang uhuging bata na iyak nang iyak ang una kong pasyente. Huwag sana mukhang tiyanak. Huwag sana mabahong hininga. Huwag din yung nakasalok ng rabies. Huwag sana coma patient (pano ko maiinterview yun?), at higit sa lahat, oh my Lord, huwag sana siyang mamatay sa harap ko. Buena mano naman sana diba? First patient ko yun eh. Yung mga Diabetes lang or TB or Sheehan's Syndrome or GERD. Or pseudohermaphroditism, ok na yun.

MPPRC Chill. If in Medicine I, we get to practice being a doctor, at MPPRC, we are trained how to think like a real doctor. Act like a researcher. And how to die like a clerk (it depends on who your faci is, of course). And. And, they emphasized how that 5% to be inserted to all M-P-P Subjects and it could be a lifesaver. I sure hope it will.

Pathology is like putting Physio, Biochem, Histology, Genetics, and Anatomy aligned in a bowling lane, and then God struck them down. and our role is to study how the pins fell. How near are they to each other and if the pins could be reversed. But wait, there's more. The universe is just so awesome that they gave a name to each change, each lesion, each abnormality, normality, degree of abnormality, and severity.

... in my own innocent eyes, they all look the same. for me, the damaged ones are either the less colored or the overcolored cells. And I can't name them. Yet.

Pharma Pharma Pharma
God made Pharma. And God has permitted the department to give us a 150 item essay test on Tuesday for 3 topics. 3 like the Holy Trinity Perhaps. God made Pharma because being a doctor will never make sense if we don't know how to fix what's wrong with it. If God made Pharma out of his image and likeness.

I'm doing a lot of self hypnotism lately. I repeat the words, "I love PharmaI love PharmaI love PharmaI love PharmaI love PharmaI love Pharma" over and over again until I believe that she loves me too. That Katzung loves me too. It's quite effetive actually. It's just that it consumes half my study time. The moment i saw E-tho-succ-i-mide (at mali pa daw ang spelling, thanks ate carms! ;p ETHOSUXIMIDE!) and Phenytoin and Levodopa and friends, ipinasadiyos ko na lamang ang lahat.  But God can't memorize that for me eh?


and oh, by the way... Kamusta na ang Epid research?






Hmmm... So that's my week. If you think i'll make a weekly digest for this "road to doctordom" churva: No, i wont. I just want to kill time and release the English-speaking out of me.

Request kay God

Lord, kung gugunawin mo na ang mundo, pwedeng One Time Big Time nalang? yung walang maeexempt at walang masasaktan at mabilisan ang lahat?

kasi nakakatakot pag may swine flu, at earthquake, at ulan ng hiyelo, at giyera, at buhawi sa pilipinas, at pharma pa. unti unti ang kamatayan. may takot effect pa kasi. at gagastos pa ang DOH, Government, WHO, at UN pag may calamities.

Lord, kung gugunawin mo man ang mundo, pwedeng isang bagsakan nalang? para walang pagluluksaan at walang magluluksa?

tsake Lord, pwede bang surprise? yung tipong di matatakot ang human race dahil wala na kaming panahong matakot, by the time na narealize naming dapat natakot kami...sumalangit na kaming lahat? At pwede bang tulog kaming lahat pag nangyari man yun? Para pag-gising namin, yung akala naming aircon ay sa clouds na pala ng pinapangakong langit. At andun ka na. At bibigyan mo na kami ng malaking hug.

Seryoso. Natatakot ako kay Mother Nature. At Sa Korea. At sa Pharma. 

Or better yet, Panginoon, pwedeng wag mo muna nalang gunawin ang mundo?

Gusto ko pa kasing mag-asawa. Ayokong mamatay ng walang kaholding hands na hot chick. Pero bago yun, gusto ko munang maging doktor. At bago mag-asawa, matagal ang selection process, diba? At pagkatapos nung mga yun, gagawa ako ng maraming anak. yung magagaling at matatalino. Pero pano yun? gugunawin mo na ang mundo pagkatapos nun? Pano na ang apo ko? Pano na ang apo ng anak ko? Wag nalang kasi mag end of the world. Sabi nga sa bible, mag e-end of the world daw pag babalik na si Jesus dito... uhmm.. pwedeng huwag mo munang pababain si Jesus dito? May picture naman siya sa lahat ng simbahan eh. Merong smiling Jesus pa nga. May movie pa nga siya dito eh. Can you tell him to enjoy langit muna?

Lord, huwag mo nalang gunawin ang mundo please.

Pwede bang sa Malacanang nalang ang Lindol? at sa Congress nalang ang swine flu? at pwede bang kung mag-ge-gera man ang US at Korea, sila sila nalang. Magkita nalang sila sa isang place na walang tao bukod sa kanila tulad ng antartica (syempre, paaalisin muna ang mga penguins), tapos magbarilan nalang sila dun. magbombahan sila hanggang gusto nila? Pwede bang sa Antartica nalang ang pag-ulan ng ice? Mas bagay dun diba? At pwede po bang ang buhawi ay sa Mars nalang? or sa Jupiter?

huwag muna kasi... ipapasa ko pa ang Pharma. May dapat pa akong patunayan.

At, Lord, madami pa akong kailangan patunayan.

Sa pamilya ko. sa friends ko. sa mundo. at sa Iyo.

Malay mo, pag napatunayan namin na ang human race, willing magbago. Na pwede naming gawing better place ang planetang to. Na may puso rin pala ang bawat isa sa amin...kahit si Gloria Arroyo, kahit papano, merong puso yan (although, Lord, alam kong nagdududa ka minsan kung ginawan mo talaga siya ng Puso)... Malay mo mapatunayan naming pwedeng mag-unite ang Earthlings para masave ang Earth. At dahil dun, malay mo matuwa ka sa mga citizens of the world...










...at kunin kaming lahat ng sabay sabay.


joke lang.

Lord, malakas ako sayo (sana).

Don't make gunaw the world muna.