broken laptops and starting over

my laptop died on me last monday. I ignored all his symptoms of slowing down, flickering, giving weird messages, seizures, stupor -- until it finally succumbed to a coma that leaves me just staring into the most hopeless display that Windows could give you: the Blue Screen.

 

I was scared of all the unpublished works I, the pictures I have, the Fraternity documents, Videos, and Music - everything wasn't backed up. So I rushed him to the UST Med MIC to have him resuscitated...

 

2 days after admission, my Laptop is alive again. I just chose what files to keep and in a few hours, it's back with a better OS and a better antivirus program . It's as if nothing happened. It has all my files at my documents, downloads, music and pictures. no more interruptions from the viruses and everything is back as good as new.

 

---

 

if you screwed up too much in life,for a laptop, reformatting would be easy. you just pay a certain amount, choose the ones to take with you and discard other ones. the next day you'll wake up without pain, and all the gain. plus the sleekier features of a new operating system. sometimes i wish our minds would just be like that. imagine how easy would it be to download information and share it, and delete anything that's just dragging us down. how easy life would be if we choose our friends online, and discard them after. we get new games, and when we're done, we delete.

 

and if everything becomes unbearable again, we just run back to our nearest friendly technician for a reset.

 

 

 

 

unfortunately, we're not like laptops. there is no CTRL + ALT  + DELETE. there is no pause, or rewind, no ESC button or if it all doesnt work, we just pull our battery packs out and put it back in and start anew. We're all human. We deal with every pain, get through moving-on stages, and suffer without the help of Kaspersky, and Doctors can only help us only to a point, yet the rest is still up to us. We don' t simply un-friend someone just because you dont like her anymore. We dont get married in a click of a mouse, and break up 10 minutes after. we suffer consequences, and we become what we are now and what we will be because of it. no CTRL+Z allowed. When we screw up, we deal with it. We suck it up, and face all the repercussions.

 

 

on the other hand, fortunately, we're not like laptops. because despite of all, we learn in the process. we become stronger due to the pain. every little thing we do, leave scars on us. and each scar has a story to tell - not just how it got hurt, and how it bled, but also how it stopped bleeding and healed. we take part in the vicious cycle of love-and-get-hurt without shortcuts, because each part of the process has something to teach us. With a laptop, it's ok to make the same mistakes again. It's OK to be careless. OK to be damaged - it'd be backed up anyway. But in real life, We stop making the same mistakes because we're tired of making new Files just to be deleted and deleted again - no backup. That each time we stumble, we get stronger for it.

 

 

Fortunately, we are human. We may not have 2 Tera byte Hard Drives, but We have Feelings. We appreciate the warmth of a kiss from someone special, the hands of a loved one, a hug from a friend. Laptops can't feel that even if it dedicates all it's hard drive to porn. Laptops may get reformatted from time to time, but We suck up all mistakes, fall, but stand up a better person after. Laptops have shelf lives, after that, you replace them. Us? No matter what happens with our life, we try to survive it. try to understand it. try to appreciate it. and ultimately, try to live it - and in the end, be thankful for it.

 

 

If everything we hated at that time was deleted just because we were at an unbearable pain, then we wouldn't have matured at all. There would be no growth or progress just because we'll go back to the start every time.

 

and no matter how advanced Science is, it will never, ever, make a robot imitate the miracle of life.

maybe she

She is the reason why I started writing again.

The reason why words fall through as i type blogs and crap, in the hope that she might be reading my works. or even status messages.

 

But as i cross the phase of "is the reason why" to "was the reason why"... before everything becomes past tense, i tried to ask myself, why did it get me here anyway? It's a long, long, shot, but why did i let the dice roll?

 

And right then an there, i found two words that explained everything

 

FALSE HOPE

 

I clinged to the hope, no matter how small, because of one thing - because it gets me through the day.

She was my Sunrise and Sunset. That a nonsense text from her would make me jump up and down. That a smiley from her reply would make me smile the world away. She was this false illusion of the possibility that maybe I could be better. The hope that the story God has written has finally arrived. I loved every moment of it. Even though I knew it was a lie. That asking for a chance is impossible in the first place.

 

For a split second, I considered that statement, "Maybe, She." Maybe she could be that someone I wrote god-knows-how-long-ago who will make all promises worth keeping, all tears worth shedding, and all the rest of life worth living. That someone that would trump all the ones before her, that would make me thank every heartache i've had, every mistake, and every bad move,  because it all ultimately lead to her. I considered asking myself that maybe she's that She....

 

...and then, I woke up. And got to my senses. And reality crept in... That not all falling stars fall for you. And it's just really time to wake up, and recalibrate....

 

 

 

 

So tonight, I'll be resting my case. I am formally giving up. Giving up that affair that didn't even happen in the first place. Better this, maybe, than too late. Better pull myself out before i get engulfed by the quicksand. Tonight, I'll lay the fantasy to rest, and close a book of empty hopes and just be thankful of the words that's been woven because of her. Of the poetry she'll never get to read. Of the story that existed only inside one's Hippocampus riding in the highway of Papez, back and forth, back and forth, until it made me believe.

 

Of that "Love" that she never heard about, and probably never will.

 

Now, I'll be hoping of another story. The one where She is not in it, but a better She. That one who will make what I am and will ever be. That one where Hope will never be false, and no bit of doubt will ever stain Her and I. Ever I, Ever You, and Ever We.

 

 

All I have to do, is to Believe

Repostings

will be reposting blogs here. 

ilang taon pa?

Ilang taon pa?

 

Ito siguro ang pinaka gasgas na tanong sa mga Med Student tuwing may family reunion.

 

Ilang taon pa, dok?

 

Mapapaisip ka eh. Madalas, sinasagot ko nalang, “matagal pa.” – pero so far, sa pagkakaalala ko, mayroon nang 3 taong namatay na bago man lang ako nagka-role sa pagligtas ng buhay nila – lahat sila sinabi, sana maabutan ko daw silang magamot. E pano pa pala kung pagpapalaki lang ng boobs at pambobotox sa mga gurang lang ang kapapadparan kong linya? Ano nalang sasabihin ng mga may kanser na lalapit sakin, “dok, tulong naman, may cancer po ako”

 

Malamang ang masasagot ko ay, “uhmm, ‘Nay, taga gawa lang po ako ng suso at taga higop ng taba. Ang best ko pong magagawa sa inyo ay gawin kayong maganda bago mamatay” – syempre hindi pwede yun diba?

 

Back to the story. 3 na silang namatay. 3 na close sa akin pero. marami pang ibang nagsabi sakin noon na, “pag doctor ka na, ikaw gagamot sakin ah?”, na hindi ko maalala kung sino-sino  pero may ilan dun na namatay na rin. Madalas kasi akong sinasama ng tatay ko sa mga pasyente nya sa probinsya lalo na pag mga kamag-anak. Nakakatuwa sila magpasalamat kay daddy. Karamihan walang pambayad (at malamang ndi na pinapagbayad pag kamag-anak) pero makikita mo naman na yung yakap nila kay daddy ay daig pa ang tuko sa kakakapit. Parang wowowee pero hindi scripted at hindi pinlano. Last week nga lang may pinuntahan kaming pasyente, binigyan nila kami ng native na manok as PF. Nakakatuwa yung fulfillment kung nagpapasalamat sila… Mas lalong nakakatuwa kung may magaling magluto dun sa bahay na binisita namin dahil pinaghahandaan nila pag andun kami. Panalo. Pero, dont get me wrong, nakakatuwa pa rin kung nagbabayad din sila. :p

 

Minsan napapayuko nalang ako kakaisip kung ilang taon pa nga ba. Mas lalo akong napapayuko pag tumitingin sakin ang mga magulang ko pag tinatanong yun. Matagal kasi... tapos pinatagal ko pa. Ang kapal ng mukha ko kasi - Delayed kasi ako sa Med. Irregular student. Syempre masakit pero im trying to put on a brave-face. Hindi nalang siguro ako nagpapaapekto kasi wala na talaga akong magagawa. Irregular student. Patabaing baboy na maluwag ang sched pero bopols pa rin sa Acad Performance. nakaputi at minsan may bitbit na stethoscope kahit di marunong magdetect ng normal heartbeat o murmur. Pero, oo nga pala, hindi sa pagkairreg ko ang dapat pagusapan sa blog na to. Napapaisip lang ako sa napakatagal na panahong ginugugol mo para lang sa punyetang “to help humanity” na yan. I-compute nga natin:

 

4 years Premed

+ 4 years Med (minsan 5, minsan 6, minsan 6 ½, minsan 7)

+ 1 Year Internship (what the hell is this for?)

+ 4 months review for boards

+ 3 months bum 

+ 1 month pre-residency

+ 3-4 years residency

+ 3-4 years subspecialty or fellowship.

 

May suma total na umaatikabong 15 Years kung di ka madedelay, hindi magmomoonlight galore, at tuloy tuloy ang pag asenso mo from one stage to another. After nun, hahanapin mo pa ang practice mo. Pambihira.

 

Kaya hindi ko rin masisi ang mga doctor kung bakit bonggang bongga sila maningil ng pasyente. Sinakripisyo nila ang prime of their life para lang sa siyensya at lisensya. Makakamiss ng mga mahahalagang milestones ng inaanak nila. Hindi makakabonding ang mga kapatid nila. Mamimiss ang birthday ng bestfriend. Natulog sa sinehan habang nakikipagdate sa syota. Ininda nila ang napakaraming tanong nga mga kamag-anak nila tuwing reunion para lang iexplain sa kanila kung gano katagal maging ganap na doctor.  Yun ay kung nakakapunta pa kami sa mga family reunions – kung walang exam sa susunod na mga araw. Isinantabi muna ng karamihan samin na isipin ang paggawa ng pamilya, o pagnenegosyo. Imbes na mag retire na ang magulang namin, humihingi pa kami ng limpak limpak na salapi para lang mapahirapan at magpuyat. At bumagsak. At laitin ng consultant. At maging adik sa kape. At maging manhid.

 

So, ilang taon pa? Madalas ang sinasagot ko nalang ay, “matagal pa po” Syempre may mga taong hindi pa satisfied sa sagot ko kaya sasabihin kong, magSuSurgeron ako, Ortho siguro o Kidney transplant. TCVS kung mapagtiyatiyagaan. Kung papalarin.

 

Hindi pa yun ang end ng story syempre. Madami nang itatanong sa iyo as if you know everything. May magtatanong kung bakit di gumagaling ang sugat nila. Kung pano magkakaAids. Kung paano dadayain ang urine drug test. Kung ikamamatay ba niya ang pagkain ng Crispy Pata kanina kasi nagbublurr ang paningin nya. Kung nakakamatay ba ang pagputok ng pigsa. Kailangan ba ng prescription para makabili ng Cytotec. Normal lang bang magka almuranas. Kung totoo ba ang vaginismus ni john Lloyd at Shaina. Ano nga daw ba ang Vaginismus? Kapareho lang ba yun ng nangyayari pag natapos magtalik ang mga aso? Edi sabuyan nalang sila ng asin? May nagtaong pa nga kung brod ko ba si Hayden Kho. (mukha ngang exaggerated to pero I can swear on my life na tinanong talaga sakin tong mga to)

 

90% ng mga tinatanong sa amin, hindi namin masasagot ng maayos. Kung masagot man, at may ipeprescribe kaming gamot, kadalasan hindi namin alam ang dosage, o most of the time, kailangan pa ng further testing para makumpirma ang diagnosis. In short – nagmumukha lang nonsense. Or nagmarunong lang pero hindi nakatulong. Minsan may mae-elibs na kamag-anak kasi andami ko na daw alam pero sa loob loob ko, hindi lahat din ng nasabi ko ay sigurado ako. Hehe. Mas marami pang alam ang Wikipedia.

 

Hindi ko na magets ngayon kung bakit ko sinusulat tong thoughts na to. Lalong nakakatawang isipin na ipopost ko ito para mabasa ng maraming tao. Siguro ang point ko lang:

 

Ilang taon pa? Huwag na siguro nating bilangin.

 

Tutal naman, kahit papano, enjoy naman dahil sa magaganda kong kaklase, nanlilibreng ka-subsec pag birthday, freebies pag med week, at oo nga pala, enjoy dahil makikita mo ang mundo mula sa kaliit-liitang chromosome hanggang sa pandaigdigang epidemya. Kahit papano alam naming may bunga ang pagtanda sa loob ng pader ng paaralan. Sabi nga ni Miley Cyrus, It’s the Climb. Sabi nga ng Brod kong si Jappy Castillo, “Ang Medicine, hindi pabilisan kundi pasarapan”

 

Corny nga naman kung balang araw, nagising ka nalang na may suot ng white coat naka embroider ang pangalan mo tapos may, “MD” at kung anu ano pang karugtong. Kailangan na talagang paghirapan. Masakit isipin  at sabihin pag hindi pa tapos. Mahirap gawin pag ginagawa palang. Pero masarap balikan pag tapos na. Maaapreciate ko nalang siguro tong mahabang paglalakbay na ito in Retrospect nalang.

 

Ilang taon pa? Tinatanong nila yun sayo kasi marami silang umaasa. Minsan kahit hindi mo choice magpaasa, umaasa sila. Nagtitiwala sila. Inaabangan ka nila. Kaya mas lalong bumibigat ang responsibilidad. Pero mas lalong sasarap ang tagumpay. Mas lalong tumitindi ang pressure. Pero syempre, smile pa rin sa harap nila. Ganyan talaga ang buhay showbiz – i mean – buhay natin.

----

So, pag nasettle na yung tanong na iyon. Either masasagot ko, or maiiwas sa ibang tanong. Makakahinga ng konti... maya maya (lalo na ang matatanda) Ibabato naman nila sa akin ang isa pang napakalaking tanong na wala na akong balak sagutin pa sa blog na ito.

 

 

KELAN KA MAG-AASAWA?

 

Kamusta naman.

a tale of two cities

Four Years since I changed that relationship status in Friendster from plural to singular. Now that everyone has evacuated that once nice place, it's still the same label I got until now, and maybe tomorrow. and tomorrow... But no, I'm not complaining. It's just that, tonight, i heard from her again...

----

she "o bakit wala pa rin?!"

me "sabi ko sayo diba, hahanapin ko muna sarili ko. aayusin. para naman di ko maulit sa iba mga mali ko sayo"

"ang tagal mo naman hanapin yang sarili mong yan"

inside me "punyeta ka kasi eh"

 actual reply "eh matagal eh."

---

She was far now from what she was when we were us. now with a good income with her dream job which i never thought she could do. now Married, whom I wished before it'd be 'Edejer' on her last name, but no. And now with a Kid. A cute little kid which is expected. She was talking like a mother and a married woman and a fulfilled professional - which is, well, at some point, she really is. And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, I could say, I'm happy for her.

But what she said during the chat struck me."Ang tagal mo naman hanapin sarili mo"

There wasn't a mark of anything from our last conversation in flesh years ago. Maybe she forgot all the pain she induced. Maybe she didn't know how bad it was at all. Or maybe matagal naman talaga. Bakit nga ba ang tagal? --- I think I could fathom the latter maybe more than the first maybes.

And then, I remembered the pain. In retrospect. the Pain without the feeling. Objectively, i remembered it.

The pain that made me run away. The pain that made me write bloody blogs. The pain that made me grow up. The one that made me better. 

That pain that hurts. That hurt more. And ultimately, hurt no more.

She probably had forgotten it. But that's her. And i'll let her be.

As for me, i realized sometimes, it lingers. Not in the sense that there is still something on her - definitely no. But something, in the sense na, everything falls into pieces once the fear of a repeat of what happened is looming. That Trust has just become a brand of condoms - cheap, flavored, one time use. There's still that broken shard of glass that remains in me that is more than just a souvenir of how broken i was. A reminder to be careful. To be watchful... But I know that when the spell strikes once again, I'd be this dumb ass dude again.

 

So what now?

 

(text above: written a few months ago.)

(text below. today 3:09AM, ends 3:40)

There were two cities. Who were once One. They both benefited each other, and in time, they loved the company of each other. They were so close that he doesnt even have to whisper to tell her what he feels because his eyes tell it all. That he breathes in what she breathes out. That her hands, on his chest, was his hand. That when he closes his eyes, she falls asleep. (yes, I got that from Spongecola and Pablo Neruda)

 

But there came a time where one city has to progress, leaving the other city behind. She needs to upgrade. She needs new stuff. She needs fresh air. She needs to evolve. As for the other city, he didn't quite understand why. And it took him a long time to just ask the heavens for some reason behind it. Maybe he has to be the sacrificial lamb for the other city to progress. He has thought She has evolved using him. He was left out and he doesn't have She to rise with. So, he let her be. He doesnt understand but he let her be.

Today. After a long time. The left-out city, has found its spirit again. He tried to look everywhere near and far, only to find out that what he was looking for was just within. through finding it, He realized It was not the old city/self he once knew - it's a different one, a lot better one. he realized that that city has to be destroyed first so that one can build a better one. a stronger one. a deeper one. a city where there is an eternal sunshine emanating in the middle of it. Where there is a pool of hope and faith and radiance in every corner of that wonderful place. That in finding it's spirit and self back, he gained a brand new one. In losing everything, he gained everything. It doesnt need to be found after all. It just need to be awakened. And that city is now better than ever.

This is a tale of two cities where one destroyed the other in pursuit of the city's progress. The destroyed-one thought for a while that he was a victim of the process. But now, the once-destroyed city gives Thanks the one who destroyed him. for without that state of calamity, he would not have be standing strong right now. Beaming with pride, standing on a pedestal where he deserves to be.

There were two cities who were once One, but now, they are two totally different Cities.

And they are a lot better off that way.

And for the first time, after a long, long time, without bitterness, He could say, I'm happy for her.

and He is happy for what's in store for himself, too.

 

 

(weird that i compared it to cities)

(okay, i need to effing sleep)

Thinking out Loud

Broken Chain

 

I broke 2 self-imposed traditions. First is the annual obligatory Thanksgiving blog every Birthday. Although I am and always been thankful of the blessings I get every year, I just didn’t feel like there’s something new and blogworthy. Second is this little secret that I do every year (and only a few people knows this) - I write a letter to myself for my next birthday – my expectations, wishes, questions for the year that will come, and hopefully answering them by the time I’ll read it one year later. Got that idea from time capsules, but there’s a minimum of 5 years daw pag time capsule, so I made it an annual letter to myself. I didn’t made one last year so I didn’t receive one this year. And, where did I put those letters anyway? It was so organized last year. Until Ondoy came. Now I don’t remember where they are. So it didn’t matter anymore if I make one. Nakakatamad na din. Corny na rin kasi. Maybe this is another sign of getting old.

 

Looking back I have seen so much changes. The way I write, the way I think, my priorities, my obsessions, passions, routines, the people around me. 10 years ago, when I was 14, I never would have imagined me to be this one like now. I expected differently. I overshot my expectations. I thought by 21 I’d get my first million, first car, first house, and all the chicks I can get. Somewhere along the way, the illusion died out. I realized my name is not Justin Bieber.

 

Maybe there’s a kid in me that died as I grew up. I sometimes forget to wear my eyes of colors and generators of my spontaneous thoughts. I kind of lost my corny emo self (believe me, bawas na tong pagkacorny and emo ko ngayon). But then again, maybe that kid in me have to die to give way to a more realistic eye to the world and a more mature set of beliefs. One where I should be more cautious in everything I say (thank you to the Squealers who told my parents I’ve been cursing on facebook.) One where I should weigh all options before choosing one. And if I land on a decision, I have to be firm by it no matter what. I guess I have to let go of some standards I’ve set for myself cause they blind me for a probable better something or someone I am yet to see. And I hope it’s not too late.  Maybe, one way or another, we really need to have something to die in us so that other ways could live. Maybe they’ve served enough in our system for a certain time, now that we times have changed, we have to change some of the ways, or sometimes totally replacing them. Not that we don’t like them anymore, it’s just that we have to move on. Not that we’re throwing the old away, but we have to make way for Change. We have to. Either that, or we crumble. Evolve or expire. Step up, or make the same mistakes all over again.  Most of the time, people choose the latter. But life is just so great that they still give us chances to be better. That even though we make lame decisions in the past, one way or another, we are given chances for redemption. And if we fail again, we’re given chances to succeed again.

 

Damn it, I talk like an old man. And my blogs are becoming pointless. Sigh.

 

One thing that I will try my best not to change – is my passion for writing. Even though nangangalawang na.

 

At least I tried. :D

it's just one of those nights...

i miss falling in love.

it's been a long, long time. i miss having that special kiss. that special someone. i miss having someone on my shoulder who can lean on me. I miss protecting a girl and telling her that everything's gonna be alright. I miss buying flowers. I miss thinking of surprises. I miss the feel of getting jealous over some ugly guy.

i miss falling in love. i miss that feeling. i miss saying "I love you", and I miss hearing, "I love you too"

I miss getting into fights. and strategizing how to make it up for her. how her voice makes my day all better. how her smile makes me feel alright. I miss Love. I miss how it magically makes me wake up with Her as my first thought, and how just the thought of her tucks me in to bed, smiling. I miss smiling out of nowhere just because I think of her. 

I miss staring into someone's eyes and just adore her for who she is. I miss having a love story to write about, to tell someone about. to brag about. I miss having a girl who perfectly fits my hands on hers - as if it's custom made. I miss just being close to a special girl - that she breathes in what i breathe out - and all i can see is her face - and all i can smell is her hair - and all i can hear is her breath... So close, that her hand on my chest, is my hand. So close, that we'd be like congenital twins, beating in one heart.

I miss reading messages over and over again just to bring me back good memories. I miss waiting for someone for a long time yet when you see how stunning she is, it makes the wait worth it. I miss looking at the stars, hoping that she's looking at the same star, too. Or at least hoping that she's looking at the sky in the first place. I miss telling everyone how great my girl is. I miss being in love. Like madly, deeply, sincerely in love. So in love that I want the world to stop when it's just Her and I.

I miss dating. I miss kilig moments. I miss monthsaries, and anniversaries. I miss growing and learning from someone. I miss making love letters and poems. I miss making blogs about you. I miss missing someone. I miss this overrated four letter word. I miss Love. Goddamn Love. And for the record, It's been a long time since I want to write about Love, per se, but I don't want to at the same time for I don't want it to be limited by just words.

I miss the times when I still believe...
that there's that someone out there, with the same heartbeat as mine.